Unreal....
I've been laying here staring at the ceiling all night. It's 4am and I'm not the least bit tired. I hate how this is messing with me. Everytime I close my eyes I see Nick and I just want to reach out and grab him, and then never let go.. He can't be gone...
"What's so special about my age?"
When I'm your age I hope that I am as strong as you are. I may complain constantly about you "not showing your emotions" but I only do that because I wish I could contain my emotions as well as you do. You say it's "unhealthy" but I look at it as it's own emotion all in itself.. That probably doesn't make sense to you, or to anyone else, but it makes sense to me. I see it like this; you're strong, stronger than any other person that I know. You're able to contain your emotions when it's neccessary, and show them (well, some of them) when it's ok. I'm the type of person to hold in every single little thing until I finally break, and then I go into a state of "I hate the world", but you don't do that. You're able to show your emotions in a different way, you're able to do it in a healthier way than I would ever be able to do. I strive to be like you in that way. I strive to make myself stronger by learning from you. I've said it before and I will say it time and time again, you are my role model. You have been since the first month that I got to know you, and you still are now; almost a year since the first day I met you. It's crazy looking at how quickly things have moved since the first day we met. And I couldn't be happier with where we are in our friendship. You're one of the few people that I look up to, and I can say that you are my inspiration to continue striving to be a better person. I thank God for you daily, and I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't met you a year ago.. Who knows what would have happened to me, who knows where I'd be right now.. God obviously put you in my life for a reason, and now you're stuck in it.
So, what's so special about your age? YOU are special about your age.. Even if it is a pretty old age.. ;)
So, what's so special about your age? YOU are special about your age.. Even if it is a pretty old age.. ;)
Shock and Awe..
I once was lost, but now I'm found. Thank you Lord for your amazing grace.
Through the trials the Lord became real. I think that was key to my breakthrough. I learned that God is present even when it seems like He's not. I also learned that not only is He there, but He's preparing to perform a miracle on our behalf.
His circumstances certainly looked like a death situation. A few days went by and he didn't respond, was still in a coma, and I didn't know what was going to happen.. all of this revealed that I needed to learn more about the character of God. Why? Because simply put, its easy to trust someone you know. "Wait on the Lord and be of good courage, He fulfills every promise, whether it comes months or verses later, if He said it, it shall come to pass. The Lord blessed me, what now? SAME THING. I need Him now more than ever, MICHAEL needed Him more than ever, I would be a fool to think I could be ok without him, or that Michael could survive without Him, through the trials I've learned that He is enough and if He never does anything else, He's done enough.
Deuteronomy 4:35-38
Deuteronomy 7
Joshua 1:8-9
1.) Keep the Lord's commandments
2.) Uphold the covenant
3.) Be confident and courageous in the Lord
4.) Take with force the land/property that the Lord has claimed as ours, show no mercy
5.) Do not be afraid, the Lord is with us
Esther Chapters 3-7
1.) Trust the Lord at All times
2.) Do not be silent-Say and Do what the Lord says
3.) Know that traps set by the enemy, will ultimately be their downfall
4.) If fearful, God will appoint someone else to complete His plan, the fearful will perish
5.) Accept the fact that our assignment is larger than we can fathom, it will benefit many
6.) It's selfish to think only about our comfort
7.) Enemies will exalt us, before they fall
Esther 8
1.) The enemy's possessions become mine, what I didn't toil/work for becomes mine
2.) All that God writes about me and says cannot be reversed, it shall come to pass, no man can overturn it
3.) After worship, we depart clean, the way God sees us
4.) The victory isn't just for me, its for others, they will be enticed by the glory of God
Through the trials the Lord became real. I think that was key to my breakthrough. I learned that God is present even when it seems like He's not. I also learned that not only is He there, but He's preparing to perform a miracle on our behalf.
His circumstances certainly looked like a death situation. A few days went by and he didn't respond, was still in a coma, and I didn't know what was going to happen.. all of this revealed that I needed to learn more about the character of God. Why? Because simply put, its easy to trust someone you know. "Wait on the Lord and be of good courage, He fulfills every promise, whether it comes months or verses later, if He said it, it shall come to pass. The Lord blessed me, what now? SAME THING. I need Him now more than ever, MICHAEL needed Him more than ever, I would be a fool to think I could be ok without him, or that Michael could survive without Him, through the trials I've learned that He is enough and if He never does anything else, He's done enough.
Deuteronomy 4:35-38
Deuteronomy 7
Joshua 1:8-9
1.) Keep the Lord's commandments
2.) Uphold the covenant
3.) Be confident and courageous in the Lord
4.) Take with force the land/property that the Lord has claimed as ours, show no mercy
5.) Do not be afraid, the Lord is with us
Esther Chapters 3-7
1.) Trust the Lord at All times
2.) Do not be silent-Say and Do what the Lord says
3.) Know that traps set by the enemy, will ultimately be their downfall
4.) If fearful, God will appoint someone else to complete His plan, the fearful will perish
5.) Accept the fact that our assignment is larger than we can fathom, it will benefit many
6.) It's selfish to think only about our comfort
7.) Enemies will exalt us, before they fall
Esther 8
1.) The enemy's possessions become mine, what I didn't toil/work for becomes mine
2.) All that God writes about me and says cannot be reversed, it shall come to pass, no man can overturn it
3.) After worship, we depart clean, the way God sees us
4.) The victory isn't just for me, its for others, they will be enticed by the glory of God
Bucket list..
As I was about to leave the Baylor Institute for Rehabilitation today, I bent over and said goodbye to Michael.. I grabbed his hand and said, "I love you, buddy! you're doing so good, I'll see you soon." I looked at him and he had a huge grin on his face, like he always had before, and then he let go of my hand; and he hugged me. Right at that moment I realized how true the statement "Our God is Healer" is.
We were there for an hour or so, within that time it was like miracle after miracle. He had his eyes wide open, making eye contact, WRITING!!, playing thumb wars, giving high fives, untying his shoes, and playing catch with balloons.. He made a joke; then laughed at his own joke. He smiled when I smelled his hair, when we were recording him, taking pics, talking about Antoine Dobson, and when we would just say something he thought was funny.
Number 2 of 36 on my bucket list: Witness a miracle.
Number 2 on my bucket list has officially been crossed out.
Thank you, Michael- for everything you've done for me this past year. Whether it was yelling at me to set me straight, listen to me when I complained, or hanging out with me when I just needed a friend.. Without you eaves-dropping on my life story at ski trip, I may have never met you.. SO, thank you for eaves-dropping. You have changed my life and you don't even know it yet. I love you, Michael Ian Batts. You are and always will be one of my best friends. Even when I do ignore you when I'm mad, yell at you when I'm frustrated, or don't talk to you when I'm aggravated; I know I didn't make it obvious how deeply I care about you, but you always knew :) You're a strong guy, we all know that now; I knew it before, but now everyone else can see it too.
Through all of this you have made me stronger. I now know that miracles are real, they CAN happen, and they DO happen. Your story is going to be so amazing when this is all over with, and with the progress that you've been making; It looks like you'll be able to tell your story pretty darn soon. You've spoken to so many people through this without even saying a word, and THAT is amazing. <3
We were there for an hour or so, within that time it was like miracle after miracle. He had his eyes wide open, making eye contact, WRITING!!, playing thumb wars, giving high fives, untying his shoes, and playing catch with balloons.. He made a joke; then laughed at his own joke. He smiled when I smelled his hair, when we were recording him, taking pics, talking about Antoine Dobson, and when we would just say something he thought was funny.
Number 2 of 36 on my bucket list: Witness a miracle.
Number 2 on my bucket list has officially been crossed out.
Thank you, Michael- for everything you've done for me this past year. Whether it was yelling at me to set me straight, listen to me when I complained, or hanging out with me when I just needed a friend.. Without you eaves-dropping on my life story at ski trip, I may have never met you.. SO, thank you for eaves-dropping. You have changed my life and you don't even know it yet. I love you, Michael Ian Batts. You are and always will be one of my best friends. Even when I do ignore you when I'm mad, yell at you when I'm frustrated, or don't talk to you when I'm aggravated; I know I didn't make it obvious how deeply I care about you, but you always knew :) You're a strong guy, we all know that now; I knew it before, but now everyone else can see it too.
Through all of this you have made me stronger. I now know that miracles are real, they CAN happen, and they DO happen. Your story is going to be so amazing when this is all over with, and with the progress that you've been making; It looks like you'll be able to tell your story pretty darn soon. You've spoken to so many people through this without even saying a word, and THAT is amazing. <3
Thanksgiving fail..
These past three days with my family have not gone how I expected them too. Our Thanksgiving didn't even seem like a thanksgiving. Every year we've gone to Nanny's, everyone hung around in the kitchen while Nanny and Mimi cooked and we would all chip in a helping hand. Papa would lose his shirt, yell about the door being open, and then tell ongoing stories about the most pointless yet interesting things. The little ones would beg to go on the golf cart, and Peepaw would set up a tent and camp out in the cold.. But this year was different. There was no Nanny, no Papa, no slaving in the kitchen, no pointless stories, no golf cart.. Of course, Peepaw slept outside still.. But, this year our thanksgiving was in Austin, not Killeen. It was just, dull.. Everything a thanksgiving shouldn't be.. If you were a friend that came over to "enjoy" it with us, you'd say it was anything but dull, but I think we'd all agree that our holidays will never be the same without Nanny; they'll just be dull..
