Within the past 730 days my entire life has been turned upside down, tossed back and forth, lofted from a building and then that process is repeated. I've beaten an addiction, gone back to it, lost my Nanny, been saved, lost Nick, shared my testimony multiple times, made new friends, got my heart broken, fallen in and out of "love", gotten in fights, cried, lost 6 friends at once in a fire, got on stage in front of 100s of middle schoolers and revealed my biggest struggle, encourage others, hurt myself, cried myself to sleep, etc.. But the significance of this day.. The significance of this day haunts me in everything I do. Exactly 730 days ago I lost my brother, my best friend, my stronghold, my rock, my everything.. 730 days ago I ran out of my chemistry class sobbing.. 730 days ago I never would have expected to be where I am.
If what happened 730 days ago never would have happened, I wouldn't be the same person that I am today. I wouldn't be as strong.. 730 days ago my best friend in the entire world killed himself and my entire life was shattered.
I miss you, Bug.
I wanna sing
While the ocean sleeps
I wanna feel
what its like to be free
I wanna to see
what you see in me
I wanna know how it feels to believe
I feel lost somehow im drifting away
Was almost gone, you brought me to life again
so let me be your lighthouse
and i'll help you find a way out
of here
I see the tide is comming
dont let it take you away from me
theres no way im jumping over
I know its your love that saved me
Cause I was lost
somehow im drifting away
was almost gone
you brought me to life again
So let me be your lighthouse
and I'll help you find a way out of here
I can see the light out
from a far away out
but its slowly drifting away from me
cause I was lost
somehow I *drifting away
was almost gone
you brought me to life again
so let me be your lighthouse
and I'll help you find a way out of here
let me be your lighthouse
and I'll help you find a way out of here
BAPTISM!
On September 25th, 2011, yours truly was baptized! :)
It was a strange thing. I never really get nervous to the point of a stomach ache and having to pee every other minute, but that's how my morning was. My stomach was killing me and I literally thought I was going to vomit. I had to pee every other minute and was running back and forth to the bathroom. I was nervous. What?! I never get nervous like that!
There were a lot of things running through my mind right before we went out on the stage in front of the entire congregation. "She better not drop me" "I hope these shorts don't fall of me when they get wet" "I'm gonna pray now that I don't cough really loud into the microphone" "I might throw up..on Tiffany...or Chris Freeland. That would be awkward" "I hope my face doesn't turn all red" "What if my mascara runs?!" Needless to say, I was freaking out. ...
(I'm typing this is my PLATO class and the bell's about to ring, soo.... To be Continued) :)
It was a strange thing. I never really get nervous to the point of a stomach ache and having to pee every other minute, but that's how my morning was. My stomach was killing me and I literally thought I was going to vomit. I had to pee every other minute and was running back and forth to the bathroom. I was nervous. What?! I never get nervous like that!
There were a lot of things running through my mind right before we went out on the stage in front of the entire congregation. "She better not drop me" "I hope these shorts don't fall of me when they get wet" "I'm gonna pray now that I don't cough really loud into the microphone" "I might throw up..on Tiffany...or Chris Freeland. That would be awkward" "I hope my face doesn't turn all red" "What if my mascara runs?!" Needless to say, I was freaking out. ...
(I'm typing this is my PLATO class and the bell's about to ring, soo.... To be Continued) :)
God Says: I chose you, will you choose me?
I couldn't blame the Lord for where I was or how I felt, because I struggle to stay faithful.
I confess, I'm easily distracted by the usual suspect: relationships (dating and frienships)
When granted either, the outcome is a slow but steady shift from a God focus to "whatever I think will make me happy" focus. In other words, I desert the Blesser for the blessing. Then, everything I desired/wanted more than the Lord disappears...darkness appears. In a previous post I wrote: God Says: You don't have to beg me, because I want to, All you have to do is want me too...Do you want Him? Of course, we all say yes, but as soon as adversity comes we run to God and say, "I've been talking with you, why didn't you tell me, I was going to lose my best friend? or that my car was going to break down? Can you please tell me what's going on? I don't understand this."
Faltering in faithfulness is usually linked to a failure to see the victory in God's plan when it gets painful and/or an ignorance of our purpose. The enemy takes advantage of this opportunity and is happy to offer a platter of distractions. The enemy's goal is to keep us lost in the dark so we never become or do all that God has created us to be and do. The moment we accepted Christ as our Lord and Savior we became blessed, highly favored, wealthy and healthy, but because Jesus paid the cost and built the fortune, we don't appreciate anything. We're spoiled heirs/heiresses. We think God owes us. So, when we go to Him to ask for a portion of our legacy (to spoil/waste) He says no, because the provision is for His vision. Anytime we feel like our "needs" are not being met, we cheat. We're led to believe that the grass is greener, life is exciting, good times and pleasure awaits us on the other side...but it's a mirage.
I think the solution to unfaithfulness is found in the application of LOVE. We can't stay faithful because we don't understand LOVE.
I confess, I haven't conquered cheating, because the natural part of me, will settle for the ability to survive. While the spiritual side is determined to thrive. Sure, we can thrive that was the original design, but it comes with great cost. Truth is, a lot of us quit at the first inkling of sweat and pain. It's time to take off our jewels and fine robes to be faithful to the Lord God and His business. The good news is we can complete our purpose in His plan, live in abundance and receive our full inheritance...IF we learn how to LOVE and remain faithful to the one who LOVED us FIRST. It's time to LOVE Him back.
I confess, I'm easily distracted by the usual suspect: relationships (dating and frienships)
When granted either, the outcome is a slow but steady shift from a God focus to "whatever I think will make me happy" focus. In other words, I desert the Blesser for the blessing. Then, everything I desired/wanted more than the Lord disappears...darkness appears. In a previous post I wrote: God Says: You don't have to beg me, because I want to, All you have to do is want me too...Do you want Him? Of course, we all say yes, but as soon as adversity comes we run to God and say, "I've been talking with you, why didn't you tell me, I was going to lose my best friend? or that my car was going to break down? Can you please tell me what's going on? I don't understand this."
Faltering in faithfulness is usually linked to a failure to see the victory in God's plan when it gets painful and/or an ignorance of our purpose. The enemy takes advantage of this opportunity and is happy to offer a platter of distractions. The enemy's goal is to keep us lost in the dark so we never become or do all that God has created us to be and do. The moment we accepted Christ as our Lord and Savior we became blessed, highly favored, wealthy and healthy, but because Jesus paid the cost and built the fortune, we don't appreciate anything. We're spoiled heirs/heiresses. We think God owes us. So, when we go to Him to ask for a portion of our legacy (to spoil/waste) He says no, because the provision is for His vision. Anytime we feel like our "needs" are not being met, we cheat. We're led to believe that the grass is greener, life is exciting, good times and pleasure awaits us on the other side...but it's a mirage.
I think the solution to unfaithfulness is found in the application of LOVE. We can't stay faithful because we don't understand LOVE.
I confess, I haven't conquered cheating, because the natural part of me, will settle for the ability to survive. While the spiritual side is determined to thrive. Sure, we can thrive that was the original design, but it comes with great cost. Truth is, a lot of us quit at the first inkling of sweat and pain. It's time to take off our jewels and fine robes to be faithful to the Lord God and His business. The good news is we can complete our purpose in His plan, live in abundance and receive our full inheritance...IF we learn how to LOVE and remain faithful to the one who LOVED us FIRST. It's time to LOVE Him back.
It's an invitation. Accept or decline..
I was looking through a planner from the beginning of last school year and I sunk, because instead of seeing growth from then to now in my personal life and spiritual growth, I realized I was in the same place, I've been after the same things for almost a year. I'm staying in Isaiah 55...it's called the invitation. For me it's a personal invitation from God to me...it's an offer to forsake everything I've been striving for to instead strive for Him. I've said it before, but I've never done it. I've never really reserved myself solely for Him. Truth is, if I'm really tired of being in the same place, I'll accept this invitation. I know God is willing to bless and deliver, He's waiting on me.
Isaiah 55
WAIT and listen, everyone who is thirsty! Come to the waters; and he who has no money, come, buy and eat! Yes, come, buy [priceless, spiritual] wine and milk without money and without price [simply for the self-surrender that accepts the blessing].
2Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread, and your earnings for what does not satisfy? Hearken diligently to Me, and eat what is good, and let your soul delight itself in fatness [the profuseness of spiritual joy].
3Incline your ear [submit and consent to the divine will] and come to Me; hear, and your soul will revive; and I will make an everlasting covenant or league with you, even the sure mercy (kindness, goodwill, and compassion) promised to David.
4Behold, I have appointed him (Him) [David, as a representative of the Messiah, or the Messiah Himself] to be a witness [one (One) who shall testify of salvation] to the nations, a prince (Prince) and commander (Commander) to the peoples.
5Behold, you [a][Israel] shall call nations that you know not, and nations that do not know you shall run to you because of the Lord your God, and of the Holy One of Israel, for He has glorified you.
6Seek, inquire for, and require the Lord while He may be found [claiming Him by necessity and by right]; call upon Him while He is near.
7Let the wicked forsake his way and the unrighteous man his thoughts; and let him return to the Lord, and He will have love, pity, and mercy for him, and to our God, for He will multiply to him His abundant pardon.
8For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, says the Lord.
9For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.
10For as the rain and snow come down from the heavens, and return not there again, but water the earth and make it bring forth and sprout, that it may give seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
11So shall My word be that goes forth out of My mouth: it shall not return to Me void [without producing any effect, useless], but it shall accomplish that which I please and purpose, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.
12For you shall go out [from the spiritual exile caused by sin and evil into the homeland] with joy and be led forth [by your Leader, the Lord Himself, and His word] with peace; the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
13Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress tree, and instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree; and it shall be to the Lord for a name of renown, for an everlasting sign [of jubilant exaltation] and memorial [to His praise], which shall not be cut off.
Isaiah 55
WAIT and listen, everyone who is thirsty! Come to the waters; and he who has no money, come, buy and eat! Yes, come, buy [priceless, spiritual] wine and milk without money and without price [simply for the self-surrender that accepts the blessing].
2Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread, and your earnings for what does not satisfy? Hearken diligently to Me, and eat what is good, and let your soul delight itself in fatness [the profuseness of spiritual joy].
3Incline your ear [submit and consent to the divine will] and come to Me; hear, and your soul will revive; and I will make an everlasting covenant or league with you, even the sure mercy (kindness, goodwill, and compassion) promised to David.
4Behold, I have appointed him (Him) [David, as a representative of the Messiah, or the Messiah Himself] to be a witness [one (One) who shall testify of salvation] to the nations, a prince (Prince) and commander (Commander) to the peoples.
5Behold, you [a][Israel] shall call nations that you know not, and nations that do not know you shall run to you because of the Lord your God, and of the Holy One of Israel, for He has glorified you.
6Seek, inquire for, and require the Lord while He may be found [claiming Him by necessity and by right]; call upon Him while He is near.
7Let the wicked forsake his way and the unrighteous man his thoughts; and let him return to the Lord, and He will have love, pity, and mercy for him, and to our God, for He will multiply to him His abundant pardon.
8For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, says the Lord.
9For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.
10For as the rain and snow come down from the heavens, and return not there again, but water the earth and make it bring forth and sprout, that it may give seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
11So shall My word be that goes forth out of My mouth: it shall not return to Me void [without producing any effect, useless], but it shall accomplish that which I please and purpose, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.
12For you shall go out [from the spiritual exile caused by sin and evil into the homeland] with joy and be led forth [by your Leader, the Lord Himself, and His word] with peace; the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
13Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress tree, and instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree; and it shall be to the Lord for a name of renown, for an everlasting sign [of jubilant exaltation] and memorial [to His praise], which shall not be cut off.
God Says: I am God Alone...
I've voiced my thoughts and concerns. I've prayed and cried.
Now it's time to listen for the voice of God....
I bow my head, submit my plans and hush my soul to hear from YOU...Lord Jesus Speak, I'm listening..
Now it's time to listen for the voice of God....
I bow my head, submit my plans and hush my soul to hear from YOU...Lord Jesus Speak, I'm listening..
Stupid Satan..
I used to say that I could never catch a break.. and when it seemed like everything was going back to "normal", something else would end up happening. Or bad things would happen back-to-back-to-back.. And then I hear other people's stories, and I realize how thankful I should be for what God has given me.
I never really looked at death from someone else's point of view. I always look at it as "MY friend died", or "MY great grandma died".. but today, I looked at it differently. I started seeing things on twitter and facebook about my friends Kevin and Vinny.. A few minutes later Kevin's mom texted me, telling me that he and Vinny were killed in a drunk driving accident.. I couldn't believe it. I texted people asking for prayers, I cried like a small child, I laid in my bed not wanting to move, and then I thought... Kevin had a mom, a dad, a fiance, three brothers, and two sisters.. and at that moment, I stopped thinking about me and thought about them. Kevin may have been MY friend, but he was soo much more to them.. He was a son, a lover, a brother, a best friend; he was their life.. and he was taken away from them in an instant..
I know how it feels to have someone taken away from you without any sign of it coming. My best friend of 5 years killed himself without telling anyone, a good friend from church got in an accident and within 2 hours there were 20-30 students gathered at a home crying over the loss, a fire killed 6 of my friends in an instant without anyone thinking that birthday party would go so wrong..
Life throws you curve balls.. But you gotta catch 'em and give 'em to Him..
I never really looked at death from someone else's point of view. I always look at it as "MY friend died", or "MY great grandma died".. but today, I looked at it differently. I started seeing things on twitter and facebook about my friends Kevin and Vinny.. A few minutes later Kevin's mom texted me, telling me that he and Vinny were killed in a drunk driving accident.. I couldn't believe it. I texted people asking for prayers, I cried like a small child, I laid in my bed not wanting to move, and then I thought... Kevin had a mom, a dad, a fiance, three brothers, and two sisters.. and at that moment, I stopped thinking about me and thought about them. Kevin may have been MY friend, but he was soo much more to them.. He was a son, a lover, a brother, a best friend; he was their life.. and he was taken away from them in an instant..
I know how it feels to have someone taken away from you without any sign of it coming. My best friend of 5 years killed himself without telling anyone, a good friend from church got in an accident and within 2 hours there were 20-30 students gathered at a home crying over the loss, a fire killed 6 of my friends in an instant without anyone thinking that birthday party would go so wrong..
