Just one of those days.

I've always said that my Nanny taught me how to act, I just haven't figured out how to do it. But after a long, long morning of acting the way I know my Nanny would frown upon.. I've finally figured it out.

I always try to turn everything around back to me. I try to put blame on someone for my mistakes or flaws. I always try to push buttons just to see how far I can get with a person before they break. Today I realized that I'm not the person that my Nanny would want me to be. I desperately wish that she could still be here to help me out with the change that (starting today) I'm going to try to make. I know that she isn't here in person, but she's here in spirit. And I have everything that she ever taught me and everything that I ever observed and looked up to from her in my heart. I guess you could say that I want to have a heart like my Nanny's.

Recently, I've felt as though everything I say or do is wrong. When really, I just don't think before I speak or act. Why? I don't know. Sometimes I just say things to say it, and Nanny always said to not do that. She also said to never put bottles in the trash compressor, but we still do that too.. ;)

Out of all the people who have died in my life, this is the one death that I've been able to deal with in a healthy way.. For some reason that scares me. Everything has fallen apart, yes. But I'm not running to drugs or alcohol or boys to make me feel better. I'm just, dealing with it. I think it's because this time, the one that died was family. Close family. And I know that if she knew how I acted before, she wouldn't be too happy. But even in that mood, she still would have had her big "Nanny smile" on.

I talk about her smile often, but if you would have been at that funeral.. Every single person who spoke mentioned it. Seriously. It's her smile that I'll miss most, honestly. She had one of those smiles that you'd never forget, one of those that would always be on her face no matter what.

Thank you, Nanny. For teaching me how to act and for teaching me what kind of person I should. I haven't put it in action the past 16 years, but now I am. I love you and I miss you, Nanny.