Thanksgiving day we went to the A&M/UT football game. (gig em). So we had our thanksgiving on Friday instead.. Which Nanny would have been completely against. But we did it anyway..
But even if that was the situation, with Nanny here it all would have been so much different. I just know it. I hate this.
And now, I'm laying here. I can't sleep, I'm watching miss congenitality one and two. Doing anything to find a laugh. And then I hear screaming and crying from my cousins room. Scared the hell out of me. Ran in there and all I could hear my baby cousin saying through her tears and her fear was, "I want my Nanny"... I could not take it. I gave her my Timmy (comfort pillow) kissed her head, tucked her in, and walked out. She stopped crying just as soon as I started crying..
I've never missed someone more than I miss my Nanny. I've never had to deal with something like this in a healthy way and I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm weak. I'm broken. I'm hurting. And I'm about to hit rock bottom. I miss you, Nanny. I miss your smile, your laugh, your sense of humor, your scarves, your soft little jackets, your hugs, your voice; everything. I love you, Nanny.....
Ps. 56:3
Thanksgiving day we went to the A&M/UT football game. (gig em). So we had our thanksgiving on Friday instead.. Which Nanny would have been completely against. But we did it anyway..
But even if that was the situation, with Nanny here it all would have been so much different. I just know it. I hate this.
And now, I'm laying here. I can't sleep, I'm watching miss congenitality one and two. Doing anything to find a laugh. And then I hear screaming and crying from my cousins room. Scared the hell out of me. Ran in there and all I could hear my baby cousin saying through her tears and her fear was, "I want my Nanny"... I could not take it. I gave her my Timmy (comfort pillow) kissed her head, tucked her in, and walked out. She stopped crying just as soon as I started crying..
I've never missed someone more than I miss my Nanny. I've never had to deal with something like this in a healthy way and I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm weak. I'm broken. I'm hurting. And I'm about to hit rock bottom. I miss you, Nanny. I miss your smile, your laugh, your sense of humor, your scarves, your soft little jackets, your hugs, your voice; everything. I love you, Nanny.....
Ps. 56:3
Dear Nanny..
Hey Nan, it's our first thanksgiving without you and I can't even begin to explain how weird it is. I think it's finally hit us all that you're really gone now.. It sucks but we know you're in a much better place.. We miss you a lot, I know you know this. I just wish you could be here with us. Abby's getting so big now, she's beautiful.. Gage is still his awkward little self, but he's breaking his shell. Brody, well, he's still irritating. I made the fruit salad yesterday, it was weird not hearing "now you watch your fingers, we don't wanna take a trip to the hospital on a holiday, the streets are too busy for traveling" hahah, and I didn't cut off a finger.. Just sayin. ;) well, Christmas is next and I'm sure that'll be ten times harder. Someone's gotta wear those huge earrings shaped like Christmas bells like you used to.. I love you and I miss you so much, Nanny. See ya <3
Through it all..
He redeemed my soul from going down to the pit, and I will live to enjoy the light
For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee
Dear Lord Jesus,
Thank you
You saved me
You never disappoint me
You always have time for me
You only desire the best for me
and I'm always on Your mind
There is no greater love than this
Your everything to me
I need You at All times
Help me to hear You when life gets too loud
Help me to see You when the path gets dark
Help me to feel your presence when I'm all alone
and Lord please help me to remember that You are More than enough
and All that you say about me is true and will manifest
Lord give me the wisdom to avoid the tricks and traps of the enemy
You said, you would pull me from the pit and set my feet upon a rock
to then establish me..I believe it.
My eyes are on you...I'm waiting.
For you, from me.
In your precious name I pray and give thanks, Amen.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand
For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee
Dear Lord Jesus,
Thank you
You saved me
You never disappoint me
You always have time for me
You only desire the best for me
and I'm always on Your mind
There is no greater love than this
Your everything to me
I need You at All times
Help me to hear You when life gets too loud
Help me to see You when the path gets dark
Help me to feel your presence when I'm all alone
and Lord please help me to remember that You are More than enough
and All that you say about me is true and will manifest
Lord give me the wisdom to avoid the tricks and traps of the enemy
You said, you would pull me from the pit and set my feet upon a rock
to then establish me..I believe it.
My eyes are on you...I'm waiting.
For you, from me.
In your precious name I pray and give thanks, Amen.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand
It's not dead
It doesn't matter how bad the situation looks or how bad it stinks, it's not dead.
We've been praying, crying, and waiting and at some moments we've been wondering where God is.. He's there in the midst of this situation, feeling our pain, and interceding on our behalf. He's about to perform a miracle for you; He HAS performed a miracle, for US. Never forget that we serve a God who is never too far off that He does not feel our pain. Why does He seem delayed? Because the miracle is for you, but its not all about you. Those who witness God's blessing on your life, will believe too. We have to learn how to be selfless in our suffering, because all around we have unbelievers watching us. We have to keep our faith and remember that God ALWAYS fulfills His promises. Now, we wait on the Lord..
We've been praying, crying, and waiting and at some moments we've been wondering where God is.. He's there in the midst of this situation, feeling our pain, and interceding on our behalf. He's about to perform a miracle for you; He HAS performed a miracle, for US. Never forget that we serve a God who is never too far off that He does not feel our pain. Why does He seem delayed? Because the miracle is for you, but its not all about you. Those who witness God's blessing on your life, will believe too. We have to learn how to be selfless in our suffering, because all around we have unbelievers watching us. We have to keep our faith and remember that God ALWAYS fulfills His promises. Now, we wait on the Lord..
1 year.
Time flies when things are changing - that's what a friend told me today, the one year anniversary of my best friend's death.
I expected today to be one of the hardest days ever, I expected to be absolutely miserable. I didn't go to school, but I'm sure I could have handled it if I would have gone. I didn't really talk to anyone, but I'm sure I could have if I would have had more confidence in myself. I spent my entire day with one of my closest friends, although that didn't take my mind off it at all; it helped. and then I went to the hospital, which a lot of people thought would make me worse and make my day hell.. But it only made it better.
We got there and literally no less than 5 minutes after we got inside, the two people that were back there with Michael came out with huge smiles on their faces, telling us how Michael had opened his eyes completely and gave them a HUGE "Michael smile." It made my heart happy.
When Ashley and I went back, we didn't expect him to do much for us since he was tired. But we forgot to expect the unexpected.. He was high fiving us like crazy, sticking his tongue out and licking his lips, and when I told him we were leaving he wouldn't let go of my hand. It took me and his mom at least 5 minutes to get him to let go; of course I didn't want to let go, but he had other guests waiting for him. Hahah.
Michael made my day better than I expected it to be; Michael has given me hope. The hope that I've needed to get by, the hope that I've needed to be strong again, the hope that I've needed to be confident and faithful again, the kind of hope that has brought me back to God.. Michael is changing our lives through this storm, and when he wakes up from all of this; he will have one heck of an amazing story to tell :)
"How could I stand here and not be moved by YOU?"
Of course I miss Hunter more than anything, and I'd give up everything to have him back with me. But Michael has shown me how to stay strong through anything and everything, and if he can get through this; then I can get through it all.
Always expect the unexpected
I expected today to be one of the hardest days ever, I expected to be absolutely miserable. I didn't go to school, but I'm sure I could have handled it if I would have gone. I didn't really talk to anyone, but I'm sure I could have if I would have had more confidence in myself. I spent my entire day with one of my closest friends, although that didn't take my mind off it at all; it helped. and then I went to the hospital, which a lot of people thought would make me worse and make my day hell.. But it only made it better.
We got there and literally no less than 5 minutes after we got inside, the two people that were back there with Michael came out with huge smiles on their faces, telling us how Michael had opened his eyes completely and gave them a HUGE "Michael smile." It made my heart happy.
When Ashley and I went back, we didn't expect him to do much for us since he was tired. But we forgot to expect the unexpected.. He was high fiving us like crazy, sticking his tongue out and licking his lips, and when I told him we were leaving he wouldn't let go of my hand. It took me and his mom at least 5 minutes to get him to let go; of course I didn't want to let go, but he had other guests waiting for him. Hahah.
Michael made my day better than I expected it to be; Michael has given me hope. The hope that I've needed to get by, the hope that I've needed to be strong again, the hope that I've needed to be confident and faithful again, the kind of hope that has brought me back to God.. Michael is changing our lives through this storm, and when he wakes up from all of this; he will have one heck of an amazing story to tell :)
"How could I stand here and not be moved by YOU?"
Of course I miss Hunter more than anything, and I'd give up everything to have him back with me. But Michael has shown me how to stay strong through anything and everything, and if he can get through this; then I can get through it all.
Always expect the unexpected
It's crazy, ya know..
9 days ago life was average.
8 days ago one of my closest friends was in a car accident that many thought would be fatal.
7 days ago that friend was taken off of life support, and he was still living.
6 days ago that same friend was only on a breathing machine, which was just helpin' him out a bit.
5 days ago he started moving around and responding to commands like "squeeze my hand", and "raise your arm"
4 days ago he was taken completely off of the things that were helping him breathe, and he was doing it all on his own, he held my hand, and shooshed me and a friend as we were singing to him. :)
3 days ago he continued making major progress.
2 days ago things started to go downhill..