Life throws you curve balls.. But you gotta catch 'em and give 'em to Him..
...but, I've learned things within just the past two days...
I look at my face and at the faces of those I love and wonder how did we get here?
I've asked countless times to be transformed and brought forth new... but I didn't know it would cost so much. It's cost me everything, no help in sight. It's just me and God who should be enough...but forgive me, I'm still growing. I'm still guilty of trying to put things/people where only God should be...I'm still guilty of taking matters into my own hands, because sometimes it feels like God is taking His sweet, sweet time...especially when decisions have to be made...
2011 has been a nightmare, for months it's been disaster after disaster and yes, I accept responsibility for causing some of my pain...but I'm not the only one to blame...and for the first time in the span of my years, every one of my friends is going through a war, there's carnage everywhere: separation, rebellion, heartache, rejection, adultery, revenge, anger, death, bitterness, unforgiveness, fornication, strife, homosexuality, poverty, debt...Chaos. I've literally felt my thoughts capsize in a sea of emotion...Lord, I confess I don't know what to do...I'm not ashamed to say, I still don't fully understand who I am, my value, my gifts, my purpose...What am I supposed to do for You?...like a fish out of water, I flop back and forth, gasping and waiting for You to show mercy or end my suffering.
Dear God,
We need you now. We are under attack and it looks like the enemy has the upper hand. Please open our eyes to see the millions of warrior angels surrounding us. Lift up our confidence, set fire to our faith so that the aroma overtakes heaven. We need you, heavenly Father we confess every sin and we ask right now that you would forgive and restore. We thank you right now God, because we know it's not over, we know Lord that the fight is fixed, Jesus give us your strength, control and obedience. Please Lord, don't let us die here, not like this...I'm still growing, but I know this carnage is NOT the work of your hands, you're a loving God, you give life, not death, prosperity instead of lack...Thank you, for allowing me time to roam seemingly alone, just to find my way back to you. I'm grateful for this experience, because I've learned that if no one preaches a word to me, I can preach one to myself. I also learned that you are my preference and my obsession.
What I feel for you is real, You live in the wells of me, I flow for you, naturally. You overtake me, I'm yours no matter where I've been or what I've done, because of your sacrifice on calvary I don't have to beg...so, I've come before you with the needs of many resting on my heart and I don't want to be selfish, so if it's your will to help me last, then so be it. Just as long as you come, you are welcome here and in every situation laid at your feet. I believe that you are able, so with expectation in my heart I will watch and wait for you. Thank you Jesus! You promised to take us from glory to glory, Lord I thank you, because I know there is more glory on the other side of this. Thank you God for restoring my confidence.
In the mighty and matchless name of Jesus I pray and ask all of these things, Amen.
I've asked countless times to be transformed and brought forth new... but I didn't know it would cost so much. It's cost me everything, no help in sight. It's just me and God who should be enough...but forgive me, I'm still growing. I'm still guilty of trying to put things/people where only God should be...I'm still guilty of taking matters into my own hands, because sometimes it feels like God is taking His sweet, sweet time...especially when decisions have to be made...
2011 has been a nightmare, for months it's been disaster after disaster and yes, I accept responsibility for causing some of my pain...but I'm not the only one to blame...and for the first time in the span of my years, every one of my friends is going through a war, there's carnage everywhere: separation, rebellion, heartache, rejection, adultery, revenge, anger, death, bitterness, unforgiveness, fornication, strife, homosexuality, poverty, debt...Chaos. I've literally felt my thoughts capsize in a sea of emotion...Lord, I confess I don't know what to do...I'm not ashamed to say, I still don't fully understand who I am, my value, my gifts, my purpose...What am I supposed to do for You?...like a fish out of water, I flop back and forth, gasping and waiting for You to show mercy or end my suffering.
Dear God,
We need you now. We are under attack and it looks like the enemy has the upper hand. Please open our eyes to see the millions of warrior angels surrounding us. Lift up our confidence, set fire to our faith so that the aroma overtakes heaven. We need you, heavenly Father we confess every sin and we ask right now that you would forgive and restore. We thank you right now God, because we know it's not over, we know Lord that the fight is fixed, Jesus give us your strength, control and obedience. Please Lord, don't let us die here, not like this...I'm still growing, but I know this carnage is NOT the work of your hands, you're a loving God, you give life, not death, prosperity instead of lack...Thank you, for allowing me time to roam seemingly alone, just to find my way back to you. I'm grateful for this experience, because I've learned that if no one preaches a word to me, I can preach one to myself. I also learned that you are my preference and my obsession.
What I feel for you is real, You live in the wells of me, I flow for you, naturally. You overtake me, I'm yours no matter where I've been or what I've done, because of your sacrifice on calvary I don't have to beg...so, I've come before you with the needs of many resting on my heart and I don't want to be selfish, so if it's your will to help me last, then so be it. Just as long as you come, you are welcome here and in every situation laid at your feet. I believe that you are able, so with expectation in my heart I will watch and wait for you. Thank you Jesus! You promised to take us from glory to glory, Lord I thank you, because I know there is more glory on the other side of this. Thank you God for restoring my confidence.
In the mighty and matchless name of Jesus I pray and ask all of these things, Amen.
10 days..
I have a bad bad bad feeling that these 10 days are gonna go by ridiculously slow... and I have an even worse feeling that I'm not gonna go one day without crying. I spent all of day 1 in tears.. I've always had bad attachment issues with people when they leave, but never like this. Saying bye was one of the hardest things I've had to do in a long time. It's not because I'm a baby, it's because I've had a bad feeling about this trip the whole time. I've had the same re-occurring dream that I'm gonna get a phone call that the one person I can go to with absolutely everything, is dead. That she won't be coming back from Thailand, that these 10 days have turned into a life time, that everything is gonna fall apart in an instant.
I'm praying for them while they're gone, and I hope I can get plenty of prayers as well. Because it's only day two, and I'm already sending texts to someone who won't be receiving them for 9 more days.. Oh, life...
I'm praying for them while they're gone, and I hope I can get plenty of prayers as well. Because it's only day two, and I'm already sending texts to someone who won't be receiving them for 9 more days.. Oh, life...
As I entered the home that seemed all too familiar, I instantly had flashbacks of all the good times I had in it. Whether it was mattress surfing down the stairs, painting the walls, breaking dishes after they were permanently stained, running into the walls on a unicycle, helping hang up picture frames, scaring the pizza guy, prank calling the neighbors, opening and closing the garage door on armadillos, shooting birds with potato guns, dying armpit hairs bright orange, waxing leg hairs on the couch, getting yelled at for being out too late, getting yelled at for being home too early, and so many more memories... I couldn't help but cry. I looked at the stairs in front of me and saw photos leading up the hall.. Most were of family, and then one frame caught my eye.. A picture of me. My fifth grade school picture..it was still there. Originally it was placed there so hunter could make fun of me for looking like a "fagoid".. But it was still there. I remembered the house perfectly. I knew whos room was where and what I could find in cabinets. The first room on the right still had my name spray painted on it, with a little heart at the top (I remember getting yelled at for hours about it).. And before I even opened it, I thought "maybe I shouldn't go in here. What if they cleaned it all out" but I went in. And it was exactly how he left it... The bed wasn't made, there were clothes on the floor- along with a blood stain from he shot himself, there were pictures on the walls- along with holes and dents from where we had tested out the potato guns..and bb guns, his book was still open to the page where he left off, and everything still smelt like him... The room was still his. As I walked around it, looking at photos of me and him and reading stuff that was laying around..tears filled my eyes. Everything was dusty and old, including the mcdonalds in the corner by the bean bag which was mine from two days before he died. As I started to sit on the bed his brother came in and said "they haven't moved anything in here... They wont even cover up that damn stain" then he began to cry. I got up to hug him and he said "fix the blanket. You moved it a little to the right"... He said he sleeps on the floor in there hoping maybe Hunter would come into his dreams that night. We continued talking about old times when I heard my name being called.
Two rooms to the left and across the hall, the woman who would "nurse me back to health" when I needed it most was sitting up in her bed. Going there I was expecting the worst, but as soon as I walked in she said "I'm gonna beat this. Cancer is my bitch".. Everything after that was just us reminiscing on old times and talking about the future.
Leaving, all I could think about was "what would hunter say if he was here" and then I looked under his bed for my jacket I had left there a few days before he died.. And in that jacket I found what everyone had been looking for this whole time. It was a note...
"kaebug. I'm always with you. I love you."
RIP best friend. I love you and I miss you.
Two rooms to the left and across the hall, the woman who would "nurse me back to health" when I needed it most was sitting up in her bed. Going there I was expecting the worst, but as soon as I walked in she said "I'm gonna beat this. Cancer is my bitch".. Everything after that was just us reminiscing on old times and talking about the future.
Leaving, all I could think about was "what would hunter say if he was here" and then I looked under his bed for my jacket I had left there a few days before he died.. And in that jacket I found what everyone had been looking for this whole time. It was a note...
"kaebug. I'm always with you. I love you."
RIP best friend. I love you and I miss you.
What's the point?
What's the point in life?
What's the point in trying?
What's the point in apologizing when your apology isn't accepted?
What's the point in caring about someone when they don't give a damm about you?
Whats the point in LIFE?
Why did God take 10 people away from me when I much rather would have been dead myself. Not many would care if it was me, I'd rather be dead than be hurting like this. my life has become pointless in every way possible now. I have no one to hold me accountable, no one to hold me when I cry, pray for me when I need it, encourage me when I'm knocked down.. I have no one to call "mom 2". I don't see the point in life anymore. My faith was so strong and now it has taken a turn for the absolute worse. I guess you could come to the conclusion that i have officially hit rock bottom. I can't do it on my own now. I'm turning to God but it feels like he isn't there, it feels like NO ONE is here.... I'm alone.
So answer this for me... What's the point in living when you have nothing to live for?
What's the point in trying?
What's the point in apologizing when your apology isn't accepted?
What's the point in caring about someone when they don't give a damm about you?
Whats the point in LIFE?
Why did God take 10 people away from me when I much rather would have been dead myself. Not many would care if it was me, I'd rather be dead than be hurting like this. my life has become pointless in every way possible now. I have no one to hold me accountable, no one to hold me when I cry, pray for me when I need it, encourage me when I'm knocked down.. I have no one to call "mom 2". I don't see the point in life anymore. My faith was so strong and now it has taken a turn for the absolute worse. I guess you could come to the conclusion that i have officially hit rock bottom. I can't do it on my own now. I'm turning to God but it feels like he isn't there, it feels like NO ONE is here.... I'm alone.
So answer this for me... What's the point in living when you have nothing to live for?
No sweeter name..
This past week I've really got to take a look at how He's changing me. I got to sit back and watch how He changes others. I got to see the impact that I've made on others. And this makes me incredibally happy.
Never in my life have I heard so many people tell me they're proud of me. This week I've heard it from about 10 different people. I'm changing, but I'm not doing it on my own. HE is changing me. I didn't even realize it until I took a step back and looked at who I was the week school let out, and took a good look at who I am now/who I'm becoming.. and I couldn't be more impressed by the person I see ;) really though, I've never been able to say that I'm proud of myself- but right now, I am.
I stood in front of 400 middle schoolers with a sign in my hand that told my entire story in just 6 words. Last week I told a room full of freshman my testimony. I got out of my "comfort zone" to share the love of God to others.
I never thought I'd be able to say this about myself, but I'm happy with the person that I've become/am becoming.
Never in my life have I heard so many people tell me they're proud of me. This week I've heard it from about 10 different people. I'm changing, but I'm not doing it on my own. HE is changing me. I didn't even realize it until I took a step back and looked at who I was the week school let out, and took a good look at who I am now/who I'm becoming.. and I couldn't be more impressed by the person I see ;) really though, I've never been able to say that I'm proud of myself- but right now, I am.
I stood in front of 400 middle schoolers with a sign in my hand that told my entire story in just 6 words. Last week I told a room full of freshman my testimony. I got out of my "comfort zone" to share the love of God to others.
I never thought I'd be able to say this about myself, but I'm happy with the person that I've become/am becoming.
Succulent.
So, this week was Project Freshman.. Depending on which day you talked to me, I was either really excited to go, or I was mad that I had agreed to give up my first week of summer for a church trip with a bunch of freshman.. But I couldn't be happier that I made the decision to give up my first week of summer, because it honestly changed me.
What did I learn? I learned how to be vulnerable without being scared of what people will think of me.
I learned that I can love God without being worried about people judging me.
I learned how to be myself around people without being afraid of how they would view me.
I gave my testimony about the deaths I've had in my life. Which was basically like me letting my guard down to everyone in the room (which was a lot of people) and really showing them the serious side of me. The side of me that hurts, that cries, that deals with things the wrong way, and the side of me that truly loves God with all my heart. And that's the side I want everyone to see from now on. I don't want people to think that at church I'm one person, and around everyone else I'm someone different. I want everyone to know who I really am. I don't want to live two lives anymore. I just want to live one life, the life that I choose to live is going to be a life revolving around God and His great love for me.
SUCCULENT
What did I learn? I learned how to be vulnerable without being scared of what people will think of me.
I learned that I can love God without being worried about people judging me.
I learned how to be myself around people without being afraid of how they would view me.
I gave my testimony about the deaths I've had in my life. Which was basically like me letting my guard down to everyone in the room (which was a lot of people) and really showing them the serious side of me. The side of me that hurts, that cries, that deals with things the wrong way, and the side of me that truly loves God with all my heart. And that's the side I want everyone to see from now on. I don't want people to think that at church I'm one person, and around everyone else I'm someone different. I want everyone to know who I really am. I don't want to live two lives anymore. I just want to live one life, the life that I choose to live is going to be a life revolving around God and His great love for me.
SUCCULENT
Turn around...
He's right where you left Him..
I was walking on water, so to speak, then I sunk...in my feelings, actions and thoughts... I've come to realize that I already had what I wanted.
I wanted: A real relationship, to really know God and to really know me.
