Why them and not me?
11/16/09, 9/13/10, 12/23/10, 3/6/11
Hunter was the life of the party, he was the person that could make everyone in a silent room laugh, he was the one who could make anyone smile, he was the one that I could talk to, he was the one that I would run to, he was the one that I could cry in front of, he was the one who would always encourage me and others to give to the less fortunate. He was my first friend in Fort Worth, he was my first kiss, he was my best friend, he was my brother. He was my bug.
Nanny was the only one in the family that was positive through everything, she was always smiling, she was the one who was constantly encouraging, she was the one who would push people to believe in Christ, she was the one to let you eat "bowl down" for breakfast lunch and dinner, she was the one who would let you and all the other cousins slide down the stairs on a blanket, she was the one who would let you play dress up in all her clothes no matter how old you were, she was the one who would wear the "jingle bell" earrings at christmas. She was my Nanny.
Nick was the encourager, he was the one person that I could talk to about anything and not worry about it going to anyone else, he was the only guy that offered to hold my hair when I was sick, he was the one who yelled "my nipples are so hard" while he walked around Colorado without a shirt on, he was the one that would drink 6 energy drinks within ten minutes and ask for another one, he was the one that everyone turned to for help, he was the one that pulled all the ladies. He was one of the best guys at McKinney Memorial Bible Church.
Alexis, Savannah, Tim, Calvin, Vivian, and Nick- they were the ones who would throw all the parties, they were the ones that would be at the parties, they were the ones that you could expect hilarious 4am texts from, they were the lovers and fighters, they were the hard-headed "badasses", they were the ones that could always make someone smile, they were the ones that always knew just how to make me feel better. They were the people that I could always have fun with.
So why couldn't it have been me? I would take their places in a heart beat if I could. I've seen the impact these people have all made on other's lives, and I just wish I could take their pain away. But ever since I lost Hunter, I had always wondered what it would be like if I were gone. What impact would my death have on other people? Would people even care?
Why them, why not me?
Some girls plan their wedding for years, even before meeting that special someone. You, on the other hand, because of the circumstances in your life, think more about your funeral. That's just sad. But I get it. I get that when you go to any event where people talk about how one life impacted another, you wonder what difference you're making in this world. You wonder what people would say about you. You want a glimpse of what only seems to be said when you aren't around.
ReplyDeleteToday you deactivated your FB account. It was creepy. All your wall posts disappeared. All your "likes" and comments were gone. Your picture was empty in the messages we'd written. There was no record of our "friendship". It was like it never happened. And I hated it. I knew why and understood, but I still hated it. There were conversations that couldn't be finished... or retrieved. There were pictures I lost access to... I digress.
What impact would your death have? Ugh. A big one. Who woulda hugged Bailey this morning? Who would make Eron laugh? Who would make my birthday special? Who would teach your brother about generosity with the homeless? Who would encourage upset people with a laugh or a hug or an encouraging word?
You scared the hell outta me a couple of weeks ago, so my brain went places that I'm glad it didn't have to stay. Would I care? Would your death impact me? You have no idea. Honestly. I guess the best word picture I can think of would be a gaping hole where joy once was. You've reminded me to love old people, to be generous with what I have, to play with small children, to not care what other people think, to let the tears go when they surface. You've proven the power of words, of forgiveness, and of a hug. You've changed my mind about wanting a family, shown me how judgmental I am, and broadened my music awareness. ;) You know how much I'm dreading you going off to college. Can you imagine if it was a permanent good-bye? I wouldn't do well. Brokenhearted would be an understatement.
There is much more to say, but I'll save it for another time. You're rushing me and Coming Home is about to get good. haha Why them and not you? Because God still has plans for you here. Your story is still being written. He's not finished with you yet. And neither am I.
LYMNMW