My laptop finally started to work again. As I was listening through my iTunes from the years/months prior, I realized that I placed my identity in my music.
"You are the light to my heart and my soul. You are the light to the darkness around me. You are the hope to the hopeless and broken. You are the only truth and the way."
Though I do have a lot of worship music in my iTunes playlist, I realized how much junk over-ruled it. After attempting the music challenge that my high school youth minister gave to us a few months ago, and not getting through the first 3 days without breaking and listening to secular music, I have realized that he wasn't lyin'. What you put in is most definitely what comes out.
At Stampede this week, an 11 year old girl in middle school came to me to tell me that she was indeed saved and she was a believer, but she didn't feel connected. As I told her my different opinions, that music challenge popped in my head. Knowing that most middle schoolers these days listen to Drake, Ke$ha, Bieber, etc. and not Shane and Shane or David Crowder; I asked her what kind of music she listened to, sure enough she named off all the people that you can hear on 97.0 the Beat and 106.1, but no one that you can hear on that stupid 94.9 station that is safe for the whole family (KLTY bothers me, I stick with CD's). So, I gave her the same challenge that Eron gave us months ago..
The next night she came up to me and asked me to write down every christian artist that I could think of because her mom was going to be going to the store and going to buy her all of the worship CD's that she wanted. Through the night I watched her worship whole-heartedly and I could just tell that she was slowly but surely reconnecting with the God that she thought was too far away to reach :)
55.
Here goes nothin.
I graduated high school. Nearly lost a dear friend. Broke up with who I thought was the love of my life. Switched high schools....twice. Made new friends. Lost good ones. Got a tattoo. Got suspended. And then 3rd partied. Got another tattoo. Enrolled in three different schools. Withdrew from two. "Cyberbullied." Made my schedule for college. Met my new soccer coach. Ordered books and uniforms. Met my roommate. Started counting down to August 11th. Worked Stampede. Went to a concert. Pierced a friend's ear. Had a graduation party. Walked the stage. Decorated my cap. Said goodbye to a dear friend who moved to Maryland. Was the DD, more than once. Told my story to an 11 year old. Watched my little help a girl accept Christ. Hung out with a girl I once hated. Learned to love her, a lot. SURVIVED HIGH SCHOOL AND DEFEATED SENIORITIS.
Been awhile, huh? You've missed a lot. I guess that's my fault though, right? Where I left off was a bad point. November 16th is always a rough day for me, and after that I suffered from an intense case of writer's block. So excuse me if this is rather boring and bland. Warning: it will be.
I literally did everything in high school that you possibly could.. I did drugs. I drank alcohol. I had boyfriends. I almost had a girlfriend (gross ew no). I got saved. I got baptized. I got suspended. I got 3rd partied. I went to alternative school. I got in a fight. I got broken up with. I got cheated on. I made new friends. I lost best friends. People died. New people came in my life. I went to football games. I went to baseball games. I went to basketball games. I played sports. I said I hated more people than I actually did. I switched schools..twice...in the middle of my senior year. I called a girl a slut. I broke up with people. I was convinced that I had found the love of my life. I went on field trips. I went to a church that became my other home. I thought I was a badass. I thought I was popular. I was depressed. I was happy. I came down with a major case of senioritis. I got accepted to college. I made friends much older than me and thought I was cool because of it. I adopted younger kids as my "littles." I had many best friends. I failed. I went to summer school. I made scenes, plenty of them. I screamed. I yelled. I cried. I smiled. I laughed.