I've learned that a relationship with God will reveal/satisfy all of these things. God is faithful and I want to learn how to be faithful too. It doesn't make sense to cheat on God---no one and nothing can compare to Him...everything falls and bows before Him, He has no competition. Jesus died and was resurrected for me, He wants to be close to me, He cares about my thoughts, feelings and dreams...He loves me. He already loved me, before I knew who He was...still I was drowning in my feelings and thoughts almost engulfed in a wave of idolatry, because God wasn't first. If you don't know it, anything in your life (heart) before God is an idol.
It all seems so silly now...this is why it is so important to stay committed to the one you're with...once I understood what was happening-everything I've learned in my own personal study came flooding back to me. In placing my affection in the idol I subconsciously built a dam to protect what I wanted even though it wasn't of God.
I would spend time with God-but still felt distant and I didn't understand why. Of course, He didn't move, I did...But He broke the dam and every levee today, because He loves me and I wanted Him back. I missed Him and I wasn't comfortable with a long distance relationship. Thank God, I was lost and He came looking for me. Now I'm on my way to everything I've always wanted, because I'm back with the God who created me, loves me, protects me and supplies all my needs. He loves me. I have to keep saying it, because I need to get it past my intellect into my spirit. Jesus loves me. The God who created heaven and earth is concerned about little ol' me. How cool is that?!
With that said, that means it's time to make some changes. First realizing I can't change/fix myself and mindful of the fact that sometimes change takes time. I also acknowledge that my understanding of what needs to change is laughable compared to what God has in mind, so I just want to do what I can to be in agreement with Him. Prayerfully, and if it's God will..I'm open to a total makeover. I know it won't always be easy, but I'm willing to go through it, believing that God always gives us double for our trouble and also believing that I was created for a purpose and I have to change in order to see and live in God's vision for my life.
I'm back in His arms, where I belong. Doing the best I can with where I am and what I have and now, I am absolutely on my way.
Thank you Jesus, because of you I can walk on water and endure till the end. I pray that you will mend every broken heart and that you will draw near to show us how sweet and loving you are. I rebuke the spirit of offense and unforgiveness and I pray that you will teach us how to walk in forgiveness. Help us to forgive like you. Help us to remember our own sin, before we judge or hold a grudge against another. Lord, I pray for all of the people who have been rejected, Lord I pray that they will come to know that you love them unconditionally and though sometimes they feel unwanted and alone, you love them and they're never alone. I pray that you will fill the hurt places with righteousness, love, favor and peace and Lord Jesus please help us to be bold for you. We always look to you expecting, but God what do you want us to do? What can we do that will put a smile on your face? Lord, please help us to be in a position to help somebody else and bless us with the discernment to know when and how. Lord, let it be done in a way that brings glory and honor to you. It' s not about us or being a hero, because you're the only hero. Help us to be humble in our thoughts and purify our hearts so that everything we do will be done with the right intentions and will ultimately bring glory to your name.
I was walking on water, so to speak, then I sunk...in my feelings, actions and thoughts... I've come to realize that I already had what I wanted.
I wanted: A real relationship, to really know God and to really know me.
I've learned that a relationship with God will reveal/satisfy all of these things. God is faithful and I want to learn how to be faithful too. It doesn't make sense to cheat on God---no one and nothing can compare to Him...everything falls and bows before Him, He has no competition. Jesus died and was resurrected for me, He wants to be close to me, He cares about my thoughts, feelings and dreams...He loves me. He already loved me, before I knew who He was...still I was drowning in my feelings and thoughts almost engulfed in a wave of idolatry, because God wasn't first. If you don't know it, anything in your life (heart) before God is an idol.
It all seems so silly now...this is why it is so important to stay committed to the one you're with...once I understood what was happening-everything I've learned in my own personal study came flooding back to me. In placing my affection in the idol I subconsciously built a dam to protect what I wanted even though it wasn't of God.
I would spend time with God-but still felt distant and I didn't understand why. Of course, He didn't move, I did...But He broke the dam and every levee today, because He loves me and I wanted Him back. I missed Him and I wasn't comfortable with a long distance relationship. Thank God, I was lost and He came looking for me. Now I'm on my way to everything I've always wanted, because I'm back with the God who created me, loves me, protects me and supplies all my needs. He loves me. I have to keep saying it, because I need to get it past my intellect into my spirit. Jesus loves me. The God who created heaven and earth is concerned about little ol' me. How cool is that?!
With that said, that means it's time to make some changes. First realizing I can't change/fix myself and mindful of the fact that sometimes change takes time. I also acknowledge that my understanding of what needs to change is laughable compared to what God has in mind, so I just want to do what I can to be in agreement with Him. Prayerfully, and if it's God will..I'm open to a total makeover. I know it won't always be easy, but I'm willing to go through it, believing that God always gives us double for our trouble and also believing that I was created for a purpose and I have to change in order to see and live in God's vision for my life.
I'm back in His arms, where I belong. Doing the best I can with where I am and what I have and now, I am absolutely on my way.
Thank you Jesus, because of you I can walk on water and endure till the end. I pray that you will mend every broken heart and that you will draw near to show us how sweet and loving you are. I rebuke the spirit of offense and unforgiveness and I pray that you will teach us how to walk in forgiveness. Help us to forgive like you. Help us to remember our own sin, before we judge or hold a grudge against another. Lord, I pray for all of the people who have been rejected, Lord I pray that they will come to know that you love them unconditionally and though sometimes they feel unwanted and alone, you love them and they're never alone. I pray that you will fill the hurt places with righteousness, love, favor and peace and Lord Jesus please help us to be bold for you. We always look to you expecting, but God what do you want us to do? What can we do that will put a smile on your face? Lord, please help us to be in a position to help somebody else and bless us with the discernment to know when and how. Lord, let it be done in a way that brings glory and honor to you. It' s not about us or being a hero, because you're the only hero. Help us to be humble in our thoughts and purify our hearts so that everything we do will be done with the right intentions and will ultimately bring glory to your name.
Just add water.
I'm finally coming to the end of myself...It all started when I was admiring walking art.
Walking art is a person whose personal expression of self is bold and direct to who they are on the inside. It's all there, presented beautifully and unashamed. I love it because it's unapologetic. For the past almost 6 months, I've spent a lot of time apologizing or desperately trying to explain my character. I realized that if I presented my true self instead of hiding it, I probably wouldn't have to be so defensive...lesson learned.
Then Peter and the apostles replied, We must obey God rather than men.
HELLO MY NAME IS (insert your name here) AND I'M A (insert whatever your friends want you to be here) aka... HELLO MY NAME IS KAELEN AND I'M BITCHY, A FRIEND, A GIRL FRIEND, A BEST FRIEND, A LOVER, A DRINKER/SMOKER, A SOCCER PLAYER, A CRAZY KID.
My life is a series of walls. I've created a faux character that is acceptable, but at the same time it suppresses the real me...therefore, everything crafted for that faux character is killing me. In the past few weeks I've been dealing with a growing desire to shed this character to really embrace me. This idea is always combatted with, but what will they think? Then my true self replies, "Life is short, do you seriously want to suffocate another day?" Then the faux character says, " Well, what are you going to do?" With that question the dialogue ends with a collective, "I don't Know." All I know is that I'm tired of the iconform uniform, I just want to live.
I've decided to take steps towards happiness and freedom with each decision I make from here on out. Decisions will be based on what will make me happy and of course being lead by the Holy Spirit, so that I stay in the will of God. I just started and I'm already out of breath, it's hard. There is a storm going on in my life right now and I am so ready to run and jump ship. I keep praying, but what I hear from God is not what I want to hear. I want Him to say yes, you can jump and run. Instead, He talks about how He will protect me and He keeps reminding me that this is for my good...I also sought counsel on what I should do and both individuals said that we are to wear the full armor of God, remembering there is no protection for our backs, because God never intended for us to run. Furthermore, at this time in my life no one can help me. I hurt in places ONLY God can touch.
In the past two weeks I've also learned a few life lessons about dating. Ladies, if you meet someone and notice that time and time again that person shows himself to be inconsistent, don't expect that person to change. That person is showing you who they truly are and where you are in their list of priorities. If you continually hear the Holy Spirit telling you that this person is a liar and means no good for you BELIEVE IT. Never take the word of a fleshly being over the comforter,counselor, advocate and friend that we call the Holy Spirit. About three years ago, I met someone I normally wouldn't consider dating, but recently out of loneliness I settled and compromised. This gave room to the enemy in the area of my emotions. Of course, the relationship ended and I was left to bear and carry resentment, anger and loneliness. Did you notice that the initial area of weakness was still there? I realized the space in my heart that feels empty is meant to be filled by God not a man or material things. Also notice that I started with one weakness, opened myself to attack and was left with two infections. Be mindful of your weaknesses and don't think you can handle them on your own. Present them to God and seek healing...The other sad part about the situation is that no matter what I did, that person would have never appreciated me and he never intended to. How do I know? because, He never acknowledged my value or my worth in Christ. I say that, for those of you who think, that maybe if you dressed differently or weren't so proper or didn't talk so much etc, etc..
Well I am here to tell you, that you are a woman of virtue and you're perfect the way God made you. When we need improvement, God tears us down to build us back up. The enemy tears down to keep down and ultimately destroy.
God is made strong in your weakness. The enemy depends/pursues your weakness and wants you to stay that way.
The joy of the Lord is your strength. The enemy wants to steal your joy..get it?
There is so much going on, but the Lord is aware of it all. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding. He promised us abundant (blessed, happy, favored, to be envied) life. Let's live it! Let's go through the tests and trials expecting Victory. Joyce Meyer said, we're fighting from Victory, not in pursuit of it, because God has already given it to us.
Is your life like mine, flavorful, but still dry? Just add water.
Counsel in the heart of man is like water in a deep well, but a man of understanding draws it out. Proverbs 20:5 (AMP)
Behold, God, my salvation! I will trust and not be afraid, for the Lord God is my strength and song; yes, He has become my salvation.Therefore with joy will you draw water from the wells of salvation. And in that day you will say, Give thanks to the Lord, call upon His name and by means of His name [in solemn entreaty]; declare and make known His deeds among the peoples of the earth, proclaim that His name is exalted! Isaiah 12:2-4 (AMP)
God Says: You Shall Live and Not Die
Walking art is a person whose personal expression of self is bold and direct to who they are on the inside. It's all there, presented beautifully and unashamed. I love it because it's unapologetic. For the past almost 6 months, I've spent a lot of time apologizing or desperately trying to explain my character. I realized that if I presented my true self instead of hiding it, I probably wouldn't have to be so defensive...lesson learned.
Then Peter and the apostles replied, We must obey God rather than men.
HELLO MY NAME IS (insert your name here) AND I'M A (insert whatever your friends want you to be here) aka... HELLO MY NAME IS KAELEN AND I'M BITCHY, A FRIEND, A GIRL FRIEND, A BEST FRIEND, A LOVER, A DRINKER/SMOKER, A SOCCER PLAYER, A CRAZY KID.
My life is a series of walls. I've created a faux character that is acceptable, but at the same time it suppresses the real me...therefore, everything crafted for that faux character is killing me. In the past few weeks I've been dealing with a growing desire to shed this character to really embrace me. This idea is always combatted with, but what will they think? Then my true self replies, "Life is short, do you seriously want to suffocate another day?" Then the faux character says, " Well, what are you going to do?" With that question the dialogue ends with a collective, "I don't Know." All I know is that I'm tired of the iconform uniform, I just want to live.
I've decided to take steps towards happiness and freedom with each decision I make from here on out. Decisions will be based on what will make me happy and of course being lead by the Holy Spirit, so that I stay in the will of God. I just started and I'm already out of breath, it's hard. There is a storm going on in my life right now and I am so ready to run and jump ship. I keep praying, but what I hear from God is not what I want to hear. I want Him to say yes, you can jump and run. Instead, He talks about how He will protect me and He keeps reminding me that this is for my good...I also sought counsel on what I should do and both individuals said that we are to wear the full armor of God, remembering there is no protection for our backs, because God never intended for us to run. Furthermore, at this time in my life no one can help me. I hurt in places ONLY God can touch.
In the past two weeks I've also learned a few life lessons about dating. Ladies, if you meet someone and notice that time and time again that person shows himself to be inconsistent, don't expect that person to change. That person is showing you who they truly are and where you are in their list of priorities. If you continually hear the Holy Spirit telling you that this person is a liar and means no good for you BELIEVE IT. Never take the word of a fleshly being over the comforter,counselor, advocate and friend that we call the Holy Spirit. About three years ago, I met someone I normally wouldn't consider dating, but recently out of loneliness I settled and compromised. This gave room to the enemy in the area of my emotions. Of course, the relationship ended and I was left to bear and carry resentment, anger and loneliness. Did you notice that the initial area of weakness was still there? I realized the space in my heart that feels empty is meant to be filled by God not a man or material things. Also notice that I started with one weakness, opened myself to attack and was left with two infections. Be mindful of your weaknesses and don't think you can handle them on your own. Present them to God and seek healing...The other sad part about the situation is that no matter what I did, that person would have never appreciated me and he never intended to. How do I know? because, He never acknowledged my value or my worth in Christ. I say that, for those of you who think, that maybe if you dressed differently or weren't so proper or didn't talk so much etc, etc..
Well I am here to tell you, that you are a woman of virtue and you're perfect the way God made you. When we need improvement, God tears us down to build us back up. The enemy tears down to keep down and ultimately destroy.
God is made strong in your weakness. The enemy depends/pursues your weakness and wants you to stay that way.
The joy of the Lord is your strength. The enemy wants to steal your joy..get it?
There is so much going on, but the Lord is aware of it all. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding. He promised us abundant (blessed, happy, favored, to be envied) life. Let's live it! Let's go through the tests and trials expecting Victory. Joyce Meyer said, we're fighting from Victory, not in pursuit of it, because God has already given it to us.
Is your life like mine, flavorful, but still dry? Just add water.
Counsel in the heart of man is like water in a deep well, but a man of understanding draws it out. Proverbs 20:5 (AMP)
Behold, God, my salvation! I will trust and not be afraid, for the Lord God is my strength and song; yes, He has become my salvation.Therefore with joy will you draw water from the wells of salvation. And in that day you will say, Give thanks to the Lord, call upon His name and by means of His name [in solemn entreaty]; declare and make known His deeds among the peoples of the earth, proclaim that His name is exalted! Isaiah 12:2-4 (AMP)
God Says: You Shall Live and Not Die
Quiet.