And yesterday, things got worse. His fever was up dangerously high, along with his heart rate. He wasn't moving much at all, and they found an infection in his central line and they planned to do a procedure today to insert a feeding tube.
Today they were unable to do the procedure because of the infection. He played thumb wars with our youth leader. His fever and heart rate stayed in a stable place. And he was moving around, a lot.
BUT, through all of this. He has been in a coma. Crazy, right? A boy in a coma is responding to commands, shooshing us while we sing to him, doing sign language, and playing thumb wars with our youth leader..
Before last Sunday, my passion for God had faded. I had no desire to read the Bible, or even encourage others to believe. I was not believing. My faith had faded so much over the past couple months.. And last Sunday, all of that faith suddenly came back to me. I realized that my friend was still alive, and that was only by the Grace of God.
On Wednesday night I broke. Everything caught up to me all at once and I could do nothing but cry. And that's exactly what I did. I looked around me and there were others in tears as well. Then, I realized that THIS is what reality looks like. Through the majority of the struggles that I've gone through, I've numbed my pain.. And now I realize that feeling pain isn't so much a bad thing. Towards the end of the night, I saw one of the strongest men that I know break down in tears while reading me Psalm 56.3, "When I'm afraid, I put my trust in YOU" and that's what I've begun doing. I'm scared, terrified actually, we all are, but I know that this IS God's will. Everything good and everything bad is all in God's plan for us. Expect the unexpected is also something that I've learned to live by this past week. And, miracles CAN happen; and I've witnessed a mircale happening in one of the most amazing boys I've ever met in my life.
I now believe more than I ever have that God is all we need. He is our Salvation. He is Healer, He is stronger, He is greater, He is awesome in power, He is higher than any other.. HE. IS. GOD. and HE. IS. GOOD!
Dear Lord Jesus,
I'm chasing after you, I want your heart
Thank you for your unconditional love
I praise you because you are not a God of coincidence
Everything happens for a reason and no matter what it looks like its always for my good!
Thank you for the times I felt like I was going to faint
Thank you for carrying me when I did
Thank you for Your correction that pulls me from destruction every time I lose my way
Thank you for being a faithful God who supplies needs, opens doors, answers prayers, and forgives before I can say Amen
Lord, please remove anyone/thing that competes with my relationship with You
Forgive me for foolishly seeking fulfillment outside of you
Thank you for showing me how frail I am, while assuring me of how strong I can be, if I stay faithful to my covenant relationship with You
You know I desire to walk in total obedience to Your will
Please guide me, and hold my hand, as I enter into a new life
Thank you Jesus, I can finally see the sun and feel its warmth on my skin
In the precious name of Jesus I pray, Amen.
8 days ago one of my closest friends was in a car accident that many thought would be fatal.
7 days ago that friend was taken off of life support, and he was still living.
6 days ago that same friend was only on a breathing machine, which was just helpin' him out a bit.
5 days ago he started moving around and responding to commands like "squeeze my hand", and "raise your arm"
4 days ago he was taken completely off of the things that were helping him breathe, and he was doing it all on his own, he held my hand, and shooshed me and a friend as we were singing to him. :)
3 days ago he continued making major progress.
2 days ago things started to go downhill..
And yesterday, things got worse. His fever was up dangerously high, along with his heart rate. He wasn't moving much at all, and they found an infection in his central line and they planned to do a procedure today to insert a feeding tube.
Today they were unable to do the procedure because of the infection. He played thumb wars with our youth leader. His fever and heart rate stayed in a stable place. And he was moving around, a lot.
BUT, through all of this. He has been in a coma. Crazy, right? A boy in a coma is responding to commands, shooshing us while we sing to him, doing sign language, and playing thumb wars with our youth leader..
Before last Sunday, my passion for God had faded. I had no desire to read the Bible, or even encourage others to believe. I was not believing. My faith had faded so much over the past couple months.. And last Sunday, all of that faith suddenly came back to me. I realized that my friend was still alive, and that was only by the Grace of God.
On Wednesday night I broke. Everything caught up to me all at once and I could do nothing but cry. And that's exactly what I did. I looked around me and there were others in tears as well. Then, I realized that THIS is what reality looks like. Through the majority of the struggles that I've gone through, I've numbed my pain.. And now I realize that feeling pain isn't so much a bad thing. Towards the end of the night, I saw one of the strongest men that I know break down in tears while reading me Psalm 56.3, "When I'm afraid, I put my trust in YOU" and that's what I've begun doing. I'm scared, terrified actually, we all are, but I know that this IS God's will. Everything good and everything bad is all in God's plan for us. Expect the unexpected is also something that I've learned to live by this past week. And, miracles CAN happen; and I've witnessed a mircale happening in one of the most amazing boys I've ever met in my life.
I now believe more than I ever have that God is all we need. He is our Salvation. He is Healer, He is stronger, He is greater, He is awesome in power, He is higher than any other.. HE. IS. GOD. and HE. IS. GOOD!
Dear Lord Jesus,
I'm chasing after you, I want your heart
Thank you for your unconditional love
I praise you because you are not a God of coincidence
Everything happens for a reason and no matter what it looks like its always for my good!
Thank you for the times I felt like I was going to faint
Thank you for carrying me when I did
Thank you for Your correction that pulls me from destruction every time I lose my way
Thank you for being a faithful God who supplies needs, opens doors, answers prayers, and forgives before I can say Amen
Lord, please remove anyone/thing that competes with my relationship with You
Forgive me for foolishly seeking fulfillment outside of you
Thank you for showing me how frail I am, while assuring me of how strong I can be, if I stay faithful to my covenant relationship with You
You know I desire to walk in total obedience to Your will
Please guide me, and hold my hand, as I enter into a new life
Thank you Jesus, I can finally see the sun and feel its warmth on my skin
In the precious name of Jesus I pray, Amen.
Jesus Spam.
I'm not so into Jesus spam. I'm not sure Jesus would be. There is a difference between "unashamed" and obnoxious. I am not totally sure all the time where those lines are, but I don't want anywhere near them. I am pretty sure that anyone who knows me (christ-followers and not) would tell you that my faith is very real and important to me, but I am just not into using my fb - or my life for that matter - as a platform to "preach". I don't like shoving my faith in people's faces. I don't think Jesus did that - shove himself on people. He just had real relationships with people, and those people were deeply and irrevocably altered by him. That's my experience with Jesus.
Jesus paid it all. All to Him I owe. Sin had left a crimson stain. He washed it white as snow.
Jesus paid it all. All to Him I owe. Sin had left a crimson stain. He washed it white as snow.
....
My initial reaction to certain questions/oppurtunities is a "YES", but when I think about it for a quick second that reaction turns into a "NO." Why don't I ALWAYS let myself think for that quick second before acting on my initial reaction??
Sometimes I think, if I didn't go on Winter Retreat in 2009, I could have found God somewhere else? Or... If I didn't go on Winter Retreat, I could still be using every single day. Or... If I didn't go on Winter Retreat, maybe I would have just gotten tired of always being in a different, sometimes scary, state of mind.. In that "messed up" state of mind, or "under the influence" is a better way to put it. Maybe I would have gotten tired of it and just quit?.. But, I know that it was for my best interest to go, because it was the best thing that has ever happened to me..
The bad thing is that sometimes I wish I wouldn't have gone. Sometimes I wish that I would have just stayed home and lived my life how I wanted to, and it makes me wonder how my life would be now. It would probably be somewhat like how today was...other than the (normal for me) guilt feeling that sinks in after a few hours. I think I would skip class and go smoke with a friend. I think that what happened today would be a daily routine, but I wouldn't have the strong feelings of guilt and regret.
I don't know how to deal with pain. That's the problem. I spend my whole morning crying (yes, in front of people..weird) because I'm so hurt and I just can't believe what some people say to tear other people down and what some people make up to try and make themselves feel better. And then an old friend says, "hey, you wanna leave for this period", I follow that initial reaction and don't think about it, I jump right on it, knowing exactly what is going to happen when we leave, I follow right along.. I try to cover up my pain/feelings/hurt by killing it off with what is only a temporary relief.
I don't know how I'm going to get through this next month, if I couldn't even make it through one day. I don't know where I am in my walk with God anymore. I don't know where my emotions are. I don't know how many more tears I can cry before I completely break. I don't know how many more people I can disappoint before they all just give up on me. I don't know what to do. I don't know who I am.
Sometimes I think, if I didn't go on Winter Retreat in 2009, I could have found God somewhere else? Or... If I didn't go on Winter Retreat, I could still be using every single day. Or... If I didn't go on Winter Retreat, maybe I would have just gotten tired of always being in a different, sometimes scary, state of mind.. In that "messed up" state of mind, or "under the influence" is a better way to put it. Maybe I would have gotten tired of it and just quit?.. But, I know that it was for my best interest to go, because it was the best thing that has ever happened to me..
The bad thing is that sometimes I wish I wouldn't have gone. Sometimes I wish that I would have just stayed home and lived my life how I wanted to, and it makes me wonder how my life would be now. It would probably be somewhat like how today was...other than the (normal for me) guilt feeling that sinks in after a few hours. I think I would skip class and go smoke with a friend. I think that what happened today would be a daily routine, but I wouldn't have the strong feelings of guilt and regret.