Though my senior year was the only one that I was completely off drugs for, you'd think by the sounds of it that I would have fallen right back to where I was freshman and sophomore year. Bare with me, this is not a pity party.. I started of the year without my best friend with a fresh broken heart. I reconnected with one of my best friends, he became my boyfriend. My best girl friend came back from rehab and we reconnected and continued being best friends. I went to every single football because my boyfriend was (kinda) on the team. Whether it was raining or it was way too hot, I was at every single one. As time went on, I celebrated my one year clean. I was baptized, and then I lost all of what I was enjoying the day we got back from Christmas break. Rumor had it that an underclassmen was trying to "get with" my boyfriend. If you know me, you know I am extremely protective of what is mine. So, I took charge. Cyberbullied her and it came back to bite me right in the butt. I was suspended for a week. The end of that week was approaching when I got a phone call telling me that I was being 3rd partied. The initial sentence was 30 days, got in bumped down to 15. Ended up only spending 9 days at Metro. I came back to Heights on my 18th birthday. I got a tattoo that night. A couple weeks later, I was going to be 3rd partied again because I looked at that same girl when she parked next to me. Ended up that she wasn't only a giant tattle tell, but that she was literally out to get me. I made the decision with my mother to switch me schools. I withdrew from heights that next day and enrolled at boswell the day after that. I rebelled during spring break because I was so hurt and ended up getting myself in more trouble. I went to heights and boswell prom. made my college schedule. Actually passed my senior year and graduated.
And now you're filled in. I was fighting a battle inside of me that only God could help me overcome. Though I turned away from him for awhile because I thought that HE was out to get me, He proved me wrong. As always.
I graduated high school. Nearly lost a dear friend. Broke up with who I thought was the love of my life. Switched high schools....twice. Made new friends. Lost good ones. Got a tattoo. Got suspended. And then 3rd partied. Got another tattoo. Enrolled in three different schools. Withdrew from two. "Cyberbullied." Made my schedule for college. Met my new soccer coach. Ordered books and uniforms. Met my roommate. Started counting down to August 11th. Worked Stampede. Went to a concert. Pierced a friend's ear. Had a graduation party. Walked the stage. Decorated my cap. Said goodbye to a dear friend who moved to Maryland. Was the DD, more than once. Told my story to an 11 year old. Watched my little help a girl accept Christ. Hung out with a girl I once hated. Learned to love her, a lot. SURVIVED HIGH SCHOOL AND DEFEATED SENIORITIS.
Been awhile, huh? You've missed a lot. I guess that's my fault though, right? Where I left off was a bad point. November 16th is always a rough day for me, and after that I suffered from an intense case of writer's block. So excuse me if this is rather boring and bland. Warning: it will be.
I literally did everything in high school that you possibly could.. I did drugs. I drank alcohol. I had boyfriends. I almost had a girlfriend (gross ew no). I got saved. I got baptized. I got suspended. I got 3rd partied. I went to alternative school. I got in a fight. I got broken up with. I got cheated on. I made new friends. I lost best friends. People died. New people came in my life. I went to football games. I went to baseball games. I went to basketball games. I played sports. I said I hated more people than I actually did. I switched schools..twice...in the middle of my senior year. I called a girl a slut. I broke up with people. I was convinced that I had found the love of my life. I went on field trips. I went to a church that became my other home. I thought I was a badass. I thought I was popular. I was depressed. I was happy. I came down with a major case of senioritis. I got accepted to college. I made friends much older than me and thought I was cool because of it. I adopted younger kids as my "littles." I had many best friends. I failed. I went to summer school. I made scenes, plenty of them. I screamed. I yelled. I cried. I smiled. I laughed.