For the first time in my life I woke up this morning and just didn't want to talk.. Everyone knows that I love talking..it's my favorite thing to do. But this morning, I sat up in my bed and thought to myself.. "I wonder what it would be like to not talk much all day and just listen to what other people had to say.." So, that's what I did. Throughout the day I heard other people's opinions on things that I wouldn't usually care about/listen to. I heard what other people's lives were like, I eaves dropped a bit.. And then when I was asked questions I'd go for the one to five word answers.
I get to church and there was an awkward silence. As I sat in a room with 4 people I didn't know well, I attempted to start a conversation..that didn't go too well. One person ended up almost in tears and the other 3 just sat there awkwardly.. so we started the video and began working on our skit, forgetting the topic was ever brought up.
My question was "if you had to choose one thing that was the hardest to go through this past school year, what would it be?" After asking that, I began thinking about it myself.. And the only thing that I could think about was the fire. So at the end of the evening when the question was thrown back in my face, I didn't say anything. Then I realized how selfish I have been.. I ask others the tough stuff and then when it gets thrown back at me I avoid it at all costs. That's what you would call a "wall." That invisible thing that covers up all your deepest emotions and thoughts so you can just keep 'em all to yourself..
And here we are.. The only thing on my mind is the fire.. and the song "Everything" by lifehouse. Two things that hurt my heart when they're put together.
The wall is slowly comin' down.
I get to church and there was an awkward silence. As I sat in a room with 4 people I didn't know well, I attempted to start a conversation..that didn't go too well. One person ended up almost in tears and the other 3 just sat there awkwardly.. so we started the video and began working on our skit, forgetting the topic was ever brought up.
My question was "if you had to choose one thing that was the hardest to go through this past school year, what would it be?" After asking that, I began thinking about it myself.. And the only thing that I could think about was the fire. So at the end of the evening when the question was thrown back in my face, I didn't say anything. Then I realized how selfish I have been.. I ask others the tough stuff and then when it gets thrown back at me I avoid it at all costs. That's what you would call a "wall." That invisible thing that covers up all your deepest emotions and thoughts so you can just keep 'em all to yourself..
And here we are.. The only thing on my mind is the fire.. and the song "Everything" by lifehouse. Two things that hurt my heart when they're put together.
The wall is slowly comin' down.
If heaven wasn't so far away..
I'd tell my Nanny how much I loved her, because I don't feel like I did that enough when she was here. I'd let Nick know what an impact he made on my life. I'd make one more crazy memory with Savannah, Vivian, Nick, Tim, and Calvin. I'd be sure to let Alexis know how much she meant to me. I'd kick Hunter as hard as I could, and then I'd get one last "big-bug hug" from him. I'd tell Dereck (D-wreck) how good I've been doing lately, so I could hear him tell me he's proud of me one last time. Then, I'd ask God why he took all these people away from within a two year run.. It almost seemed as though I never got a break. And now that they're all gone, I will never get a "break" again, cause they are constantly on my mind and in my hurt. It's always going to hurt. People always tell me that time heals everything, but in my experience..time has only brought more pain. I just wanna know when/if the hurt will ever go away. Does it?
Out of the "blur"..
Earlier this week I was reading Genesis 2 and 3. After Adam and Eve sinned they tried to hide themselves from an omnipresent God, that doesn't make any sense to me, but what really intrigued me was God's reaction in Genesis 3:9, God calls out to Adam and asks where are you? God calling out to Adam signifies that He was lost and no longer in right-standing with God. I loved that God's response to Adam and Eve's sin was love. Instead of raging with anger towards Adam and Eve, He first addressed Satan and declared His plan of redemption for His people in Genesis 3: 14-15.
In verse 17-19 He is speaking to Adam and assigns punishment for his disobedience that would also affect him and all of the generations that would follow. God is Just, look at the order He chose---> Satan, Eve, Adam.
Before the fall, Adam and Eve reigned the earth in full authority, their sin opened the earth to be overthrown by evil and disrupted with calamity, still God brought peace and acted in love.
When we sin, we disappoint God and there will be repercussions, but we must understand that we serve a God of love. No matter what you do, think, or say He still loves you because His love is perfect and everlasting.
Romans 8:38-39 "For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
We need to know that our purpose in God does not change because of our sin. He has already established a plan of reconciliation, it's called forgiveness. When we confess our sins, faults and shortcomings to God He is QUICK to forgive. He is not a friend that will condemn or continually bring your lowest moments back-up. The word says He throws them behind His back and never remembers them again. Once we've asked for forgiveness, then ask God to help us forgive ourselves. This is often the hardest part, because we replay the events over and over -- instead of accepting God's mercy we beat ourselves mentally and emotionally over something God has already forgotten. The word says, that the Lord disciplines those He loves...not to hurt us, but to restore us.
If we have fallen from the grace of God, don't try to hide (it's impossible) instead, run to Him and confess your wrongs so He can make you right. He is in love with you, it is foolish to seek comfort and restoration from anyone/where else. There are many great men and women in the Bible who were called by God to be great and to do great things, but somewhere along the way, they fell short. David was a man after God's own heart, but he still committed murder and adultery. Did David fall yes, but he was a man who knew how to repent and cry out to the Lord in times of strife and in times of joy. David was a worshipper, and so are we. We are all created to worship, that is our common bond. Follow David's example, run to God, confess and praise the Lord, sin does not devalue your worship. Please know that the Lord is looking for you and longing to hear from you, just like He did with Adam in the garden.
Always remember, you are not what you did, you are who God called you to be. The word of God never changes and His plan is fixed, set and established. His plan does not alter itself because we fall short, the goal is for us to alter ourselves through the leading of the Holy Spirit to fit and carry out God's custom plan for our lives. It's ok. You fell. Get back up and continue forward. God still wants to give us His best and He still wants to see us blessed.
God says: You Are Forgiven.
In verse 17-19 He is speaking to Adam and assigns punishment for his disobedience that would also affect him and all of the generations that would follow. God is Just, look at the order He chose---> Satan, Eve, Adam.
Before the fall, Adam and Eve reigned the earth in full authority, their sin opened the earth to be overthrown by evil and disrupted with calamity, still God brought peace and acted in love.
When we sin, we disappoint God and there will be repercussions, but we must understand that we serve a God of love. No matter what you do, think, or say He still loves you because His love is perfect and everlasting.
Romans 8:38-39 "For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
We need to know that our purpose in God does not change because of our sin. He has already established a plan of reconciliation, it's called forgiveness. When we confess our sins, faults and shortcomings to God He is QUICK to forgive. He is not a friend that will condemn or continually bring your lowest moments back-up. The word says He throws them behind His back and never remembers them again. Once we've asked for forgiveness, then ask God to help us forgive ourselves. This is often the hardest part, because we replay the events over and over -- instead of accepting God's mercy we beat ourselves mentally and emotionally over something God has already forgotten. The word says, that the Lord disciplines those He loves...not to hurt us, but to restore us.
If we have fallen from the grace of God, don't try to hide (it's impossible) instead, run to Him and confess your wrongs so He can make you right. He is in love with you, it is foolish to seek comfort and restoration from anyone/where else. There are many great men and women in the Bible who were called by God to be great and to do great things, but somewhere along the way, they fell short. David was a man after God's own heart, but he still committed murder and adultery. Did David fall yes, but he was a man who knew how to repent and cry out to the Lord in times of strife and in times of joy. David was a worshipper, and so are we. We are all created to worship, that is our common bond. Follow David's example, run to God, confess and praise the Lord, sin does not devalue your worship. Please know that the Lord is looking for you and longing to hear from you, just like He did with Adam in the garden.
Always remember, you are not what you did, you are who God called you to be. The word of God never changes and His plan is fixed, set and established. His plan does not alter itself because we fall short, the goal is for us to alter ourselves through the leading of the Holy Spirit to fit and carry out God's custom plan for our lives. It's ok. You fell. Get back up and continue forward. God still wants to give us His best and He still wants to see us blessed.
God says: You Are Forgiven.
When you're asked the tough questions..
It's tuesday, and my week already sucks.
Since Sunday I've been asked the tough questions. Mainly about two of my best friends being dead. Although one of the deaths happened over a year ago, it's even harder than dealing with the death that happened just a couple of months ago.
This week has been harder for others for some reason. I've been asked multiple times a day by random people if it's still hard to wake up in the morning knowing I won't see or talk to them.. And yes, it is still hard. Honestly, it gets harder every single day.. The hardest part is when I'm about to go to sleep, and thinking about how used to..when I was going to bed, Hunter would call and sing me goodnight, even though he couldn't sing at all.. And how Alexis would send me a text saying something stupid as hell, but at the end it would always say "Goodnight pretty nigga, love you <3" Every. Night.
And every morning, I'd have a new voicemail from Hunter.. He used to always wake himself up at 1:23 AM and call me just to tell me that it was infact 1:23 in the morning. I never would wake up for that call, but if I had my old phone..you'd get to listen to at least 34 voicemails from him. I'd always have a text or two from Alexis saying she was gonna show up at my house or that she was outside of my window..although that was never true, she thought it'd scare me if I actually woke up to it in the middle of the night.
And now, I don't get those 1:23 AM voicemails, or those goodnight texts.
It seems to get harder every day. Especially this week. Nothing was better than having them around, and now nothing is harder than having them gone-for good. Not too sure why this week is so hard, but it is.. and I'm gonna need every bit of strength to get through it without having another break down like last nights...
God, I just need strength.
Since Sunday I've been asked the tough questions. Mainly about two of my best friends being dead. Although one of the deaths happened over a year ago, it's even harder than dealing with the death that happened just a couple of months ago.
This week has been harder for others for some reason. I've been asked multiple times a day by random people if it's still hard to wake up in the morning knowing I won't see or talk to them.. And yes, it is still hard. Honestly, it gets harder every single day.. The hardest part is when I'm about to go to sleep, and thinking about how used to..when I was going to bed, Hunter would call and sing me goodnight, even though he couldn't sing at all.. And how Alexis would send me a text saying something stupid as hell, but at the end it would always say "Goodnight pretty nigga, love you <3" Every. Night.
And every morning, I'd have a new voicemail from Hunter.. He used to always wake himself up at 1:23 AM and call me just to tell me that it was infact 1:23 in the morning. I never would wake up for that call, but if I had my old phone..you'd get to listen to at least 34 voicemails from him. I'd always have a text or two from Alexis saying she was gonna show up at my house or that she was outside of my window..although that was never true, she thought it'd scare me if I actually woke up to it in the middle of the night.
And now, I don't get those 1:23 AM voicemails, or those goodnight texts.
It seems to get harder every day. Especially this week. Nothing was better than having them around, and now nothing is harder than having them gone-for good. Not too sure why this week is so hard, but it is.. and I'm gonna need every bit of strength to get through it without having another break down like last nights...
God, I just need strength.
jakdfjasndfsj
God is good, I truly mean that. I know it's a common saying, but for me it's become more than a saying. Over the past two months it's become a confession. I really appreciate the fact that He is always honest with me and He corrects me when I'm wrong. I also love the fact that when I'm right He tells me, not to fear, not to let my heart be troubled and He reminds me that He has already given me peace. How awesome to stand before an army empty-handed and still win. That's just how good God is when you are in right-standing with Him.
I'm still in the "wilderness", but I'm not afraid. It's just a place of passing and no matter how hard it gets,I'm encouraged to know that it will not deter or destroy God's plan for my life. Each day He gives me is an opportunity to believe and agree with what He has already spoken over me. Do you know that when you are in the wilderness but in right-standing with God, you become the most dangerous/powerful being in the wilderness? Why? Because if God be for you, who can be against you?
My prayer is is that I can develop an insatiable hunger for the word of God. This is the time to truly embrace God not for what I want, but for who He is. It seems like I have been dealing with circumstances that seem too hard to bear, I'm praying that I continue to cast my cares upon Him because I know He cares for me. I have to remind myself to just declare Him as Lord, and remember that Lord means owner. When I do that, every situation becomes His responsibility. I'll try not to procrastinate or try to fix it on my own, but give it to Jesus.
I'm still in the "wilderness", but I'm not afraid. It's just a place of passing and no matter how hard it gets,I'm encouraged to know that it will not deter or destroy God's plan for my life. Each day He gives me is an opportunity to believe and agree with what He has already spoken over me. Do you know that when you are in the wilderness but in right-standing with God, you become the most dangerous/powerful being in the wilderness? Why? Because if God be for you, who can be against you?
My prayer is is that I can develop an insatiable hunger for the word of God. This is the time to truly embrace God not for what I want, but for who He is. It seems like I have been dealing with circumstances that seem too hard to bear, I'm praying that I continue to cast my cares upon Him because I know He cares for me. I have to remind myself to just declare Him as Lord, and remember that Lord means owner. When I do that, every situation becomes His responsibility. I'll try not to procrastinate or try to fix it on my own, but give it to Jesus.
"Do you even remember 9/11?"
"yeah! i was in class"
Keeping the answer short and simple, there was no need to go into detail at that moment. Remembering it perfectly her mind went somewhere else, it was like a flashback sort of thing. She remembered her best friend running and screaming down the hallways of the elementary school yelling about her father who was just killed in the twin towers incident. No one knew what she was talking about until you heard the roar of cell phone rings and the announcements come and tell everyone to head to the auditorium/gym where we would spend the rest of the day in silence.. Absences were excused and hearts were broken.
The screaming cries of her best friend come to her mind everytime 9/11 is mentioned. She hears her yelling about how the "bad guys killed her daddy" and she remembers all the times she spent with that family.. She remembers how her best friend's dad would leave for a long time on work, but when he came home he'd let her pretend to shoot his gun and walk around in his bullet proof vest..
So when the question is asked, "do you even remember 9/11?", she just says yes.. nothing more. She may have been young, but she remembers becuase that man was the first person she ever lost.
RIP all of the lives lost in 9/11. We got him.
Keeping the answer short and simple, there was no need to go into detail at that moment. Remembering it perfectly her mind went somewhere else, it was like a flashback sort of thing. She remembered her best friend running and screaming down the hallways of the elementary school yelling about her father who was just killed in the twin towers incident. No one knew what she was talking about until you heard the roar of cell phone rings and the announcements come and tell everyone to head to the auditorium/gym where we would spend the rest of the day in silence.. Absences were excused and hearts were broken.