I don't know how to deal with pain. That's the problem. I spend my whole morning crying (yes, in front of people..weird) because I'm so hurt and I just can't believe what some people say to tear other people down and what some people make up to try and make themselves feel better. And then an old friend says, "hey, you wanna leave for this period", I follow that initial reaction and don't think about it, I jump right on it, knowing exactly what is going to happen when we leave, I follow right along.. I try to cover up my pain/feelings/hurt by killing it off with what is only a temporary relief.
I don't know how I'm going to get through this next month, if I couldn't even make it through one day. I don't know where I am in my walk with God anymore. I don't know where my emotions are. I don't know how many more tears I can cry before I completely break. I don't know how many more people I can disappoint before they all just give up on me. I don't know what to do. I don't know who I am.
Suicide.
There are two ways to lose your mind.. The most familiar state of mind loss is the frightening separation from reality. Mind loss is usually caused by overwhelming circumstances, lack of faith and a loser mentality. It is best described as mind split.. A year ago, a friend of mine jumped out of a building as a suicide attempt, but he survived. His only injury was two broken legs. My friend said that he is now certain that God has a purpose for him and he would dedicate his life to finding and living it rather than trying to kill it off..
My friend then told me a story about a young man who wanted to be successful. He was told to meet a man at a lake, that man would be his mentor. The mentor sat on a boat in the water and told the young man to walk into the water, the young man not knowing how to swim did as he was told and found himself under the water. When he was pulled up, the mentor asked him what he wanted to do more than anything while he was under, the young man said, "I wanted to breathe"...then it hit me...
I was drowning in worry and more than anything I wanted comfort. I had to confess and repent to God, because worry means I wasn't totally trusting and depending on God. My spirit was saying, "All things are possible in Christ" while my flesh was saying, "Why?, How?, When?, Who?"
"Moreover let us exult and triumph in troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance. And endurance develops maturity of character And character produces joyful and confident hope of eternal salvation".
Honestly, learning how to rejoice in suffering is the last thing I want to do. But I know comfort is most present when we are in agreement with God's wisdom. Therefore, I'm called to stop questioning Him. I'm also called to release ownership of my situation.
The truth is, we don't deserve anything, we are not above adversity. our deeds don't give us merit, we are saved by grace. We are called to carry out the life of Christ within our bodies, we must follow Christ's example.
When we can swallow that pill, the infection of worry will heal. But, don't swallow the pill until after you lose your mind. I'm not talking about the loss that leads to suicide. I'm talking about the kind of mind loss found in God's word, it says to let the mind of Christ also be in us. This process represents a dissolution, where we submit our thoughts, hopes, and desires for His thoughts, hopes, and desires....I'm now called to lose my mind in exchange for His.
Jesus committed suicide, so we would never have to. He died for all of us..so we all should dedicate our lives to finding and living the purpose He ordained.
Hebrews 12: 2-3 "Looking away to Jesus, Who is the Leader and the Source of our faith and is also its Finisher. He, for the joy that was set before Him. endured the cross, despising and ignoring the shame, and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Just think of Him Who endured from sinners such grievous opposition and bitter hostility against Himself so that you may not grow weary or exhausted, losing heart and relaxing and fainting in your MINDS."
My friend then told me a story about a young man who wanted to be successful. He was told to meet a man at a lake, that man would be his mentor. The mentor sat on a boat in the water and told the young man to walk into the water, the young man not knowing how to swim did as he was told and found himself under the water. When he was pulled up, the mentor asked him what he wanted to do more than anything while he was under, the young man said, "I wanted to breathe"...then it hit me...
I was drowning in worry and more than anything I wanted comfort. I had to confess and repent to God, because worry means I wasn't totally trusting and depending on God. My spirit was saying, "All things are possible in Christ" while my flesh was saying, "Why?, How?, When?, Who?"
"Moreover let us exult and triumph in troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance. And endurance develops maturity of character And character produces joyful and confident hope of eternal salvation".
Honestly, learning how to rejoice in suffering is the last thing I want to do. But I know comfort is most present when we are in agreement with God's wisdom. Therefore, I'm called to stop questioning Him. I'm also called to release ownership of my situation.
The truth is, we don't deserve anything, we are not above adversity. our deeds don't give us merit, we are saved by grace. We are called to carry out the life of Christ within our bodies, we must follow Christ's example.
When we can swallow that pill, the infection of worry will heal. But, don't swallow the pill until after you lose your mind. I'm not talking about the loss that leads to suicide. I'm talking about the kind of mind loss found in God's word, it says to let the mind of Christ also be in us. This process represents a dissolution, where we submit our thoughts, hopes, and desires for His thoughts, hopes, and desires....I'm now called to lose my mind in exchange for His.
Jesus committed suicide, so we would never have to. He died for all of us..so we all should dedicate our lives to finding and living the purpose He ordained.
Hebrews 12: 2-3 "Looking away to Jesus, Who is the Leader and the Source of our faith and is also its Finisher. He, for the joy that was set before Him. endured the cross, despising and ignoring the shame, and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Just think of Him Who endured from sinners such grievous opposition and bitter hostility against Himself so that you may not grow weary or exhausted, losing heart and relaxing and fainting in your MINDS."
Doubt.
The LORD reigns forever; he has established his throne for judgment.
He will judge the world in righteousness; he will govern the peoples with justice.
The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.
Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you. Psalms 9:7-10
How much do you trust God? Before answering, consider this.. Do you really trust the Lord when everything seems out of control and He appears absent? What about when He's called you to move in a certain direction that seems risky? And when painful circumstances continue, making you wonder if the Lord really cares?
We all have times of doubt when our expectations of God are dashed by the reality of our situation. Many of us want to trust Him but aren't sure how to do so. "Distance in our relationship with Him results in a lack of faith, but those who are intimately acquainted with Christ find it easier to Him wholeheartedly."
These are my thoughts when tempted to doubt..
1.) He is completely sovereign- God has everything in His control even when we can't perceive it.
2.) He is infinitely wise- The Lord knows every side of the situation inside and out and every event (past, present and future)
3.) He loves perfectly- Without exception, He always chooses what is best for us, even if it's not easy.
We grow in faith, not by trying harder to believe but, rather by pursuing the Lord. Then our trust in Him will grow as we learn that He never forsakes those who seek Him.
He will judge the world in righteousness; he will govern the peoples with justice.
The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.
Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you. Psalms 9:7-10
How much do you trust God? Before answering, consider this.. Do you really trust the Lord when everything seems out of control and He appears absent? What about when He's called you to move in a certain direction that seems risky? And when painful circumstances continue, making you wonder if the Lord really cares?
We all have times of doubt when our expectations of God are dashed by the reality of our situation. Many of us want to trust Him but aren't sure how to do so. "Distance in our relationship with Him results in a lack of faith, but those who are intimately acquainted with Christ find it easier to Him wholeheartedly."
These are my thoughts when tempted to doubt..
1.) He is completely sovereign- God has everything in His control even when we can't perceive it.
2.) He is infinitely wise- The Lord knows every side of the situation inside and out and every event (past, present and future)
3.) He loves perfectly- Without exception, He always chooses what is best for us, even if it's not easy.
We grow in faith, not by trying harder to believe but, rather by pursuing the Lord. Then our trust in Him will grow as we learn that He never forsakes those who seek Him.
Captured.
Job 33:28 (NIV)
He redeemed my soul from going down to the pit, and I will live to enjoy the light
Dear Lord,
Thank you
You saved me
You never disappoint me
You always have time for me
You only desire the best for me
and I'm always on Your mind
There is no greater love than this
Your everything to me
I need You at All times
Help me to hear You when life gets too loud
Help me to see You when the path gets dark
Help me to feel Your presence when I'm all alone
and Lord please help me to remember that You are More than enough
and all that You say about me is true and will manifest
Lord give me the wisdom to avoid the tricks and traps of the enemy
You said, You would pull me from the pit and set my feet upon a rock
to then establish me..I believe it.
My eyes are on you...I'm waiting.
For you, from me.
In your precious name I pray, Amen.
Psalm 40:2 (NIV)
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He redeemed my soul from going down to the pit, and I will live to enjoy the light
Dear Lord,
Thank you
You saved me
You never disappoint me
You always have time for me
You only desire the best for me
and I'm always on Your mind
There is no greater love than this
Your everything to me
I need You at All times
Help me to hear You when life gets too loud
Help me to see You when the path gets dark
Help me to feel Your presence when I'm all alone
and Lord please help me to remember that You are More than enough
and all that You say about me is true and will manifest
Lord give me the wisdom to avoid the tricks and traps of the enemy
You said, You would pull me from the pit and set my feet upon a rock
to then establish me..I believe it.
My eyes are on you...I'm waiting.
For you, from me.
In your precious name I pray, Amen.
Psalm 40:2 (NIV)
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
"Perfection?"
