....

My initial reaction to certain questions/oppurtunities is a "YES", but when I think about it for a quick second that reaction turns into a "NO." Why don't I ALWAYS let myself think for that quick second before acting on my initial reaction??

Sometimes I think, if I didn't go on Winter Retreat in 2009, I could have found God somewhere else? Or... If I didn't go on Winter Retreat, I could still be using every single day. Or... If I didn't go on Winter Retreat, maybe I would have just gotten tired of always being in a different, sometimes scary, state of mind.. In that "messed up" state of mind, or "under the influence" is a better way to put it. Maybe I would have gotten tired of it and just quit?.. But, I know that it was for my best interest to go, because it was the best thing that has ever happened to me..

The bad thing is that sometimes I wish I wouldn't have gone. Sometimes I wish that I would have just stayed home and lived my life how I wanted to, and it makes me wonder how my life would be now. It would probably be somewhat like how today was...other than the (normal for me) guilt feeling that sinks in after a few hours. I think I would skip class and go smoke with a friend. I think that what happened today would be a daily routine, but I wouldn't have the strong feelings of guilt and regret.

I don't know how to deal with pain. That's the problem. I spend my whole morning crying (yes, in front of people..weird) because I'm so hurt and I just can't believe what some people say to tear other people down and what some people make up to try and make themselves feel better. And then an old friend says, "hey, you wanna leave for this period", I follow that initial reaction and don't think about it, I jump right on it, knowing exactly what is going to happen when we leave, I follow right along.. I try to cover up my pain/feelings/hurt by killing it off with what is only a temporary relief.

I don't know how I'm going to get through this next month, if I couldn't even make it through one day. I don't know where I am in my walk with God anymore. I don't know where my emotions are. I don't know how many more tears I can cry before I completely break. I don't know how many more people I can disappoint before they all just give up on me. I don't know what to do. I don't know who I am.