The screaming cries of her best friend come to her mind everytime 9/11 is mentioned. She hears her yelling about how the "bad guys killed her daddy" and she remembers all the times she spent with that family.. She remembers how her best friend's dad would leave for a long time on work, but when he came home he'd let her pretend to shoot his gun and walk around in his bullet proof vest..
So when the question is asked, "do you even remember 9/11?", she just says yes.. nothing more. She may have been young, but she remembers becuase that man was the first person she ever lost.
RIP all of the lives lost in 9/11. We got him.
The question is:
Why them and not me?
11/16/09, 9/13/10, 12/23/10, 3/6/11
Hunter was the life of the party, he was the person that could make everyone in a silent room laugh, he was the one who could make anyone smile, he was the one that I could talk to, he was the one that I would run to, he was the one that I could cry in front of, he was the one who would always encourage me and others to give to the less fortunate. He was my first friend in Fort Worth, he was my first kiss, he was my best friend, he was my brother. He was my bug.
Nanny was the only one in the family that was positive through everything, she was always smiling, she was the one who was constantly encouraging, she was the one who would push people to believe in Christ, she was the one to let you eat "bowl down" for breakfast lunch and dinner, she was the one who would let you and all the other cousins slide down the stairs on a blanket, she was the one who would let you play dress up in all her clothes no matter how old you were, she was the one who would wear the "jingle bell" earrings at christmas. She was my Nanny.
Nick was the encourager, he was the one person that I could talk to about anything and not worry about it going to anyone else, he was the only guy that offered to hold my hair when I was sick, he was the one who yelled "my nipples are so hard" while he walked around Colorado without a shirt on, he was the one that would drink 6 energy drinks within ten minutes and ask for another one, he was the one that everyone turned to for help, he was the one that pulled all the ladies. He was one of the best guys at McKinney Memorial Bible Church.
Alexis, Savannah, Tim, Calvin, Vivian, and Nick- they were the ones who would throw all the parties, they were the ones that would be at the parties, they were the ones that you could expect hilarious 4am texts from, they were the lovers and fighters, they were the hard-headed "badasses", they were the ones that could always make someone smile, they were the ones that always knew just how to make me feel better. They were the people that I could always have fun with.
So why couldn't it have been me? I would take their places in a heart beat if I could. I've seen the impact these people have all made on other's lives, and I just wish I could take their pain away. But ever since I lost Hunter, I had always wondered what it would be like if I were gone. What impact would my death have on other people? Would people even care?
Why them, why not me?
11/16/09, 9/13/10, 12/23/10, 3/6/11
Hunter was the life of the party, he was the person that could make everyone in a silent room laugh, he was the one who could make anyone smile, he was the one that I could talk to, he was the one that I would run to, he was the one that I could cry in front of, he was the one who would always encourage me and others to give to the less fortunate. He was my first friend in Fort Worth, he was my first kiss, he was my best friend, he was my brother. He was my bug.
Nanny was the only one in the family that was positive through everything, she was always smiling, she was the one who was constantly encouraging, she was the one who would push people to believe in Christ, she was the one to let you eat "bowl down" for breakfast lunch and dinner, she was the one who would let you and all the other cousins slide down the stairs on a blanket, she was the one who would let you play dress up in all her clothes no matter how old you were, she was the one who would wear the "jingle bell" earrings at christmas. She was my Nanny.
Nick was the encourager, he was the one person that I could talk to about anything and not worry about it going to anyone else, he was the only guy that offered to hold my hair when I was sick, he was the one who yelled "my nipples are so hard" while he walked around Colorado without a shirt on, he was the one that would drink 6 energy drinks within ten minutes and ask for another one, he was the one that everyone turned to for help, he was the one that pulled all the ladies. He was one of the best guys at McKinney Memorial Bible Church.
Alexis, Savannah, Tim, Calvin, Vivian, and Nick- they were the ones who would throw all the parties, they were the ones that would be at the parties, they were the ones that you could expect hilarious 4am texts from, they were the lovers and fighters, they were the hard-headed "badasses", they were the ones that could always make someone smile, they were the ones that always knew just how to make me feel better. They were the people that I could always have fun with.
So why couldn't it have been me? I would take their places in a heart beat if I could. I've seen the impact these people have all made on other's lives, and I just wish I could take their pain away. But ever since I lost Hunter, I had always wondered what it would be like if I were gone. What impact would my death have on other people? Would people even care?
Why them, why not me?
Ramblings
Have you ever heard the word of God and walked in it for about a week, only to face and fail a test a few weeks later? Then suddenly you realize the word you heard was meant to be rolled over like cellphone minutes. Why is that? I think... it's because God is still preaching a personal sermon on that word just for you and that situation bumped you off course because you weren't ready.
Update: The wilderness is tough. My experience reminds me of sinking sand. It seems like every move I make even the strategic ones, brings me lower and lower into the earth. It's frustrating and painful, but I've decided to stop struggling, I'm going to lie still and let God do what He wants to do. If I perish, I perish. (spiritually that is).
2 Corinth 5:17 Furthermore, the wilderness is designed to rid us of ourselves, so we can become more like Him.
I've learned that, while I love the Lord very much, I am still holding onto reinforcements. Meaning, I sometimes rely on things and people during certain situations (like a backup plan). But I'm learning that God wants to be my point man. He wants me to come to Him FIRST with EVERYTHING. So every time I look elsewhere for help, I can hear Him say, "Talk to me." "Stop worrying about that, trust me." "I'm here, I care." But, I still get weary. I get weary because His response is not always what I want to hear and sometimes His provision doesn't come when I want it or how I preferred.
But thank God for the Holy Spirit because He reminds me that my life is not my own, I'm not saved for myself and that I shouldn't think too highly of myself and when I really drift, He'll ask, "Who do you think you are?" He'll remind me that I'm meant to carry out the life of Christ and to rejoice in my suffering and responsibility because they are high places. Right?
I read 2 Corinth 6: 1-13.. In my Bible this section is called, " A Suffering Ministry." It really encouraged me. I truly believe that God has called me to do something great and none of this is in vain. It's just another part of the process. I might not be comfortable and I might cry a salty ocean from time to time, but I know my current position is in His plan and at the end of the day that's all that really matters.
I'm in the wilderness building faith that won't tapout, because Jesus didn't.
The Wilderness is Temporary: The God that dwells within me is Eternal. I will outlast, everything/one trying to conquer me.
Update: The wilderness is tough. My experience reminds me of sinking sand. It seems like every move I make even the strategic ones, brings me lower and lower into the earth. It's frustrating and painful, but I've decided to stop struggling, I'm going to lie still and let God do what He wants to do. If I perish, I perish. (spiritually that is).
2 Corinth 5:17 Furthermore, the wilderness is designed to rid us of ourselves, so we can become more like Him.
I've learned that, while I love the Lord very much, I am still holding onto reinforcements. Meaning, I sometimes rely on things and people during certain situations (like a backup plan). But I'm learning that God wants to be my point man. He wants me to come to Him FIRST with EVERYTHING. So every time I look elsewhere for help, I can hear Him say, "Talk to me." "Stop worrying about that, trust me." "I'm here, I care." But, I still get weary. I get weary because His response is not always what I want to hear and sometimes His provision doesn't come when I want it or how I preferred.
But thank God for the Holy Spirit because He reminds me that my life is not my own, I'm not saved for myself and that I shouldn't think too highly of myself and when I really drift, He'll ask, "Who do you think you are?" He'll remind me that I'm meant to carry out the life of Christ and to rejoice in my suffering and responsibility because they are high places. Right?
I read 2 Corinth 6: 1-13.. In my Bible this section is called, " A Suffering Ministry." It really encouraged me. I truly believe that God has called me to do something great and none of this is in vain. It's just another part of the process. I might not be comfortable and I might cry a salty ocean from time to time, but I know my current position is in His plan and at the end of the day that's all that really matters.
I'm in the wilderness building faith that won't tapout, because Jesus didn't.
The Wilderness is Temporary: The God that dwells within me is Eternal. I will outlast, everything/one trying to conquer me.
One of those days..
Everyone has "one of those days", the last month has been full of "those days" for me..
*My boyfriend broke up with me
*6 of my friends died (one being my best friend)
*My boyfriend got back with me
*Then left me again two days later
*Friends left me for "better" friends
*An almost attempt at something life altering
*and a decision to turn everything around
Some days are better than others, but most have been "those days"..
I can only pray that "those days" don't happen as often as they have been, cause I can't deal with anymore of 'em
*My boyfriend broke up with me
*6 of my friends died (one being my best friend)
*My boyfriend got back with me
*Then left me again two days later
*Friends left me for "better" friends
*An almost attempt at something life altering
*and a decision to turn everything around
Some days are better than others, but most have been "those days"..
I can only pray that "those days" don't happen as often as they have been, cause I can't deal with anymore of 'em
"'cause you're still not over him... "
I was trying to be strong, trying to make it seem like I could get over the fire, trying to make myself seem ok.. The comment was made that I wasn't over this death, which was over a year ago.. It really hit me.. You're gone and I can't change that. I can't snap my fingers and have you back here.
I never expected it to hit now.. I was thinkin' it'd happen in a few months. When things calmed down. But like they say.. When it rains, it pours.
I feel like it was just yesterday when you'd take me out muddin' and fishing and when we'd get back to your house we'd get yelled at for tracking in the mud and the smell of the lake.. haha. All those nights you'd take me out on the four wheeler and we'd watch for shooting stars, and the one night we saw one you crashed the four wheeler and we had to walk 4 miles back home because both of our phones broke.. Or when you'd make me pretend to be your girlfriend so that random girls wouldn't hit on you..
You are really gone. It finally hit, and I don't know what to do.....
Confession
I've been playing musical chairs with my emotions, nothing fits.
I'm somewhere between lost and found.
I roamed...I gotta get back to my source...I can't hear Him, there's too much static within me..."Lord, Can you hear me now?"
Please help me.
I Confess: I Can't Do This Without You
I Confess: It's not about me, it's about you...my job is to fit into your plan, not my own.
You, your will and your way are perfect. Teach me how to please you.
It's Simple: I need you.
Galatians 5: 24-26
And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and appetites and desires. If we live by the Holy Spirit let us also walk by the Spirit If by the Holy Spirit we have our life in God, let us go forward walking in line, our conduct controlled by the Spirit. Let us not become vainglorious and self-conceited, competitive and challenging and provoking and irritating to one another, envying and being jealous of one another.
I'm somewhere between lost and found.
I roamed...I gotta get back to my source...I can't hear Him, there's too much static within me..."Lord, Can you hear me now?"
Please help me.
I Confess: I Can't Do This Without You
I Confess: It's not about me, it's about you...my job is to fit into your plan, not my own.
You, your will and your way are perfect. Teach me how to please you.
It's Simple: I need you.
Galatians 5: 24-26
And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and appetites and desires. If we live by the Holy Spirit let us also walk by the Spirit If by the Holy Spirit we have our life in God, let us go forward walking in line, our conduct controlled by the Spirit. Let us not become vainglorious and self-conceited, competitive and challenging and provoking and irritating to one another, envying and being jealous of one another.
Under construction.
The Holy Spirit said, "The confirmation you just received was supposed to be your revelation"
I've been trying to resist a calloused heart. But, of course the last thing I wanted to hear, was what I had to do...I was like, "God, why is it that, every time we talk, there's always something I've gotta do?" When I'm stable I can understand his correction to be love, for my good and a chance to be who He promised I was. When I'm unstable (overwhelmed, bombarded by life and all of it's circumstances) I receive His correction as scolding and I feel beaten.
I can admit, that I don't know who I am and I don't know what I'm doing. The reality is that I've adopted a myriad of personalities while trying to discover who I truly am. I'm a young woman and a little girl in many ways. Sometimes, I feel so small and unimportant. Sometimes, I just stare at people wondering if they really see me...
There's a war going on inside me.
So, I confessed, "I thought I knew how to be in relationship with You, but I don't...show me how."
I keep thinking about this statement:
Your relationships with people are a representation of your relationship with God.
It's true. I do not honor people the way I'm supposed to. It all depends on my mood, sometimes I feel outgoing, other times I don't. When I don't feel outgoing, I can speak to someone without remembering their face or name and honestly, not caring because I'm so lost in my own thoughts... I realized I treat the Holy Spirit the same way... He's always speaking to me, but because I don't always feel outgoing or open, I respond with a shallow, "Ok". Without truly taking the time to appreciate Him for choosing me for that word at that moment.
Which brings me back to my original point of concern: "The confirmation you just received, was supposed to be your revelation". Meaning the confirmation was meant to be an outflow and not an inflow. He tried to send it to me, but it bounced back. SO he had to send it through another vessel-an open one. I'm disappointed, because I keep missing God. If I don't get it right, His plans for me will be null and void and He will be forced to choose someone else to carry out His plan. I want to shed where I am and who I know myself to be for where I'm going and who God created me to be..
My request: Have mercy on me and please be patient with me. I'm changing. I know you can't see it, neither can I, but something is going on, on the inside. HE is at work in me.
I'm Under Construction=Under His Will
He Shall Perfect Me and since He has begun the work, He is faithful to complete it
I've been trying to resist a calloused heart. But, of course the last thing I wanted to hear, was what I had to do...I was like, "God, why is it that, every time we talk, there's always something I've gotta do?" When I'm stable I can understand his correction to be love, for my good and a chance to be who He promised I was. When I'm unstable (overwhelmed, bombarded by life and all of it's circumstances) I receive His correction as scolding and I feel beaten.
I can admit, that I don't know who I am and I don't know what I'm doing. The reality is that I've adopted a myriad of personalities while trying to discover who I truly am. I'm a young woman and a little girl in many ways. Sometimes, I feel so small and unimportant. Sometimes, I just stare at people wondering if they really see me...
There's a war going on inside me.
So, I confessed, "I thought I knew how to be in relationship with You, but I don't...show me how."
I keep thinking about this statement:
Your relationships with people are a representation of your relationship with God.
It's true. I do not honor people the way I'm supposed to. It all depends on my mood, sometimes I feel outgoing, other times I don't. When I don't feel outgoing, I can speak to someone without remembering their face or name and honestly, not caring because I'm so lost in my own thoughts... I realized I treat the Holy Spirit the same way... He's always speaking to me, but because I don't always feel outgoing or open, I respond with a shallow, "Ok". Without truly taking the time to appreciate Him for choosing me for that word at that moment.