Though my senior year was the only one that I was completely off drugs for, you'd think by the sounds of it that I would have fallen right back to where I was freshman and sophomore year. Bare with me, this is not a pity party.. I started of the year without my best friend with a fresh broken heart. I reconnected with one of my best friends, he became my boyfriend. My best girl friend came back from rehab and we reconnected and continued being best friends. I went to every single football because my boyfriend was (kinda) on the team. Whether it was raining or it was way too hot, I was at every single one. As time went on, I celebrated my one year clean. I was baptized, and then I lost all of what I was enjoying the day we got back from Christmas break. Rumor had it that an underclassmen was trying to "get with" my boyfriend. If you know me, you know I am extremely protective of what is mine. So, I took charge. Cyberbullied her and it came back to bite me right in the butt. I was suspended for a week. The end of that week was approaching when I got a phone call telling me that I was being 3rd partied. The initial sentence was 30 days, got in bumped down to 15. Ended up only spending 9 days at Metro. I came back to Heights on my 18th birthday. I got a tattoo that night. A couple weeks later, I was going to be 3rd partied again because I looked at that same girl when she parked next to me. Ended up that she wasn't only a giant tattle tell, but that she was literally out to get me. I made the decision with my mother to switch me schools. I withdrew from heights that next day and enrolled at boswell the day after that. I rebelled during spring break because I was so hurt and ended up getting myself in more trouble. I went to heights and boswell prom. made my college schedule. Actually passed my senior year and graduated.
And now you're filled in. I was fighting a battle inside of me that only God could help me overcome. Though I turned away from him for awhile because I thought that HE was out to get me, He proved me wrong. As always.
730 days..
Within the past 730 days my entire life has been turned upside down, tossed back and forth, lofted from a building and then that process is repeated. I've beaten an addiction, gone back to it, lost my Nanny, been saved, lost Nick, shared my testimony multiple times, made new friends, got my heart broken, fallen in and out of "love", gotten in fights, cried, lost 6 friends at once in a fire, got on stage in front of 100s of middle schoolers and revealed my biggest struggle, encourage others, hurt myself, cried myself to sleep, etc.. But the significance of this day.. The significance of this day haunts me in everything I do. Exactly 730 days ago I lost my brother, my best friend, my stronghold, my rock, my everything.. 730 days ago I ran out of my chemistry class sobbing.. 730 days ago I never would have expected to be where I am.
If what happened 730 days ago never would have happened, I wouldn't be the same person that I am today. I wouldn't be as strong.. 730 days ago my best friend in the entire world killed himself and my entire life was shattered.
I miss you, Bug.
I wanna sing
While the ocean sleeps
I wanna feel
what its like to be free
I wanna to see
what you see in me
I wanna know how it feels to believe
I feel lost somehow im drifting away
Was almost gone, you brought me to life again
so let me be your lighthouse
and i'll help you find a way out
of here
I see the tide is comming
dont let it take you away from me
theres no way im jumping over
I know its your love that saved me
Cause I was lost
somehow im drifting away
was almost gone
you brought me to life again
So let me be your lighthouse
and I'll help you find a way out of here
I can see the light out
from a far away out
but its slowly drifting away from me
cause I was lost
somehow I *drifting away
was almost gone
you brought me to life again
so let me be your lighthouse
and I'll help you find a way out of here
let me be your lighthouse
and I'll help you find a way out of here
If what happened 730 days ago never would have happened, I wouldn't be the same person that I am today. I wouldn't be as strong.. 730 days ago my best friend in the entire world killed himself and my entire life was shattered.
I miss you, Bug.
I wanna sing
While the ocean sleeps
I wanna feel
what its like to be free
I wanna to see
what you see in me
I wanna know how it feels to believe
I feel lost somehow im drifting away
Was almost gone, you brought me to life again
so let me be your lighthouse
and i'll help you find a way out
of here
I see the tide is comming
dont let it take you away from me
theres no way im jumping over
I know its your love that saved me
Cause I was lost
somehow im drifting away
was almost gone
you brought me to life again
So let me be your lighthouse
and I'll help you find a way out of here
I can see the light out
from a far away out
but its slowly drifting away from me
cause I was lost
somehow I *drifting away
was almost gone
you brought me to life again
so let me be your lighthouse
and I'll help you find a way out of here
let me be your lighthouse
and I'll help you find a way out of here
BAPTISM!
On September 25th, 2011, yours truly was baptized! :)
It was a strange thing. I never really get nervous to the point of a stomach ache and having to pee every other minute, but that's how my morning was. My stomach was killing me and I literally thought I was going to vomit. I had to pee every other minute and was running back and forth to the bathroom. I was nervous. What?! I never get nervous like that!