There was a great conflict going on inside of me:
I was trying too hard. Trying so hard to be "perfect" for everyone else, and for Him. Therefore my existence was empty and mechanical. How did this happen? I was doing the "right" things on the outside, but I was screaming on the inside. I lived in a little "perfect" box where there was hardly enough room to turn around. I alienated people. I set myself apart from others, even the closest people. Instead of spending time with them, I would spend the time alone trying to make sure that I was doing what was "right" in the eyes of others and trying to perfect everything I did so that I wouldn't disappoint anyone. My life lacked balance. It was be perfect, don't say that, don't do this, watch your step, don't wear that, don't listen to that all the time. All of this was a culmination of teachings I picked up throughout my childhood, watching as my mom would try to be "perfect" for my dad, and how my peepaw would try to make my mimi look "perfect" when she was a drunken alcoholic before AA. In my attempt to be like everyone wanted me to be, I actually got further from them and my relationship with Him was quickly fading. Jesus was always available to the people, they could always touch Him and in Hebrews 4:15-16 it says He is not so far off that He cannot feel our pain. So what was I thinking? I remember telling the Lord that living to please Him and others was too hard. He kindly told me, that I made it that way and He was right, it was my fault.
Then the light came on.
In Matthew 11:28-30 Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
I realized I don't have to do anything but love God and live, He will take care of the rest. My relationship with Him is designed to be custom for who I am and where I am, not who other people want me to be and where others want me to be; meaning He loves me and will always meet me where I am. This means I don't have to try, I only have to "BE". He will perfect me, and since He is at work in me there can be peace where conflict used to be.
I don't have to be so hard on myself and I'm so glad that God is merciful and quick to forgive.
If I stumble, I can confess, repent and keep going. I think this is the greatest lesson I have ever learned. Now that the burden of a boxed life has been lifted, I can fly
I was trying too hard. Trying so hard to be "perfect" for everyone else, and for Him. Therefore my existence was empty and mechanical. How did this happen? I was doing the "right" things on the outside, but I was screaming on the inside. I lived in a little "perfect" box where there was hardly enough room to turn around. I alienated people. I set myself apart from others, even the closest people. Instead of spending time with them, I would spend the time alone trying to make sure that I was doing what was "right" in the eyes of others and trying to perfect everything I did so that I wouldn't disappoint anyone. My life lacked balance. It was be perfect, don't say that, don't do this, watch your step, don't wear that, don't listen to that all the time. All of this was a culmination of teachings I picked up throughout my childhood, watching as my mom would try to be "perfect" for my dad, and how my peepaw would try to make my mimi look "perfect" when she was a drunken alcoholic before AA. In my attempt to be like everyone wanted me to be, I actually got further from them and my relationship with Him was quickly fading. Jesus was always available to the people, they could always touch Him and in Hebrews 4:15-16 it says He is not so far off that He cannot feel our pain. So what was I thinking? I remember telling the Lord that living to please Him and others was too hard. He kindly told me, that I made it that way and He was right, it was my fault.
Then the light came on.
In Matthew 11:28-30 Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
I realized I don't have to do anything but love God and live, He will take care of the rest. My relationship with Him is designed to be custom for who I am and where I am, not who other people want me to be and where others want me to be; meaning He loves me and will always meet me where I am. This means I don't have to try, I only have to "BE". He will perfect me, and since He is at work in me there can be peace where conflict used to be.
I don't have to be so hard on myself and I'm so glad that God is merciful and quick to forgive.
If I stumble, I can confess, repent and keep going. I think this is the greatest lesson I have ever learned. Now that the burden of a boxed life has been lifted, I can fly
Behind the music?
You know how you can hear a song 30 times, but notice something different the 31st time? Well that happened to me today. The part of the song that really clanged in my ears was "BUT IF", this BUT IF acknowledges that God is able to pull us through any trial, however, it also acknowledges His sovereign authority to allow the storm to rage.
Then I felt like the Lord's question to me was, "Are you willing to trust Me, EVEN when it feels and looks like you're drowning?"
I had to pause right there. My first thought was.....How could I not feel betrayed if you allowed me to drown? I don't have an answer, but I'm working on it..
Have you ever heard from God, set off to do the very thing He asked, but along the way you were met with obstacles and hardships from every direction? If you've been there, you know it's an extremely lonely and frustrating time. But, I'm going to tell you, what I tell myself (in the midst of my tears) "God is not surprised by the opposition, He's prepared for a time such as this, and the only reason why your faith, tears, worship, prayers, and sowing seems to be in vain, is because the enemy knows God is about to bless you with your destiny and he can't stand it. A child of God in right standing with the Father is a threat to the enemy. For that very reason the enemy is trying to take you out of your God given race. The enemy will attack you: mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Therefore, let your mind be renewed, guard your heart, and read the word of God for ammunition".
The only thing that qualifies me to speak about the Lord is the fact that I'm saved, filled with the Holy Spirit and maintain a personal relationship with Him.
I'm a sinner saved by grace and growing in the Lord.
Though the storms keep on raging in my life
And sometimes it's hard to tell the night from day
Still that hope that lies within is reassured as I keep my eyes upon the distant shore
I know He'll lead me safely to that blessed place He has prepared
But if the storm don't cease and if the winds keep on blowing in my life
My soul has been anchored in the Lord.
I realize that sometimes, in this life, we're gonna be tossed be the waves and the currents that seem so fierce
But in the Word of God I've got an anchor, oh yes I have, and keeps me steadfast, unmoveable, despite the tide
But if the storm don't cease and if the winds keep on blowing in my life
My soul has been anchored in the Lord
Then I felt like the Lord's question to me was, "Are you willing to trust Me, EVEN when it feels and looks like you're drowning?"
I had to pause right there. My first thought was.....How could I not feel betrayed if you allowed me to drown? I don't have an answer, but I'm working on it..
Have you ever heard from God, set off to do the very thing He asked, but along the way you were met with obstacles and hardships from every direction? If you've been there, you know it's an extremely lonely and frustrating time. But, I'm going to tell you, what I tell myself (in the midst of my tears) "God is not surprised by the opposition, He's prepared for a time such as this, and the only reason why your faith, tears, worship, prayers, and sowing seems to be in vain, is because the enemy knows God is about to bless you with your destiny and he can't stand it. A child of God in right standing with the Father is a threat to the enemy. For that very reason the enemy is trying to take you out of your God given race. The enemy will attack you: mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Therefore, let your mind be renewed, guard your heart, and read the word of God for ammunition".
The only thing that qualifies me to speak about the Lord is the fact that I'm saved, filled with the Holy Spirit and maintain a personal relationship with Him.
I'm a sinner saved by grace and growing in the Lord.
Though the storms keep on raging in my life
And sometimes it's hard to tell the night from day
Still that hope that lies within is reassured as I keep my eyes upon the distant shore
I know He'll lead me safely to that blessed place He has prepared
But if the storm don't cease and if the winds keep on blowing in my life
My soul has been anchored in the Lord.
I realize that sometimes, in this life, we're gonna be tossed be the waves and the currents that seem so fierce
But in the Word of God I've got an anchor, oh yes I have, and keeps me steadfast, unmoveable, despite the tide
But if the storm don't cease and if the winds keep on blowing in my life
My soul has been anchored in the Lord
Tears.
Too many goodbyes for me within the past month. Hatin' it a lot. But I know God has a plan for everyone who has gone, and He took the one's who have left for good for a reason. Right? I'm really bad at this whole goodbye thing.. but someone told me today "You know this isn't goodbye.." and that surprisingly made me feel a lot worse.. ha. It's scary, cause that was the last thing my nanny said to me before she died. I know that he's not dying, I'm just scared that we'll drift apart more than we already have, idk..just scares me. He literally knows EVERYTHING about my life, everything.. I hate goodbyes..
Ever wondered what your last words would be?
Something cliche or a simple "I love you."
Hunter- "it's a long story. I love you though"
Nanny- "I love you. I'll be seeing you."
Derek- "I want help like you got help kae. I love you."
Shelbie- "you hate me but I love you"
Katy- "have a good life kae."
Alex- "I miss you sissy!"
There's a pattern of "love" in these last words. I could go on with a few more people but they all end with "can I buy some from you?" or "what the hell is happening? I can't see straight" ha.
Weird seeing how different it all is with different people (not).
Hunter- "it's a long story. I love you though"
Nanny- "I love you. I'll be seeing you."
Derek- "I want help like you got help kae. I love you."
Shelbie- "you hate me but I love you"
Katy- "have a good life kae."
Alex- "I miss you sissy!"
There's a pattern of "love" in these last words. I could go on with a few more people but they all end with "can I buy some from you?" or "what the hell is happening? I can't see straight" ha.
Weird seeing how different it all is with different people (not).
It's funny..
Seeing how things change so fast. And how ok I am with it all.
How I can grow apart from the people I'm closest with, and then grow closer to others that I've never even thought about being close with.
It's funny how ok I am with this change in my life. I love it. I love my life just how it is. Even if I've grown apart from some people, I'm happy with that because obviously that's what God wants for my life right now.
I have an amazing best friend, an amazing guy, and an amazing family around me. I have a growing relationship with Him. What more could I need? My life is finally just the way i want it to be :)
How I can grow apart from the people I'm closest with, and then grow closer to others that I've never even thought about being close with.
It's funny how ok I am with this change in my life. I love it. I love my life just how it is. Even if I've grown apart from some people, I'm happy with that because obviously that's what God wants for my life right now.
I have an amazing best friend, an amazing guy, and an amazing family around me. I have a growing relationship with Him. What more could I need? My life is finally just the way i want it to be :)
Compassion, anyone?
Let’s be reminded that Jesus was motivated by compassion …
Matthew 9.36 - “When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.”
Matthew 14.14 - “When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick.”
Matthew 15.32 - “I have compassion for these people; they have already been with me three days and have nothing to eat.”