Which brings me back to my original point of concern: "The confirmation you just received, was supposed to be your revelation". Meaning the confirmation was meant to be an outflow and not an inflow. He tried to send it to me, but it bounced back. SO he had to send it through another vessel-an open one. I'm disappointed, because I keep missing God. If I don't get it right, His plans for me will be null and void and He will be forced to choose someone else to carry out His plan. I want to shed where I am and who I know myself to be for where I'm going and who God created me to be..
My request: Have mercy on me and please be patient with me. I'm changing. I know you can't see it, neither can I, but something is going on, on the inside. HE is at work in me.
I'm Under Construction=Under His Will
He Shall Perfect Me and since He has begun the work, He is faithful to complete it
Lost
Neglected. Hurt. Mad. Tears.
When the one person you want to talk to doesn't answer your calls or texts, mad.
When the one person you want to come and catch your tears while you're loud crying is too busy to come to your rescue, neglected.
When the one person you always run to isn't there, hurt.
When every emotion you've been holding in hits you like a big bus, you get tears.
When the one person you want to talk to doesn't answer your calls or texts, mad.
When the one person you want to come and catch your tears while you're loud crying is too busy to come to your rescue, neglected.
When the one person you always run to isn't there, hurt.
When every emotion you've been holding in hits you like a big bus, you get tears.
emotions
Disaster, hurt, sad, angry, crushed, frustrated, irritated, confused, helpless, wreck, tears, broken.
I broke.
I don't know what to do with the 232345 pieces of my heart I'm holding here in my hands. I don't know what to do when the one person I need to talk to most asks me to "hold on" and I'm left in the silence just catching my own tears in my hands, waiting for a phone call or text message. I don't know how to handle the loss of six good friends at once. I don't know how to even comprehend the magnitude of the pain me and my dearest friends are having to go through. I don't know what to do when everything falls apart and I'm left here, alone.
All I can do now is pray and hope that tomorrow is a better day.
I broke.
I don't know what to do with the 232345 pieces of my heart I'm holding here in my hands. I don't know what to do when the one person I need to talk to most asks me to "hold on" and I'm left in the silence just catching my own tears in my hands, waiting for a phone call or text message. I don't know how to handle the loss of six good friends at once. I don't know how to even comprehend the magnitude of the pain me and my dearest friends are having to go through. I don't know what to do when everything falls apart and I'm left here, alone.
All I can do now is pray and hope that tomorrow is a better day.
The sharp knife of a short life..
This week has been one word: hell. Every morning that I wake up I think it's all a dream, I turn my TV on and I see it on the news. Or I have a text/wall post telling me that everyone is here for me and praying for me. But I never wake up to a text from them, not a text saying it's all some cruel joke.. or that I've finally been waken up from this nightmare.. Usually when you lose one person in your life it's really hard, but when you lost 6 people all at once.. it doesn't hit as hard until a few days later. When you get calls/texts/messages/wall posts to you from people you haven't talked to since middle school telling you that they're here for you forever and they remember how me and one of the girls who is now dead were best friends... It just hurts so much more when there are six people you love are gone, especially when one of them has been your best friend for 4+ years..
Calvin Reineck- you were my best friend/partner in crime/ride or die.. we grew apart over the years, but you always knew just how to put a smile on my face. I was your first kiss, and you told me you'd love me forever for teaching you how to "love someone the right way".. RIP
Nick Evans- you were absolutely crazy, and that's why we got along. You could say one word in an australian accent and it sounded legit, you always called me when you wanted to go get a snow cone or when you wanted a slushy, you always texted me and told me how I was your girly best friend.. RIP
TIMMY- you told me every time I wrote your name down it had to be in all caps, so there it is. I only met you 5-8 times, but every time I was around you, you'd go out of your way to let me know I was beautiful.. I never got to thank you for that.. RIP
Vivian Rodriguez- you girl, you were crazy.. people judged you for liking who you liked, and you stuck your middle finger up and did whatever you wanted. I loved that about you. You'd call me when you needed someone to cry to when you and Celeste were having problems, and then you'd hang up on me when she called you back ;) we always talked about getting matching tattoos of kittens and whatnot, but i'll never forget our last conversation about you wanting to start coming to church with me.. I wish you could have stayed around so that could have happened. RIP baby girl.
Savannah Lynn Morrero- now we're getting to the hard ones.. You were my little. In middle school I remember how you begged and begged to come to my birthday party and I said no every time until the day of, and then you couldn't even come haha. You always called me to make sure I was in school back when I used to skip, you texted me on weekends and told me to be safe. In middle school when you weren't following me and meg around, you would tell me how much you looked up to us. You will ALWAYS be my little. RIP
Alexis Jade Schooley- you have been my best friend for years.. I remember when we got in that fight in middle school and people were surrounding us, yelling out the colors of our purses. All because I didn't want you at my birthday party and I pushed Kayla into you.. Oh, and right after we were done fighting I complimented your shoes and you tried to get out of getting suspended by sayin my birthday party was that friday and I would get in trouble. I remember when we walked to Leonard allll the way from my house in chapel creek. When we found some kid's backpack and thought we had just solved a crime, and we made Todd call the cops everything. I remember when we would be running the mile in PE and we'd run off course to get snow cones. I remember when we would always go to Mansfield with Kayla and walk around that town like we owned it. I remember all those times when we would go up to Leonard and climb on the football posts.. I remember the night of the haunted house, right before we went in you smacked my butt and said "i love you boo boo"... I remember all those times when we would walk to Kaltrina's house and bug the hell out of her mom to make us their albanian food. I honestly don't have a clue what I'm going to do without you here. We texted everyday, almost all day long. You have been one of the biggest parts of my life for years now, and I could never imagine my life without you here with me. You ARE my best friend, and I love you so much, forever. RIP, best friend <3
Friends Mourn Party Trailer Fire Victims: MyFoxDFW.com
Calvin Reineck- you were my best friend/partner in crime/ride or die.. we grew apart over the years, but you always knew just how to put a smile on my face. I was your first kiss, and you told me you'd love me forever for teaching you how to "love someone the right way".. RIP
Nick Evans- you were absolutely crazy, and that's why we got along. You could say one word in an australian accent and it sounded legit, you always called me when you wanted to go get a snow cone or when you wanted a slushy, you always texted me and told me how I was your girly best friend.. RIP
TIMMY- you told me every time I wrote your name down it had to be in all caps, so there it is. I only met you 5-8 times, but every time I was around you, you'd go out of your way to let me know I was beautiful.. I never got to thank you for that.. RIP
Vivian Rodriguez- you girl, you were crazy.. people judged you for liking who you liked, and you stuck your middle finger up and did whatever you wanted. I loved that about you. You'd call me when you needed someone to cry to when you and Celeste were having problems, and then you'd hang up on me when she called you back ;) we always talked about getting matching tattoos of kittens and whatnot, but i'll never forget our last conversation about you wanting to start coming to church with me.. I wish you could have stayed around so that could have happened. RIP baby girl.
Savannah Lynn Morrero- now we're getting to the hard ones.. You were my little. In middle school I remember how you begged and begged to come to my birthday party and I said no every time until the day of, and then you couldn't even come haha. You always called me to make sure I was in school back when I used to skip, you texted me on weekends and told me to be safe. In middle school when you weren't following me and meg around, you would tell me how much you looked up to us. You will ALWAYS be my little. RIP
Alexis Jade Schooley- you have been my best friend for years.. I remember when we got in that fight in middle school and people were surrounding us, yelling out the colors of our purses. All because I didn't want you at my birthday party and I pushed Kayla into you.. Oh, and right after we were done fighting I complimented your shoes and you tried to get out of getting suspended by sayin my birthday party was that friday and I would get in trouble. I remember when we walked to Leonard allll the way from my house in chapel creek. When we found some kid's backpack and thought we had just solved a crime, and we made Todd call the cops everything. I remember when we would be running the mile in PE and we'd run off course to get snow cones. I remember when we would always go to Mansfield with Kayla and walk around that town like we owned it. I remember all those times when we would go up to Leonard and climb on the football posts.. I remember the night of the haunted house, right before we went in you smacked my butt and said "i love you boo boo"... I remember all those times when we would walk to Kaltrina's house and bug the hell out of her mom to make us their albanian food. I honestly don't have a clue what I'm going to do without you here. We texted everyday, almost all day long. You have been one of the biggest parts of my life for years now, and I could never imagine my life without you here with me. You ARE my best friend, and I love you so much, forever. RIP, best friend <3
"Vitamin C"
February 2011 documented some highs and some very lows.
Successes and failures
Hello's and goodbyes
Times of utter despair and sleepless nights
I fell apart, got mended again
I fell down, got back up again
Cried to the point of emptiness
Was courageous and a coward
I learned there are ugly places deep inside of me
I learned that my faith needs more "Vitamin C"
I learned that prideful believer's are full of unbelief
I learned that I rebel when I don't get my way
I learned the creature that disobeys its creator is insane
Minor cancerous condition quickly escalated to Code Blue
I'm a sinner, saved by grace, going in circles... without any excuses
Successes and failures
Hello's and goodbyes
Times of utter despair and sleepless nights
I fell apart, got mended again
I fell down, got back up again
Cried to the point of emptiness
Was courageous and a coward
I learned there are ugly places deep inside of me
I learned that my faith needs more "Vitamin C"
I learned that prideful believer's are full of unbelief
I learned that I rebel when I don't get my way
I learned the creature that disobeys its creator is insane
Minor cancerous condition quickly escalated to Code Blue
I'm a sinner, saved by grace, going in circles... without any excuses
So I'm running, If I can't walk then I'll crawl and I'll get up if I fall, gotta get to where you are.
"So I'm running, If I can't walk then I'll crawl and I'll get up if I fall, gotta get to where you are. So I'm running and I won't stop for nothing, it's hard , but its worth it, when its you Lord that I want".
Some of us are fighting with God and my advice is to give in, because you will NOT win. (I should probably start taking my own advice)...
Sometimes, God has to strip us of our "life-lines", so he can take us to another level..
Recently, I have been down on every side, I haven't been able catch a break anywhere and it feels like God has forgotten about me!
I was crying, complaining, looking at what everybody else had that I felt I was entitled to, and on top of that, I was a hater. Yes, I can admit that. I was not in a place where I could be happy for anybody, because nothing positive was happening for me. I wanted to tap-out of my life like I was in a wrestling match. Exhausted, I stopped fighting God realizing my misery was justified and the reason for my suffering was me.
While I was mad at God, refusing to talk to Him, He was right there with his arms wide open. But me being delirious with anger was too busy yelling where are you? to notice.
Now, I'm beginning to put myself in a place where I can celebrate the successes of other people and sincerely thank God for that dry place.
He wants us to have the best out of the life He has given, but we have to surrender and let Him have full control by realizing that your life is not about you, its about Him working in you.
God created us for a purpose, but we will never discover it, until we learn to let go. In trying to do this, we often get hung up on our own strengths and what we have overcome in the past. It is time to admit, that you don't have any strength and everything you got through in the past was by the grace of God, not you.
1 Peter 5:10 "After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all Grace who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you"
Some of us are fighting with God and my advice is to give in, because you will NOT win. (I should probably start taking my own advice)...
Sometimes, God has to strip us of our "life-lines", so he can take us to another level..
Recently, I have been down on every side, I haven't been able catch a break anywhere and it feels like God has forgotten about me!
I was crying, complaining, looking at what everybody else had that I felt I was entitled to, and on top of that, I was a hater. Yes, I can admit that. I was not in a place where I could be happy for anybody, because nothing positive was happening for me. I wanted to tap-out of my life like I was in a wrestling match. Exhausted, I stopped fighting God realizing my misery was justified and the reason for my suffering was me.
While I was mad at God, refusing to talk to Him, He was right there with his arms wide open. But me being delirious with anger was too busy yelling where are you? to notice.
Now, I'm beginning to put myself in a place where I can celebrate the successes of other people and sincerely thank God for that dry place.
He wants us to have the best out of the life He has given, but we have to surrender and let Him have full control by realizing that your life is not about you, its about Him working in you.
God created us for a purpose, but we will never discover it, until we learn to let go. In trying to do this, we often get hung up on our own strengths and what we have overcome in the past. It is time to admit, that you don't have any strength and everything you got through in the past was by the grace of God, not you.
1 Peter 5:10 "After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all Grace who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you"
Look up..
I messed up.
I hurt my best friend and now our friendship may never recover...I was distraught, until I took the spotlight off of myself and realized my friend was hurting the most. My thoughts were all over the place, and of course the enemy was saying, "Look what you did!,You're a terrible person and I was listening. Until, I remembered that there is no condemnation to those who are in Christ. I also showed mercy to myself being mindful of the fact that I'm a human being who made an irrational decision in an unbalanced emotional state. I believed a lie and responded to it.
I was so ashamed of myself and even though it felt like my lowest point and lowest deed He was right there with me, longing to hold me, if I would let Him.
And I let Him.
Since this incident a lot has changed, not only in that one particular friendship; but in most of my others. I'm no longer afraid to state my opinions, but I know when to hold them back. God has put a lock on my mouth (most of the time).. I've been able to keep my opinions to myself when I needed to most, and also express my opinions when He thought it was right for me to step up and say something. But before I say anything, I keep telling myself to "Look UP!".. He will lead me to where I need to go, He will push me into saying anything that He wants to come out of my mouth, He will guide me down the right path if I choose to walk with Him, He will be the light in my darkness, He is my strength when I'm weak, and He is everything.
I've been learning a lot from Him recently.. and what He's been teaching me is good, but it's hard to go through everything He has been putting me through. I know He's there to hug and hold me, and I know He's going to light up my darkness; but I just want to know what He is trying to teach me while He's putting me through all of this.. It hurts like hell, but I just have to "look UP" and know He is here through it all.. even when it hurts.
I hurt my best friend and now our friendship may never recover...I was distraught, until I took the spotlight off of myself and realized my friend was hurting the most. My thoughts were all over the place, and of course the enemy was saying, "Look what you did!,You're a terrible person and I was listening. Until, I remembered that there is no condemnation to those who are in Christ. I also showed mercy to myself being mindful of the fact that I'm a human being who made an irrational decision in an unbalanced emotional state. I believed a lie and responded to it.