There were a lot of things running through my mind right before we went out on the stage in front of the entire congregation. "She better not drop me" "I hope these shorts don't fall of me when they get wet" "I'm gonna pray now that I don't cough really loud into the microphone" "I might throw up..on Tiffany...or Chris Freeland. That would be awkward" "I hope my face doesn't turn all red" "What if my mascara runs?!" Needless to say, I was freaking out. ...
(I'm typing this is my PLATO class and the bell's about to ring, soo.... To be Continued) :)
It was a strange thing. I never really get nervous to the point of a stomach ache and having to pee every other minute, but that's how my morning was. My stomach was killing me and I literally thought I was going to vomit. I had to pee every other minute and was running back and forth to the bathroom. I was nervous. What?! I never get nervous like that!
There were a lot of things running through my mind right before we went out on the stage in front of the entire congregation. "She better not drop me" "I hope these shorts don't fall of me when they get wet" "I'm gonna pray now that I don't cough really loud into the microphone" "I might throw up..on Tiffany...or Chris Freeland. That would be awkward" "I hope my face doesn't turn all red" "What if my mascara runs?!" Needless to say, I was freaking out. ...
(I'm typing this is my PLATO class and the bell's about to ring, soo.... To be Continued) :)
God Says: I chose you, will you choose me?
I couldn't blame the Lord for where I was or how I felt, because I struggle to stay faithful.
I confess, I'm easily distracted by the usual suspect: relationships (dating and frienships)
When granted either, the outcome is a slow but steady shift from a God focus to "whatever I think will make me happy" focus. In other words, I desert the Blesser for the blessing. Then, everything I desired/wanted more than the Lord disappears...darkness appears. In a previous post I wrote: God Says: You don't have to beg me, because I want to, All you have to do is want me too...Do you want Him? Of course, we all say yes, but as soon as adversity comes we run to God and say, "I've been talking with you, why didn't you tell me, I was going to lose my best friend? or that my car was going to break down? Can you please tell me what's going on? I don't understand this."
Faltering in faithfulness is usually linked to a failure to see the victory in God's plan when it gets painful and/or an ignorance of our purpose. The enemy takes advantage of this opportunity and is happy to offer a platter of distractions. The enemy's goal is to keep us lost in the dark so we never become or do all that God has created us to be and do. The moment we accepted Christ as our Lord and Savior we became blessed, highly favored, wealthy and healthy, but because Jesus paid the cost and built the fortune, we don't appreciate anything. We're spoiled heirs/heiresses. We think God owes us. So, when we go to Him to ask for a portion of our legacy (to spoil/waste) He says no, because the provision is for His vision. Anytime we feel like our "needs" are not being met, we cheat. We're led to believe that the grass is greener, life is exciting, good times and pleasure awaits us on the other side...but it's a mirage.
I think the solution to unfaithfulness is found in the application of LOVE. We can't stay faithful because we don't understand LOVE.
I confess, I haven't conquered cheating, because the natural part of me, will settle for the ability to survive. While the spiritual side is determined to thrive. Sure, we can thrive that was the original design, but it comes with great cost. Truth is, a lot of us quit at the first inkling of sweat and pain. It's time to take off our jewels and fine robes to be faithful to the Lord God and His business. The good news is we can complete our purpose in His plan, live in abundance and receive our full inheritance...IF we learn how to LOVE and remain faithful to the one who LOVED us FIRST. It's time to LOVE Him back.
I confess, I'm easily distracted by the usual suspect: relationships (dating and frienships)
When granted either, the outcome is a slow but steady shift from a God focus to "whatever I think will make me happy" focus. In other words, I desert the Blesser for the blessing. Then, everything I desired/wanted more than the Lord disappears...darkness appears. In a previous post I wrote: God Says: You don't have to beg me, because I want to, All you have to do is want me too...Do you want Him? Of course, we all say yes, but as soon as adversity comes we run to God and say, "I've been talking with you, why didn't you tell me, I was going to lose my best friend? or that my car was going to break down? Can you please tell me what's going on? I don't understand this."