Matthew 20.34 - “Jesus had compassion on them and touched their eyes. Immediately they received their sight and followed him.”
Compassion drove Jesus to care for others’ physical, spiritual and emotional needs. Without compassion we can never see people as God sees them.
I believe compassion is cultivated by pain. The most compassionate people I know are those that have endured great personal loss. Experiencing pain enables them to take pause, consider others’ pain, and respond with mercy.
And a merciful response is what is required of us in Micah 6:8 - “He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.”
"Let my heart be broken with the things that break the heart of God."
Lord, may you deal with us as you spoke to Israel in Ezekiel 36:26 - “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”
Grant us compassion Lord.
Matthew 9.36 - “When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.”
Matthew 14.14 - “When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick.”
Matthew 15.32 - “I have compassion for these people; they have already been with me three days and have nothing to eat.”
Matthew 20.34 - “Jesus had compassion on them and touched their eyes. Immediately they received their sight and followed him.”
Compassion drove Jesus to care for others’ physical, spiritual and emotional needs. Without compassion we can never see people as God sees them.
I believe compassion is cultivated by pain. The most compassionate people I know are those that have endured great personal loss. Experiencing pain enables them to take pause, consider others’ pain, and respond with mercy.
And a merciful response is what is required of us in Micah 6:8 - “He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.”
"Let my heart be broken with the things that break the heart of God."
Lord, may you deal with us as you spoke to Israel in Ezekiel 36:26 - “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”
Grant us compassion Lord.
English papers, meet blog. Blog, meet english papers. Enjoy! ;)
Victory in silence..
Victory can sometimes be silent.
A lot of people these days refer to victory as the loud noise of fulfillment. Oftentimes, we're unable to see the things behind the success of the noise. Some people may have sacrificed their pride in hope of bringing fulfillment to one's success. Being humble, that is.
How funny it is that reality beats what's supposed-to-be. People are really ambitious, i can see. And it is so sad that not few are willing to stepped on someone's pride and dignity to reach their goals. Not few took away someone's self-esteem to boast themselves.
I know the feeling, i've once lost my self-esteem for someone else's goal.
Yes, I get to write about Jesus in my English class. :)
Lamentation Before Celebration
It seems that American Christians are all about celebration. In fact, some churches have intentionally chosen the adjective “celebratory” to describe their worship style. Everything has to be upbeat, positive, encouraging. After all, life itself is discouraging, depressing, and difficult enough; shouldn’t church be uplifting?
The Bible does indeed encourage us to “rejoice in the Lord always” (Phil 4:4). However, true celebration takes into account the gravity of mourning and suffering. The writer of Ecclesiastes tells us that lamentation is good for us: “The mind of the wise is in the house of mourning, while the mind of fools is in the house of pleasure” (Ecc. 7:4). And the Apostle Peter reminds us that suffering is crucial to proper rejoicing: “To the degree that you share the sufferings of Christ, keep on rejoicing, so that also at the revelation of His glory you may rejoice with exultation” (1 Peter 4:13). To put it another way: Redemption and Consummation ring hollow without a realistic assessment of the Fall.
For example: We want to celebrate exuberantly on Easter Sunday. To that end, we gather first for a somber and melancholy observance of Good Friday. Our Good Friday worship gathering will indeed be worshipful, just not in a celebratory way. We’ll reflect on the gravity of sin, the seriousness of God’s wrath, and the dark reality of that beautiful, scandalous night.
So, do not attempt to muster up a joyful spirit on Easter Sunday, or any time for that matter without embracing the fear, darkness, and lamentation of life in general.
The Centralization Of Authority: Part 1
Let's start at the beginning of Acts 5.. The church has been growing super fast, people were being healed, the gospel was spreading. Then God decides to freak everyone out by killing someone who gave money to the church.
I should be clear here, Ananias and Sapphira conspired together to gain favor in the fledgling church by appearing spiritual in an act of giving. They decided together to sell some land and give part of the money to the apostles and make seem as though they had given all the money they received. Peter being full of the Spirit knew they were attempting to deceive the body of believers and, more importantly, God himself. Peter called them out and both were struck dead.
This strikes fear in my own life because I feel I've committed equally, if not worse, sins against God my savior. God clearly is the author of life and is sovereign over all, so he can at any point exact his wrath or demonstrate his mercy. That said, I believe God used this event as an example rather than a norm to establish and centralize the leadership of the early church and further build the church's foundation. Jesus says to Peter and the rest of the twelve that on them he'll build his church. If Ananias and Sapphira were able to get away with this, you'd have seen enemies of the church weasel their way into leadership and disintegrate its foundation and credibility.
What God did worked. People were hesitant to join the believers out of fear, but still received the gospel in droves. The Sanhedrin, naturally, became jealous and sought to prevent the apostles from preaching more. A respected leader wisely prevented them from carrying out any capital punishment on the apostles by arguing that if these men were not aided by God himself their movement would die. God in his wisdom used the deaths of Ananias and Sapphira to ensure that the movement would in fact be completely led by his Spirit.
As we'll see later on in Acts, this is one of many events that God used to ensure the fidelity of this new movement.
Victory can sometimes be silent.
A lot of people these days refer to victory as the loud noise of fulfillment. Oftentimes, we're unable to see the things behind the success of the noise. Some people may have sacrificed their pride in hope of bringing fulfillment to one's success. Being humble, that is.
How funny it is that reality beats what's supposed-to-be. People are really ambitious, i can see. And it is so sad that not few are willing to stepped on someone's pride and dignity to reach their goals. Not few took away someone's self-esteem to boast themselves.
I know the feeling, i've once lost my self-esteem for someone else's goal.
Yes, I get to write about Jesus in my English class. :)
Lamentation Before Celebration
It seems that American Christians are all about celebration. In fact, some churches have intentionally chosen the adjective “celebratory” to describe their worship style. Everything has to be upbeat, positive, encouraging. After all, life itself is discouraging, depressing, and difficult enough; shouldn’t church be uplifting?
The Bible does indeed encourage us to “rejoice in the Lord always” (Phil 4:4). However, true celebration takes into account the gravity of mourning and suffering. The writer of Ecclesiastes tells us that lamentation is good for us: “The mind of the wise is in the house of mourning, while the mind of fools is in the house of pleasure” (Ecc. 7:4). And the Apostle Peter reminds us that suffering is crucial to proper rejoicing: “To the degree that you share the sufferings of Christ, keep on rejoicing, so that also at the revelation of His glory you may rejoice with exultation” (1 Peter 4:13). To put it another way: Redemption and Consummation ring hollow without a realistic assessment of the Fall.
For example: We want to celebrate exuberantly on Easter Sunday. To that end, we gather first for a somber and melancholy observance of Good Friday. Our Good Friday worship gathering will indeed be worshipful, just not in a celebratory way. We’ll reflect on the gravity of sin, the seriousness of God’s wrath, and the dark reality of that beautiful, scandalous night.
So, do not attempt to muster up a joyful spirit on Easter Sunday, or any time for that matter without embracing the fear, darkness, and lamentation of life in general.
The Centralization Of Authority: Part 1
Let's start at the beginning of Acts 5.. The church has been growing super fast, people were being healed, the gospel was spreading. Then God decides to freak everyone out by killing someone who gave money to the church.
I should be clear here, Ananias and Sapphira conspired together to gain favor in the fledgling church by appearing spiritual in an act of giving. They decided together to sell some land and give part of the money to the apostles and make seem as though they had given all the money they received. Peter being full of the Spirit knew they were attempting to deceive the body of believers and, more importantly, God himself. Peter called them out and both were struck dead.
This strikes fear in my own life because I feel I've committed equally, if not worse, sins against God my savior. God clearly is the author of life and is sovereign over all, so he can at any point exact his wrath or demonstrate his mercy. That said, I believe God used this event as an example rather than a norm to establish and centralize the leadership of the early church and further build the church's foundation. Jesus says to Peter and the rest of the twelve that on them he'll build his church. If Ananias and Sapphira were able to get away with this, you'd have seen enemies of the church weasel their way into leadership and disintegrate its foundation and credibility.
What God did worked. People were hesitant to join the believers out of fear, but still received the gospel in droves. The Sanhedrin, naturally, became jealous and sought to prevent the apostles from preaching more. A respected leader wisely prevented them from carrying out any capital punishment on the apostles by arguing that if these men were not aided by God himself their movement would die. God in his wisdom used the deaths of Ananias and Sapphira to ensure that the movement would in fact be completely led by his Spirit.
As we'll see later on in Acts, this is one of many events that God used to ensure the fidelity of this new movement.
"You are my everything, and I will adore You."
I saw a person's facebook status today that was a song about Jesus. I thought to myself, aww I love that song! And then I kept scrolling, and at the bottom it said "I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND, JAKE" Hmmm.. Jesus, Jake, Jesus, Jake... Different people, right? Then I decided to creep and I saw a pattern.. She had about 5 different posts, all "Jesus music" quotes, directed to her boyfriend. Messed up? Yeah...
Ever just lost it?
Have you ever just been sitting around with your friends having a good time, and then all of a sudden you just feel the need to scream. To jump up and down, throw something and cry.. ever happen to you? Have you ever just lost it?