I was so ashamed of myself and even though it felt like my lowest point and lowest deed He was right there with me, longing to hold me, if I would let Him.
And I let Him.
Since this incident a lot has changed, not only in that one particular friendship; but in most of my others. I'm no longer afraid to state my opinions, but I know when to hold them back. God has put a lock on my mouth (most of the time).. I've been able to keep my opinions to myself when I needed to most, and also express my opinions when He thought it was right for me to step up and say something. But before I say anything, I keep telling myself to "Look UP!".. He will lead me to where I need to go, He will push me into saying anything that He wants to come out of my mouth, He will guide me down the right path if I choose to walk with Him, He will be the light in my darkness, He is my strength when I'm weak, and He is everything.
I've been learning a lot from Him recently.. and what He's been teaching me is good, but it's hard to go through everything He has been putting me through. I know He's there to hug and hold me, and I know He's going to light up my darkness; but I just want to know what He is trying to teach me while He's putting me through all of this.. It hurts like hell, but I just have to "look UP" and know He is here through it all.. even when it hurts.
Rough.
I was woken up this morning by a text from my soccer coach, telling me that we would not be playing in the game that we've all been wanting to play for the past two weeks. Moments later, as I was falling back into a deep sleep, my phone rang again. This time it was a parent, a woman who I've looked up to for years, a woman who is stronger than almost any other person that I know; she was in tears. She told me that she had been diagnosed with cancer, it wasn't severe and she said that they could take care of it easy because they found it so soon.. But all she wanted was her son. All she wanted was a hug from her son. All she wanted was to hear her son tell her that she would be ok, and then tell her a funny joke about a black man and an asian housewife.. All she wanted was her son..
It's funny, ya know... 15 months ago, she was sitting in a hospital with a straight face and not one tear rolled down her face.. She was strong. A few days later, she tried holding herself together, somehow she was still in better shape than I was at that funeral.. At his graduation I only stayed strong because I hate showing emotion, but that was one of the first times I saw(heard) her break. She was pissed, upset, infuriated, unhappy, disgusted, disappointed.. Every emotion a person could feel, she felt them all within an hour.. Once they passed where the "Moke" should have been with the seniors walking across the stage, she was done. It had all become real at that moment.. And now she's calling me, crying her eyes out, telling me how scared she is; how much she needs her son. And I can't do anything about. I can't tell her that it will be ok, because I don't know that. I cant' tell her that this will all be done with when treatment is over, because I don't know that. I can't give her the "Hunter hug" that she wants, because I'm not him. I don't know how to help her.
If you know me, helping people who are hurting is like a hobby. I try my hardest to stay strong for other people so that I can take care of the one's who are hurting. I try so hard to hide my feelings when others are hurting. I try to be "ok" so that others can come to me when they need something. In this situation, I'm scared to help her. I'm scared I'll say the wrong thing. I'm scared that my help won't be what she wants/needs, and I'll disappoint her in who she thinks I am.
God, I know you hear me. I know you have complete control of what's going on down here.. Please watch over her, somehow tell her that she will be ok. Give me guidance. Give me the confidence I need to help her like she needs me to. God, give her a sign that her son is watching over her and protecting her from everything just like he said he always would. I know he's with you, but I know he's still that mama's boy he's always been. God, help me out. Help her out. Help out that family, because this just seems unfair to them.. So unfair.
It's funny, ya know... 15 months ago, she was sitting in a hospital with a straight face and not one tear rolled down her face.. She was strong. A few days later, she tried holding herself together, somehow she was still in better shape than I was at that funeral.. At his graduation I only stayed strong because I hate showing emotion, but that was one of the first times I saw(heard) her break. She was pissed, upset, infuriated, unhappy, disgusted, disappointed.. Every emotion a person could feel, she felt them all within an hour.. Once they passed where the "Moke" should have been with the seniors walking across the stage, she was done. It had all become real at that moment.. And now she's calling me, crying her eyes out, telling me how scared she is; how much she needs her son. And I can't do anything about. I can't tell her that it will be ok, because I don't know that. I cant' tell her that this will all be done with when treatment is over, because I don't know that. I can't give her the "Hunter hug" that she wants, because I'm not him. I don't know how to help her.
If you know me, helping people who are hurting is like a hobby. I try my hardest to stay strong for other people so that I can take care of the one's who are hurting. I try so hard to hide my feelings when others are hurting. I try to be "ok" so that others can come to me when they need something. In this situation, I'm scared to help her. I'm scared I'll say the wrong thing. I'm scared that my help won't be what she wants/needs, and I'll disappoint her in who she thinks I am.
God, I know you hear me. I know you have complete control of what's going on down here.. Please watch over her, somehow tell her that she will be ok. Give me guidance. Give me the confidence I need to help her like she needs me to. God, give her a sign that her son is watching over her and protecting her from everything just like he said he always would. I know he's with you, but I know he's still that mama's boy he's always been. God, help me out. Help her out. Help out that family, because this just seems unfair to them.. So unfair.
Ramblings..
I was frustrated Tuesday evening.
I was dealing with the issues I have regarding church, church folk and completely clueless about what God wanted me to do...
I stayed up until 4am reading old messages of encouragement, listening to songs that usually give me strength, and staring at the ceiling. I went to bed, then went right back to it in the morning. The word says if we seek, we will find and if we draw near to Him, He will draw near to us. So I kept looking...Wednesday evening, I was still searching. I gave in to the texts, calls, and facebook messages and went back to MMBC for the night..
Me and a friend discussed unity, love for others and the Ten Commandments.
Read scriptures (Psalms 133) (1 John 4:19-21) (Exodus 20).
He said:
1.) The first five commandments discuss our relationship with God and the last five commandments discuss our relationship with others.
2.) We show our relationship with God in how we treat others.
3.) Be mindful of the dialogue we have within our hearts.
In regards to matters of the heart, the Bible says, "For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart".
As a "born leader", I'm self-sufficient.
I naturally lead in group situations to keep others focused on the goal. Now, don't get me wrong, there have been times when I did not want the responsibility of leadership; yet found myself playing the role, because things were falling behind. I usually have a very low tolerance for disorganization..
Therefore, I don't trust people; I'd rather do everything by myself because I trust me (most of the time). So I thought to myself, if my relationship with others is a mirror image of my relationship with God, Do I really trust God? Am I in His way? I surrendered... Right?
That bothered me on the ride home, so I dove into His word. I'm hard-headed so sometimes...okay, most of the time, I need God to slap me with answers. He answered. While reading Hebrews chapters 4 and 12, He told me my current position in life is a lesson of humility, because I'm prideful. In other words, if my group was Destiny's Child I'd play Beyonce.. Right now, I believe God is asking me to play a supporting role. To learn how to become self-less, hence more like Him.
How do I know that's what He said? God speaks to us in different ways, so my experience may differ from yours. Nevertheless, I know it was Him because when He speaks a feeling of peace and enlightenment comes over me. Everything gets quiet (even quiet gets quiet) and in that moment everything makes sense.
Pride is not of God. We are supposed to strive to be like Christ.
I know this little lesson is not meant to discourage me, it's meant to strengthen me, so that God can use me for His glory, not mine. If anybody supports me in my pursuit of "Joy”, (people keep telling me that happiness fades) it's the Lord, that is why God has my heart under construction. In order to please Him, I have to be teachable. How far will I get if think I know everything? NO WHERE.
"So that your trust may be in the Lord, I teach you today, even you" Proverbs 22:19
God is asking me to trust him "fully". In other words, He has countered my prayers with "How bad do you want it?" and "Are you willing to trust me completely?" I am certain that I love and trust God, BUT in certain areas of my life, I have him in a box.
Have you ever given a gift to a child, to watch in confusion as he/she plays with the box? Well, that's what I'm doing.. I've taken the wrapping paper off of God, pressed his buttons and watched Him illuminate my life, but in my "pride" I failed to notice that He comes with ALL power in his hands and accessories like grace, mercy,peace,joy,victory,love,virtue,abundance,salvation,justice,truth etc, and He's equipped to handle any situation that occurs in my life.
In previous posts I shared that I have made great leaps in faith and character in the past year, but that is no reason to get a big head, I have a long way to go. I am a work in progress. God did not reveal my purpose, but he revealed something I have to get rid of in order to reach it! Truth be told, if He showed me, it wouldn't matter, because I'm not ready to handle it anyway!
Thank God for answered prayer, I'm on the right track and I'm RUNNING FOR MY LIFE.
I was dealing with the issues I have regarding church, church folk and completely clueless about what God wanted me to do...
I stayed up until 4am reading old messages of encouragement, listening to songs that usually give me strength, and staring at the ceiling. I went to bed, then went right back to it in the morning. The word says if we seek, we will find and if we draw near to Him, He will draw near to us. So I kept looking...Wednesday evening, I was still searching. I gave in to the texts, calls, and facebook messages and went back to MMBC for the night..
Me and a friend discussed unity, love for others and the Ten Commandments.
Read scriptures (Psalms 133) (1 John 4:19-21) (Exodus 20).
He said:
1.) The first five commandments discuss our relationship with God and the last five commandments discuss our relationship with others.
2.) We show our relationship with God in how we treat others.
3.) Be mindful of the dialogue we have within our hearts.
In regards to matters of the heart, the Bible says, "For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart".
As a "born leader", I'm self-sufficient.
I naturally lead in group situations to keep others focused on the goal. Now, don't get me wrong, there have been times when I did not want the responsibility of leadership; yet found myself playing the role, because things were falling behind. I usually have a very low tolerance for disorganization..
Therefore, I don't trust people; I'd rather do everything by myself because I trust me (most of the time). So I thought to myself, if my relationship with others is a mirror image of my relationship with God, Do I really trust God? Am I in His way? I surrendered... Right?
That bothered me on the ride home, so I dove into His word. I'm hard-headed so sometimes...okay, most of the time, I need God to slap me with answers. He answered. While reading Hebrews chapters 4 and 12, He told me my current position in life is a lesson of humility, because I'm prideful. In other words, if my group was Destiny's Child I'd play Beyonce.. Right now, I believe God is asking me to play a supporting role. To learn how to become self-less, hence more like Him.
How do I know that's what He said? God speaks to us in different ways, so my experience may differ from yours. Nevertheless, I know it was Him because when He speaks a feeling of peace and enlightenment comes over me. Everything gets quiet (even quiet gets quiet) and in that moment everything makes sense.
Pride is not of God. We are supposed to strive to be like Christ.
I know this little lesson is not meant to discourage me, it's meant to strengthen me, so that God can use me for His glory, not mine. If anybody supports me in my pursuit of "Joy”, (people keep telling me that happiness fades) it's the Lord, that is why God has my heart under construction. In order to please Him, I have to be teachable. How far will I get if think I know everything? NO WHERE.
"So that your trust may be in the Lord, I teach you today, even you" Proverbs 22:19
God is asking me to trust him "fully". In other words, He has countered my prayers with "How bad do you want it?" and "Are you willing to trust me completely?" I am certain that I love and trust God, BUT in certain areas of my life, I have him in a box.
Have you ever given a gift to a child, to watch in confusion as he/she plays with the box? Well, that's what I'm doing.. I've taken the wrapping paper off of God, pressed his buttons and watched Him illuminate my life, but in my "pride" I failed to notice that He comes with ALL power in his hands and accessories like grace, mercy,peace,joy,victory,love,virtue,abundance,salvation,justice,truth etc, and He's equipped to handle any situation that occurs in my life.
In previous posts I shared that I have made great leaps in faith and character in the past year, but that is no reason to get a big head, I have a long way to go. I am a work in progress. God did not reveal my purpose, but he revealed something I have to get rid of in order to reach it! Truth be told, if He showed me, it wouldn't matter, because I'm not ready to handle it anyway!
Thank God for answered prayer, I'm on the right track and I'm RUNNING FOR MY LIFE.
"Victorious in Victoria!"
It wasn't until this past week/weekend until I realized how "helpful" I am to two different groups of people. I announced via facebook status that I would be leaving the church I have been at for the past year; the response was very unexpected, and for the most part it wasn't a positive response. My soccer team left early Thursday morning for a tournament in Victoria, TX (which we placed first in), and after the first game multiple players on the team, including my coach, said "I don't know what this team would do without you."
I began to look at things differently all weekend.
I tried to stay off of facebook as much as possible, and the one time that I checked it I had a message from a friend that read this:
I've been trying to think of something to say that would encourage you that I haven't already said before. Words that you wouldn't roll your eyes at and immediately delete. Words that would warm your heart and make you feel loved, important, special, cherished... Words besides turtle, princess, and Timmy. ;)
You are not trash. You are beautiful, Kaelen, inside and out. (It's no wonder Landon does whatever you want. He knows he's a lucky guy.) I watch you with the Buell kids, with Abby, with Christian, with Brody... you are amazing with them. They are drawn to you, trust you, want to do what you do. You are a role model. And your impact doesn't stop with small children. I watched you (in your signature funny way) teach Emily Livingston how to tie a scarf. You broke your finger making Nathan Batts feel loved. You made Mr. and Mrs. Batts smile during their darkest days. You ignored your phone and listened to Nan. You were the first to take care of Emily Burgess when she found out Nick died. You are the person Eron requests to make him laugh. You go visit your middle school teacher. You play soccer in pain so you don't let your team down. You have dinner dates with your Peepaw. The moral of the story is that you are there for people when they need you.
And you love Jesus. Yeah. I still watch you worship sometimes because it's a reminder to me of what it should look like. You are never more confident than you seem to be when you're worshiping your Savior. And I love that when you learn something from scripture you are quick to share it with others.
I've told you everyday for months now that I love you, because I don't want there to be any doubt in your mind... good days, bad days, mad-at-me days, love-me-lots days, sick days, every.day. Nobody else in my life has heard it as often. Legit. I love you, Kaelen Nicole Sherman. Most. No matter what.
1 Thessalonians 2:8
Just days before I had been called a "slut" and "trash", all because someone heard something about me that wasn't true and tried to ruin my relationship. I was told that I was worthless and I had no reason to live, because no one wanted me here.. And it put me back into the dark place I was in before Winter Retreat 2009, I was ready to give up and give in and just believe them. I left for the weekend with people from MMBC texting and calling asking why I was "abandoning" them, and the only thing I could say was "I just want something new."