Faltering in faithfulness is usually linked to a failure to see the victory in God's plan when it gets painful and/or an ignorance of our purpose. The enemy takes advantage of this opportunity and is happy to offer a platter of distractions. The enemy's goal is to keep us lost in the dark so we never become or do all that God has created us to be and do. The moment we accepted Christ as our Lord and Savior we became blessed, highly favored, wealthy and healthy, but because Jesus paid the cost and built the fortune, we don't appreciate anything. We're spoiled heirs/heiresses. We think God owes us. So, when we go to Him to ask for a portion of our legacy (to spoil/waste) He says no, because the provision is for His vision. Anytime we feel like our "needs" are not being met, we cheat. We're led to believe that the grass is greener, life is exciting, good times and pleasure awaits us on the other side...but it's a mirage.
I think the solution to unfaithfulness is found in the application of LOVE. We can't stay faithful because we don't understand LOVE.
I confess, I haven't conquered cheating, because the natural part of me, will settle for the ability to survive. While the spiritual side is determined to thrive. Sure, we can thrive that was the original design, but it comes with great cost. Truth is, a lot of us quit at the first inkling of sweat and pain. It's time to take off our jewels and fine robes to be faithful to the Lord God and His business. The good news is we can complete our purpose in His plan, live in abundance and receive our full inheritance...IF we learn how to LOVE and remain faithful to the one who LOVED us FIRST. It's time to LOVE Him back.
It's an invitation. Accept or decline..
I was looking through a planner from the beginning of last school year and I sunk, because instead of seeing growth from then to now in my personal life and spiritual growth, I realized I was in the same place, I've been after the same things for almost a year. I'm staying in Isaiah 55...it's called the invitation. For me it's a personal invitation from God to me...it's an offer to forsake everything I've been striving for to instead strive for Him. I've said it before, but I've never done it. I've never really reserved myself solely for Him. Truth is, if I'm really tired of being in the same place, I'll accept this invitation. I know God is willing to bless and deliver, He's waiting on me.
Isaiah 55
WAIT and listen, everyone who is thirsty! Come to the waters; and he who has no money, come, buy and eat! Yes, come, buy [priceless, spiritual] wine and milk without money and without price [simply for the self-surrender that accepts the blessing].
2Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread, and your earnings for what does not satisfy? Hearken diligently to Me, and eat what is good, and let your soul delight itself in fatness [the profuseness of spiritual joy].
3Incline your ear [submit and consent to the divine will] and come to Me; hear, and your soul will revive; and I will make an everlasting covenant or league with you, even the sure mercy (kindness, goodwill, and compassion) promised to David.
4Behold, I have appointed him (Him) [David, as a representative of the Messiah, or the Messiah Himself] to be a witness [one (One) who shall testify of salvation] to the nations, a prince (Prince) and commander (Commander) to the peoples.
5Behold, you [a][Israel] shall call nations that you know not, and nations that do not know you shall run to you because of the Lord your God, and of the Holy One of Israel, for He has glorified you.
6Seek, inquire for, and require the Lord while He may be found [claiming Him by necessity and by right]; call upon Him while He is near.
7Let the wicked forsake his way and the unrighteous man his thoughts; and let him return to the Lord, and He will have love, pity, and mercy for him, and to our God, for He will multiply to him His abundant pardon.
8For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, says the Lord.
9For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.
10For as the rain and snow come down from the heavens, and return not there again, but water the earth and make it bring forth and sprout, that it may give seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
11So shall My word be that goes forth out of My mouth: it shall not return to Me void [without producing any effect, useless], but it shall accomplish that which I please and purpose, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.