If you're like me, you hate to cry in front of other people. It's your biggest fear, your biggest insecurity. And when the moment comes where you just can't hold back your tears anymore, you get that awkward lip twitch and your chin starts to shake. You get short of breath and your vision becomes blurry because of the tears forming, and all you can do is fake sneeze and pretend like that produced little baby tears..
It was nothing like that this time. I couldn't help it. I just cried. Burst out into tears when someone asked me about Hunter, and that has NEVER happened before. I don't know why it happened this time, but it did. I think it's one of those "break downs" that I have every so often, but now it won't go away. It's like this never- ending heart break.. Like, no matter what I do to cover up my hurt I will never really be ok. On Novemeber 16th, 2009 I didn't expect this to hurt me this bad. It didn't hurt me this bad, at all actually. And for some reason, almost a year later..I'm struggling like I never have before. I've hit rock bottom....
If you're like me, you hate to cry in front of other people. It's your biggest fear, your biggest insecurity. And when the moment comes where you just can't hold back your tears anymore, you get that awkward lip twitch and your chin starts to shake. You get short of breath and your vision becomes blurry because of the tears forming, and all you can do is fake sneeze and pretend like that produced little baby tears..
It was nothing like that this time. I couldn't help it. I just cried. Burst out into tears when someone asked me about Hunter, and that has NEVER happened before. I don't know why it happened this time, but it did. I think it's one of those "break downs" that I have every so often, but now it won't go away. It's like this never- ending heart break.. Like, no matter what I do to cover up my hurt I will never really be ok. On Novemeber 16th, 2009 I didn't expect this to hurt me this bad. It didn't hurt me this bad, at all actually. And for some reason, almost a year later..I'm struggling like I never have before. I've hit rock bottom....
Woke up to this song as my alarm..
Made me think of Nanny and Hunter.
I see Your face in every sunrise
The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes
The world awakens in the light of the day
I look up to the sky and say
You're beautiful
I see Your power in the moonlit night
Where planets are in motion and galaxies are bright
We are amazed in the light of the stars
It's all proclaiming who You are
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
I see you there hanging on a tree
You bled and then you died and then you rose again for me
Now you are sitting on Your heavenly throne
Soon we will be coming home
You're beautiful, you're beautiful
When we arrive at eternity's shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We'll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we'll sing
You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful
I see Your face in every sunrise
The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes
The world awakens in the light of the day
I look up to the sky and say
You're beautiful
I see Your power in the moonlit night
Where planets are in motion and galaxies are bright
We are amazed in the light of the stars
It's all proclaiming who You are
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
I see you there hanging on a tree
You bled and then you died and then you rose again for me
Now you are sitting on Your heavenly throne
Soon we will be coming home
You're beautiful, you're beautiful
When we arrive at eternity's shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We'll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we'll sing
You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful
Just one of those days.
I've always said that my Nanny taught me how to act, I just haven't figured out how to do it. But after a long, long morning of acting the way I know my Nanny would frown upon.. I've finally figured it out.
I always try to turn everything around back to me. I try to put blame on someone for my mistakes or flaws. I always try to push buttons just to see how far I can get with a person before they break. Today I realized that I'm not the person that my Nanny would want me to be. I desperately wish that she could still be here to help me out with the change that (starting today) I'm going to try to make. I know that she isn't here in person, but she's here in spirit. And I have everything that she ever taught me and everything that I ever observed and looked up to from her in my heart. I guess you could say that I want to have a heart like my Nanny's.
Recently, I've felt as though everything I say or do is wrong. When really, I just don't think before I speak or act. Why? I don't know. Sometimes I just say things to say it, and Nanny always said to not do that. She also said to never put bottles in the trash compressor, but we still do that too.. ;)
Out of all the people who have died in my life, this is the one death that I've been able to deal with in a healthy way.. For some reason that scares me. Everything has fallen apart, yes. But I'm not running to drugs or alcohol or boys to make me feel better. I'm just, dealing with it. I think it's because this time, the one that died was family. Close family. And I know that if she knew how I acted before, she wouldn't be too happy. But even in that mood, she still would have had her big "Nanny smile" on.
I talk about her smile often, but if you would have been at that funeral.. Every single person who spoke mentioned it. Seriously. It's her smile that I'll miss most, honestly. She had one of those smiles that you'd never forget, one of those that would always be on her face no matter what.
Thank you, Nanny. For teaching me how to act and for teaching me what kind of person I should. I haven't put it in action the past 16 years, but now I am. I love you and I miss you, Nanny.
I always try to turn everything around back to me. I try to put blame on someone for my mistakes or flaws. I always try to push buttons just to see how far I can get with a person before they break. Today I realized that I'm not the person that my Nanny would want me to be. I desperately wish that she could still be here to help me out with the change that (starting today) I'm going to try to make. I know that she isn't here in person, but she's here in spirit. And I have everything that she ever taught me and everything that I ever observed and looked up to from her in my heart. I guess you could say that I want to have a heart like my Nanny's.
Recently, I've felt as though everything I say or do is wrong. When really, I just don't think before I speak or act. Why? I don't know. Sometimes I just say things to say it, and Nanny always said to not do that. She also said to never put bottles in the trash compressor, but we still do that too.. ;)
Out of all the people who have died in my life, this is the one death that I've been able to deal with in a healthy way.. For some reason that scares me. Everything has fallen apart, yes. But I'm not running to drugs or alcohol or boys to make me feel better. I'm just, dealing with it. I think it's because this time, the one that died was family. Close family. And I know that if she knew how I acted before, she wouldn't be too happy. But even in that mood, she still would have had her big "Nanny smile" on.
I talk about her smile often, but if you would have been at that funeral.. Every single person who spoke mentioned it. Seriously. It's her smile that I'll miss most, honestly. She had one of those smiles that you'd never forget, one of those that would always be on her face no matter what.
Thank you, Nanny. For teaching me how to act and for teaching me what kind of person I should. I haven't put it in action the past 16 years, but now I am. I love you and I miss you, Nanny.
"our fingerprints don't...
..Fade from the lives we've touched"
Nanny, I love you. Always have and I will. You were the most positive woman that I had ever met and I'm so happy that I got to call YOU my Nanny. I miss you a lot and i'm happy to know that you're in a better place.
Hunter, it just hit me that you're really gone..... I love you.
Nanny, I love you. Always have and I will. You were the most positive woman that I had ever met and I'm so happy that I got to call YOU my Nanny. I miss you a lot and i'm happy to know that you're in a better place.
Hunter, it just hit me that you're really gone..... I love you.
"The sky looked beautiful today..
and it's all because I know you're up there.."
I watched as the family I've always seem be so crazy and happy, fall apart into tears. All of us together in one church, worshipping and praising the God that our Nanny loved with her whole heart. Never in my life did I ever once think about how a death of a loved one could bring so many people together.. I always thought that when someone in our family died, it would just piss us all off and push us all away from each other becuase we didn't wanna talk about our feelings.. since we're all like that.. But, through this past week.. I realize how blessed I am to have the family that I have..
I watched as my Peepaw got up in front of everyone and cried. He cried through the words that he shared about our Nanny, and he cried when we worshipped all together. Surprisingly, that was the first time I ever saw my Peepaw cry. Through his brain tumor and throughout the whole 16 years of my life, today was the first time I ever saw him cry. And it absolutely broke my heart.
I finally saw that it really is ok to cry. It's ok to feel. It's ok to open up.
I realize now that I can't change what happens in my life. I just have to accept it for what it is and know that God has a reason behind everything. Now Nanny is up in heaven with the Lord. I'm jealous! What makes me really happy though.. Is she gets to be with my Hunter bug.
Nanny taught us all so much. I will never EVER forget her
I watched as the family I've always seem be so crazy and happy, fall apart into tears. All of us together in one church, worshipping and praising the God that our Nanny loved with her whole heart. Never in my life did I ever once think about how a death of a loved one could bring so many people together.. I always thought that when someone in our family died, it would just piss us all off and push us all away from each other becuase we didn't wanna talk about our feelings.. since we're all like that.. But, through this past week.. I realize how blessed I am to have the family that I have..
I watched as my Peepaw got up in front of everyone and cried. He cried through the words that he shared about our Nanny, and he cried when we worshipped all together. Surprisingly, that was the first time I ever saw my Peepaw cry. Through his brain tumor and throughout the whole 16 years of my life, today was the first time I ever saw him cry. And it absolutely broke my heart.
I finally saw that it really is ok to cry. It's ok to feel. It's ok to open up.
I realize now that I can't change what happens in my life. I just have to accept it for what it is and know that God has a reason behind everything. Now Nanny is up in heaven with the Lord. I'm jealous! What makes me really happy though.. Is she gets to be with my Hunter bug.
Nanny taught us all so much. I will never EVER forget her
It's funny, ya know...
Seeing my family all together. You'd think it was a holiday. The only time you ever see the whole entire family together is on the holidays and now we're all together for what my Mimi said is a "family tragedy." scary to think of it that way. It's weird seeing Papa speak up and talk. He's always told his one or two stories a night, and we all love those. But Nanny usually did the talking for him, and now that she's gone..he's talking more than ever. I don't like this. I don't like how Papa can seem so ok, and just so chill.. Funny looking at him hiding it, and then looking at how I hide everything.. Runs in the family I guess?
It's that smile I'll miss most.
Who's gonna call on my birthday and sing me happy birthday every single year? Who's gonna randomly give me $100 dollars when I see them? Who's gonna let me dress up in their clothes? Who's gonna let me slide down their stairs, no matter how old I am?