I'm one of those people that doesn't stick with the same thing for long unless it's good for me. MMBC has been more than good for me, but at this point it is just the "normal", and I need something more than that. I've been thinking about this for a long time and in CO this past December; I had a long 45 minute discussion with a good friend of mine. He told me that he would go visit a new church with me, he told me to do what I felt was right for me, and to go for what I wanted if what I wanted was what would be best for me. Nick was right, that's what I should do; and that's what I am going to do. My "best friend" wants nothing to do with me now because she thinks I'm bailing, but I'm doing what is going to hopefully make me happy. Others were sad just because they'd miss me, and apparently because "there is no one else like me at Mckinney." And then I have that one or two people who supported me, and then the one who was all for letting me go, but who is no longer with us..
As for my team; I scored 5 goals total within the three games we played in tournament, received the MVP award, and "made the whole tourney more fun." They kept saying they didn't know what they'd do without me.. Then I look back and see how I've stuck with playing soccer for 13 years, and it's normal for me..
How can playing soccer every day of my life be normal and ok with me more so than attending a church two times a week that I've only been at for a year...? It doesn't make sense to me, and I'm beginning to regret my decision on switching churches now more than I expected to..
I began to look at things differently all weekend.
I tried to stay off of facebook as much as possible, and the one time that I checked it I had a message from a friend that read this:
I've been trying to think of something to say that would encourage you that I haven't already said before. Words that you wouldn't roll your eyes at and immediately delete. Words that would warm your heart and make you feel loved, important, special, cherished... Words besides turtle, princess, and Timmy. ;)
You are not trash. You are beautiful, Kaelen, inside and out. (It's no wonder Landon does whatever you want. He knows he's a lucky guy.) I watch you with the Buell kids, with Abby, with Christian, with Brody... you are amazing with them. They are drawn to you, trust you, want to do what you do. You are a role model. And your impact doesn't stop with small children. I watched you (in your signature funny way) teach Emily Livingston how to tie a scarf. You broke your finger making Nathan Batts feel loved. You made Mr. and Mrs. Batts smile during their darkest days. You ignored your phone and listened to Nan. You were the first to take care of Emily Burgess when she found out Nick died. You are the person Eron requests to make him laugh. You go visit your middle school teacher. You play soccer in pain so you don't let your team down. You have dinner dates with your Peepaw. The moral of the story is that you are there for people when they need you.
And you love Jesus. Yeah. I still watch you worship sometimes because it's a reminder to me of what it should look like. You are never more confident than you seem to be when you're worshiping your Savior. And I love that when you learn something from scripture you are quick to share it with others.
I've told you everyday for months now that I love you, because I don't want there to be any doubt in your mind... good days, bad days, mad-at-me days, love-me-lots days, sick days, every.day. Nobody else in my life has heard it as often. Legit. I love you, Kaelen Nicole Sherman. Most. No matter what.
1 Thessalonians 2:8
Just days before I had been called a "slut" and "trash", all because someone heard something about me that wasn't true and tried to ruin my relationship. I was told that I was worthless and I had no reason to live, because no one wanted me here.. And it put me back into the dark place I was in before Winter Retreat 2009, I was ready to give up and give in and just believe them. I left for the weekend with people from MMBC texting and calling asking why I was "abandoning" them, and the only thing I could say was "I just want something new."
I'm one of those people that doesn't stick with the same thing for long unless it's good for me. MMBC has been more than good for me, but at this point it is just the "normal", and I need something more than that. I've been thinking about this for a long time and in CO this past December; I had a long 45 minute discussion with a good friend of mine. He told me that he would go visit a new church with me, he told me to do what I felt was right for me, and to go for what I wanted if what I wanted was what would be best for me. Nick was right, that's what I should do; and that's what I am going to do. My "best friend" wants nothing to do with me now because she thinks I'm bailing, but I'm doing what is going to hopefully make me happy. Others were sad just because they'd miss me, and apparently because "there is no one else like me at Mckinney." And then I have that one or two people who supported me, and then the one who was all for letting me go, but who is no longer with us..
As for my team; I scored 5 goals total within the three games we played in tournament, received the MVP award, and "made the whole tourney more fun." They kept saying they didn't know what they'd do without me.. Then I look back and see how I've stuck with playing soccer for 13 years, and it's normal for me..
How can playing soccer every day of my life be normal and ok with me more so than attending a church two times a week that I've only been at for a year...? It doesn't make sense to me, and I'm beginning to regret my decision on switching churches now more than I expected to..
45 Jesus things I learned this year.
So, I was told to write down the top 10 things that I learned in 2010 that had to do with my faith in Jesus. I started to write them down, and I realized how many things I learned. I got to 45.. There are more, I'm sure, but I should be studying for finals.. So, I stopped at 45 for now.. Here they go.. (in no particular order)
1.) My relationships with people reflect my relationship with God
2.) It's impossible to be honest with the Lord if you cannot be honest with yourself. Lasting relationships are built on honesty
3.) God sees every weakness and knows every secret, but He loves us anyway
4.) The Lord speaks at all times, but listening is a choice
5.) Jesus died so that you could live the best life possible, the only person that can hinder your growth is you
6.) Through Christ we have the power to be joyful, even in times of heartbreak
7.) The joy of the Lord is our strength
8.) God's call or plan for our life is non-negotiable, just accept it, agree with Him for the best results and the greatest performance
9.) We're made to handle each obstacle that dares to step in our way, don't be discouraged, the Lord has already gone ahead of us
10.) Our first love and commitment is to the Lord, give Him your best and your all
11.) Living for God leads to a much more productive life than living for something else
12.) The best place to be is in the will of God
13.) Fulfillment/approval can only be found in God, be aware of the enemy; he specializes in cliche fulfillment
14.) Forgive, so the Lord can hear and honor your prayers
15.) Show mercy like Jesus, we are all flawed, forgive those who offend you, sometimes they don't realize the hurt in their words/actions
16.) Don't be afraid to fall in love with Jesus, it's the safest and most fulfilling relationship you can have
17.) In order to live an abundant life, we must stay connected to the source
18.) He loved us, before we loved him
19.) Praise closes the gap when there is distance in our relationship
20.) Without the Bible we would be lost
21.) It's hard, but try to embrace periods of loneliness, after all you're never really alone and it usually means God wants to speak to you personally
22.) Don't be afraid to tell the Lord your desires, fears, or troubles it's ok to admit your frailty to Him, it's often the first step to becoming whole. So get naked. ;)
23.) Humility is key, the Lord prefers clay over stone
24.) Strive to see yourself through God's eyes
25.) Be willing to let go of characteristics that you think make you who you are...they may be imperfections you've accepted that were not included in God's original design
26.) We don't have to be sick, healing is available by faith to all who believe
27.) Serve God's people, be ready and willing to wash the feet of others(i hate feet, but you know what i'm trying to get at here..right?) :)
28.) The only one you must know to rise to the top is Christ.
29.) Life is meant to be lived and enjoyed, not gloomy or limited to the church walls, LIVE. Living for God doesn't mean you cannot wear pants, laugh, dance or try new things
30.) We will be known by our love. Love people. Make a big impression with love- smile, give eye contact, don't be afraid to hug a stranger, listen as long as they need you to, you may save a life...let's defeat suicide. Make everyone feel like they matter, because they do.
31.) If you see someone with a need and feel led by the Holy Spirit to give something away; Do It.
32.) Live righteous, even when nobody is looking. God honors righteous living/thoughts/prayer done in private
33.) Don't be afraid to worship the Lord in front of people...try to forget they are there, it could be your last chance..
34.) We're Human. Sometimes we make mistakes, or say and do things we know aren't right. ASK for forgiveness then move on. Once you've repented, it's forgotten by God and you are wiped clean. There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus, so don't continue to beat yourself up after He's forgiven you. REMEMBER: Don't Judge other people, remember your own sin and Choose to LOVE instead.
35.) When you have nothing, you discover how wealthy you are...watch the Lord provide.
36.) There is no need to fear death
37.) God doesn't need your help, nor does He need your opinion...the same goes with people if they don't ask for your opinion, strive to keep your mouth shut, and to do each task as unto the Lord, obedience honors Him.
38.) Pride comes from insecurity and feelings of entitlement...it will kill you and halt God's plan, ask the Lord to help you conquer it
39.) We represent Christ-Be mindful of how you make Him look...LOVE.
40.) God wants to be involved in EVERY area of your life
41.) Broken people create broken relationships...God offered His best, which was His son Jesus Christ. We should offer our best to each other...you cannot have a successful/ healthy relationship without first being in a successful/ healthy relationship with the Lord.
42.) Don't settle or lower your standards for a potential partner, think of who you belong to, He didn't send His Son for you to have a mediocre relationship. Don't give up on your God given destiny.
43.) If your in a relationship with someone who is not saved nor seeking a relationship with Christ as instructed in the Bible- move on. He or she is a distraction the reward is behind the next door.
44.) Exceed expectations...our Father in heaven does.
45.) If you are in need of a role model or inspiration look at Christ.
Of course I slip and I don't live by what the 45 things above say. But that's what I have learned. I guess right now I can add a 46th lesson I've learned...
46.) Psalm 56:3 - When I'm afraid, I put my trust in You.
At the end of 2010, this verse got me through so much. It also helped recreate a friendship that had always failed before. It's funny to look back and see how two really bad, traumatic events can bring so many people together as One in Christ. So, number 46 is.. When you are afraid, put your trust in Christ; trust me, it helps.
1.) My relationships with people reflect my relationship with God
2.) It's impossible to be honest with the Lord if you cannot be honest with yourself. Lasting relationships are built on honesty
3.) God sees every weakness and knows every secret, but He loves us anyway
4.) The Lord speaks at all times, but listening is a choice
5.) Jesus died so that you could live the best life possible, the only person that can hinder your growth is you
6.) Through Christ we have the power to be joyful, even in times of heartbreak
7.) The joy of the Lord is our strength
8.) God's call or plan for our life is non-negotiable, just accept it, agree with Him for the best results and the greatest performance
9.) We're made to handle each obstacle that dares to step in our way, don't be discouraged, the Lord has already gone ahead of us
10.) Our first love and commitment is to the Lord, give Him your best and your all
11.) Living for God leads to a much more productive life than living for something else
12.) The best place to be is in the will of God
13.) Fulfillment/approval can only be found in God, be aware of the enemy; he specializes in cliche fulfillment
14.) Forgive, so the Lord can hear and honor your prayers
15.) Show mercy like Jesus, we are all flawed, forgive those who offend you, sometimes they don't realize the hurt in their words/actions
16.) Don't be afraid to fall in love with Jesus, it's the safest and most fulfilling relationship you can have
17.) In order to live an abundant life, we must stay connected to the source
18.) He loved us, before we loved him
19.) Praise closes the gap when there is distance in our relationship
20.) Without the Bible we would be lost
21.) It's hard, but try to embrace periods of loneliness, after all you're never really alone and it usually means God wants to speak to you personally
22.) Don't be afraid to tell the Lord your desires, fears, or troubles it's ok to admit your frailty to Him, it's often the first step to becoming whole. So get naked. ;)
23.) Humility is key, the Lord prefers clay over stone
24.) Strive to see yourself through God's eyes
25.) Be willing to let go of characteristics that you think make you who you are...they may be imperfections you've accepted that were not included in God's original design
26.) We don't have to be sick, healing is available by faith to all who believe
27.) Serve God's people, be ready and willing to wash the feet of others(i hate feet, but you know what i'm trying to get at here..right?) :)
28.) The only one you must know to rise to the top is Christ.
29.) Life is meant to be lived and enjoyed, not gloomy or limited to the church walls, LIVE. Living for God doesn't mean you cannot wear pants, laugh, dance or try new things
30.) We will be known by our love. Love people. Make a big impression with love- smile, give eye contact, don't be afraid to hug a stranger, listen as long as they need you to, you may save a life...let's defeat suicide. Make everyone feel like they matter, because they do.
31.) If you see someone with a need and feel led by the Holy Spirit to give something away; Do It.
32.) Live righteous, even when nobody is looking. God honors righteous living/thoughts/prayer done in private
33.) Don't be afraid to worship the Lord in front of people...try to forget they are there, it could be your last chance..
34.) We're Human. Sometimes we make mistakes, or say and do things we know aren't right. ASK for forgiveness then move on. Once you've repented, it's forgotten by God and you are wiped clean. There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus, so don't continue to beat yourself up after He's forgiven you. REMEMBER: Don't Judge other people, remember your own sin and Choose to LOVE instead.
35.) When you have nothing, you discover how wealthy you are...watch the Lord provide.
36.) There is no need to fear death
37.) God doesn't need your help, nor does He need your opinion...the same goes with people if they don't ask for your opinion, strive to keep your mouth shut, and to do each task as unto the Lord, obedience honors Him.
38.) Pride comes from insecurity and feelings of entitlement...it will kill you and halt God's plan, ask the Lord to help you conquer it
39.) We represent Christ-Be mindful of how you make Him look...LOVE.
40.) God wants to be involved in EVERY area of your life
41.) Broken people create broken relationships...God offered His best, which was His son Jesus Christ. We should offer our best to each other...you cannot have a successful/ healthy relationship without first being in a successful/ healthy relationship with the Lord.
42.) Don't settle or lower your standards for a potential partner, think of who you belong to, He didn't send His Son for you to have a mediocre relationship. Don't give up on your God given destiny.
43.) If your in a relationship with someone who is not saved nor seeking a relationship with Christ as instructed in the Bible- move on. He or she is a distraction the reward is behind the next door.
44.) Exceed expectations...our Father in heaven does.
45.) If you are in need of a role model or inspiration look at Christ.
Of course I slip and I don't live by what the 45 things above say. But that's what I have learned. I guess right now I can add a 46th lesson I've learned...
46.) Psalm 56:3 - When I'm afraid, I put my trust in You.
At the end of 2010, this verse got me through so much. It also helped recreate a friendship that had always failed before. It's funny to look back and see how two really bad, traumatic events can bring so many people together as One in Christ. So, number 46 is.. When you are afraid, put your trust in Christ; trust me, it helps.
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