So many things Ill miss about Nanny. I can't even begin to explain what an impact she had on my life.. She was a positive influence on everyone.. With that smile and how positive she was about absolutely everything.
What am I gonna do?...
I'm already missing that smile...
So many things Ill miss about Nanny. I can't even begin to explain what an impact she had on my life.. She was a positive influence on everyone.. With that smile and how positive she was about absolutely everything.
What am I gonna do?...
I'm already missing that smile...
rough day.
You stood before creation, eternity in Your hand. You spoke the earth into motion, my soul now to stand. You stood before my failure and carried the cross for my shame. My sin weighed upon Your shoulders, my soul now to stand. So what could I say? And what could I do? But offer this heart, Oh God, completely to You. So I'll walk upon salvation, Your spirit alive in me. This life to declare Your promise, my soul now to stand. So what could I say? And what could I do? But offer this heart, Oh God, completely to You. I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of the One who gave it all. I'll stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered. All I am is Yours.
Whataweek.
My week of grounding is almost over and I've been asked what I learned this week.. Oh, here comes the list..
I learned..
You are healing me, and You will continue to heal me.
I have the best best friend, sister and the best "mom" in the entire world.
The death of my best friend wasn't my fault.
How to trust even when I don't want to.
That no matter what, You never let go.
That I need help, and I can't do it by myself.
What can I say? It's been a heck of a week. From coming to the painful truth that my best friend is really gone, to saying bye to an old best friend leaving for college. I never thought that I'd be in the position that I'm in. I never saw myself living without Hunter around. I've made it 9 months without him here, now I know I can make it forever. It hurts like hell, and it scares me so much knowing that I won't ever get to see him again. Or that he won't be at my graduation. Or how I won't get to hear his laugh, or finish our "bucket list." It's hard facing it. It's hard to finally say, "he's gone" and then having to believe it... It's hard to trust people when the one person I trusted most left me without even warning me. It's hard saying that I need help, when I've always thought I could do it on my own. It's hard having to see what an impact I've made on some people's lives, knowing that all I've done is disappoint and hurt. It's just, hard.
I'm trying my best to change, and I think I've done a pretty good job so far. But, I'm at my breaking point and I don't how I'm going to handle it. I can just feel a break down coming and I'm scared.. I don't even know when it's going to happen. All I know is, You're healing me. You're healing my broken heart, my addiction, my life.
YOU never let go..even when it feels like everyone else has.
Have mercy on me, O LORD, for I am weak; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are troubled. Psalms 6:2
I learned..
You are healing me, and You will continue to heal me.
I have the best best friend, sister and the best "mom" in the entire world.
The death of my best friend wasn't my fault.
How to trust even when I don't want to.
That no matter what, You never let go.
That I need help, and I can't do it by myself.
What can I say? It's been a heck of a week. From coming to the painful truth that my best friend is really gone, to saying bye to an old best friend leaving for college. I never thought that I'd be in the position that I'm in. I never saw myself living without Hunter around. I've made it 9 months without him here, now I know I can make it forever. It hurts like hell, and it scares me so much knowing that I won't ever get to see him again. Or that he won't be at my graduation. Or how I won't get to hear his laugh, or finish our "bucket list." It's hard facing it. It's hard to finally say, "he's gone" and then having to believe it... It's hard to trust people when the one person I trusted most left me without even warning me. It's hard saying that I need help, when I've always thought I could do it on my own. It's hard having to see what an impact I've made on some people's lives, knowing that all I've done is disappoint and hurt. It's just, hard.
I'm trying my best to change, and I think I've done a pretty good job so far. But, I'm at my breaking point and I don't how I'm going to handle it. I can just feel a break down coming and I'm scared.. I don't even know when it's going to happen. All I know is, You're healing me. You're healing my broken heart, my addiction, my life.
YOU never let go..even when it feels like everyone else has.
Have mercy on me, O LORD, for I am weak; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are troubled. Psalms 6:2
YOU never let go.
Last night I experienced something that I never thought I would be able to experience. I never thought that God would use ME, as a shining light. I never thought He would use ME to bring someone to Him. But, he did.
I aways looked at this girl and judged (wrong, i know). But, I couldn't help it. I saw her as the "old me." When in all honestly, that "old me" is stilla huge part of me in the sense that I have an amazing story I can tell about my transformation through Jesus. With that story, came her tears and her begging for my help so that she could be at home with Christ like I am. I wrote a note on facebook where I had to write something different for 10 different people who had been on my heart lately, she was number 9. I wrote this:
9. I'm scared for you. I see you go back and forth on what you want with your faith, and I only want the best for you. We aren't very close, and I hope this doesn't scare you away from getting closer with me. But all I want is for you to be happy in a healthy relationship with God. You go back and forth from what you want, and it scares me because you are just like how I used to be. Fortunately, I had people behind me pushing me to God and not to the other things that I was choosing over Him. You are an amazing, special girl and I wish you could see what I see in you. I know you could have an amazing life if you just tried, like I did. You really are sweet when you want to be, but I don't want you to be fake anymore. I want you to see that God DOES love you, even if you don't want Him to..
I waited for her response, hoping that she would even read it.. And she did. She said that she understood what I was saying but she didn't know why I cared. I told her that I had been where she was and I could help her. Then I gave her a link to the song "You Never Let Go" -Matt Redman. She told me to hold on as she went to listen to it and then she came back in tears. Somehow I knew that song would get her to break, because that's the song that got ME to break when I needed to be broken.
Not so much a broken hearted, "broken." But a broken where God saves you right at that moment and you are so overwhelmed by the feeling of truly being loved by the one and only GOD that you can't control it. She said that she loved Him but she never knew how to show it, and that people would make fun of her if she were open about her love for Jesus.
Now that, I understood. I grew up in a home with fighting parents, crazy living arrangements, having to move from house-to-house because of the neighbors complaints about my dad's yelling, being overlooked for years, and so many more things that no one ever knew about. And when I accepted Christ, I came home to my dad laughing and my mom being so proud. My brother, only 7, saying he wanted a close relationship with God too.
I knew how she felt when she thought that people would make fun of her. I knew how it felt to BE made fun of for changing. I knew how it felt to fail. I knew how it felt to be afraid.
She didn't know how to do it. She still doesn't know. But now not only does she have me and other helping her, she has God helping her. And He never lets go!! :)
Could the maker of the stars really hear the sounds of our broken hearts? That is an obvious yes. After stayin up late with this girl last night, I am so happy/excited to have been, and to still be a part of her transformation and walk with Jesus.
Just thought I'd share the craziest most amazing thing I have ever been apart of in my life. I'm so happy I was able to be the person to help her accept Christ when she needed it most. :)
I aways looked at this girl and judged (wrong, i know). But, I couldn't help it. I saw her as the "old me." When in all honestly, that "old me" is stilla huge part of me in the sense that I have an amazing story I can tell about my transformation through Jesus. With that story, came her tears and her begging for my help so that she could be at home with Christ like I am. I wrote a note on facebook where I had to write something different for 10 different people who had been on my heart lately, she was number 9. I wrote this:
9. I'm scared for you. I see you go back and forth on what you want with your faith, and I only want the best for you. We aren't very close, and I hope this doesn't scare you away from getting closer with me. But all I want is for you to be happy in a healthy relationship with God. You go back and forth from what you want, and it scares me because you are just like how I used to be. Fortunately, I had people behind me pushing me to God and not to the other things that I was choosing over Him. You are an amazing, special girl and I wish you could see what I see in you. I know you could have an amazing life if you just tried, like I did. You really are sweet when you want to be, but I don't want you to be fake anymore. I want you to see that God DOES love you, even if you don't want Him to..
I waited for her response, hoping that she would even read it.. And she did. She said that she understood what I was saying but she didn't know why I cared. I told her that I had been where she was and I could help her. Then I gave her a link to the song "You Never Let Go" -Matt Redman. She told me to hold on as she went to listen to it and then she came back in tears. Somehow I knew that song would get her to break, because that's the song that got ME to break when I needed to be broken.
Not so much a broken hearted, "broken." But a broken where God saves you right at that moment and you are so overwhelmed by the feeling of truly being loved by the one and only GOD that you can't control it. She said that she loved Him but she never knew how to show it, and that people would make fun of her if she were open about her love for Jesus.
Now that, I understood. I grew up in a home with fighting parents, crazy living arrangements, having to move from house-to-house because of the neighbors complaints about my dad's yelling, being overlooked for years, and so many more things that no one ever knew about. And when I accepted Christ, I came home to my dad laughing and my mom being so proud. My brother, only 7, saying he wanted a close relationship with God too.
I knew how she felt when she thought that people would make fun of her. I knew how it felt to BE made fun of for changing. I knew how it felt to fail. I knew how it felt to be afraid.
She didn't know how to do it. She still doesn't know. But now not only does she have me and other helping her, she has God helping her. And He never lets go!! :)
Could the maker of the stars really hear the sounds of our broken hearts? That is an obvious yes. After stayin up late with this girl last night, I am so happy/excited to have been, and to still be a part of her transformation and walk with Jesus.
Just thought I'd share the craziest most amazing thing I have ever been apart of in my life. I'm so happy I was able to be the person to help her accept Christ when she needed it most. :)
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