12For you shall go out [from the spiritual exile caused by sin and evil into the homeland] with joy and be led forth [by your Leader, the Lord Himself, and His word] with peace; the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
13Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress tree, and instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree; and it shall be to the Lord for a name of renown, for an everlasting sign [of jubilant exaltation] and memorial [to His praise], which shall not be cut off.
Isaiah 55
WAIT and listen, everyone who is thirsty! Come to the waters; and he who has no money, come, buy and eat! Yes, come, buy [priceless, spiritual] wine and milk without money and without price [simply for the self-surrender that accepts the blessing].
2Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread, and your earnings for what does not satisfy? Hearken diligently to Me, and eat what is good, and let your soul delight itself in fatness [the profuseness of spiritual joy].
3Incline your ear [submit and consent to the divine will] and come to Me; hear, and your soul will revive; and I will make an everlasting covenant or league with you, even the sure mercy (kindness, goodwill, and compassion) promised to David.
4Behold, I have appointed him (Him) [David, as a representative of the Messiah, or the Messiah Himself] to be a witness [one (One) who shall testify of salvation] to the nations, a prince (Prince) and commander (Commander) to the peoples.
5Behold, you [a][Israel] shall call nations that you know not, and nations that do not know you shall run to you because of the Lord your God, and of the Holy One of Israel, for He has glorified you.
6Seek, inquire for, and require the Lord while He may be found [claiming Him by necessity and by right]; call upon Him while He is near.
7Let the wicked forsake his way and the unrighteous man his thoughts; and let him return to the Lord, and He will have love, pity, and mercy for him, and to our God, for He will multiply to him His abundant pardon.
8For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, says the Lord.
9For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.
10For as the rain and snow come down from the heavens, and return not there again, but water the earth and make it bring forth and sprout, that it may give seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
11So shall My word be that goes forth out of My mouth: it shall not return to Me void [without producing any effect, useless], but it shall accomplish that which I please and purpose, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.
12For you shall go out [from the spiritual exile caused by sin and evil into the homeland] with joy and be led forth [by your Leader, the Lord Himself, and His word] with peace; the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
13Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress tree, and instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree; and it shall be to the Lord for a name of renown, for an everlasting sign [of jubilant exaltation] and memorial [to His praise], which shall not be cut off.
God Says: I am God Alone...
I've voiced my thoughts and concerns. I've prayed and cried.
Now it's time to listen for the voice of God....
I bow my head, submit my plans and hush my soul to hear from YOU...Lord Jesus Speak, I'm listening..
Now it's time to listen for the voice of God....
I bow my head, submit my plans and hush my soul to hear from YOU...Lord Jesus Speak, I'm listening..
Stupid Satan..
I used to say that I could never catch a break.. and when it seemed like everything was going back to "normal", something else would end up happening. Or bad things would happen back-to-back-to-back.. And then I hear other people's stories, and I realize how thankful I should be for what God has given me.
I never really looked at death from someone else's point of view. I always look at it as "MY friend died", or "MY great grandma died".. but today, I looked at it differently. I started seeing things on twitter and facebook about my friends Kevin and Vinny.. A few minutes later Kevin's mom texted me, telling me that he and Vinny were killed in a drunk driving accident.. I couldn't believe it. I texted people asking for prayers, I cried like a small child, I laid in my bed not wanting to move, and then I thought... Kevin had a mom, a dad, a fiance, three brothers, and two sisters.. and at that moment, I stopped thinking about me and thought about them. Kevin may have been MY friend, but he was soo much more to them.. He was a son, a lover, a brother, a best friend; he was their life.. and he was taken away from them in an instant..
I know how it feels to have someone taken away from you without any sign of it coming. My best friend of 5 years killed himself without telling anyone, a good friend from church got in an accident and within 2 hours there were 20-30 students gathered at a home crying over the loss, a fire killed 6 of my friends in an instant without anyone thinking that birthday party would go so wrong..
Life throws you curve balls.. But you gotta catch 'em and give 'em to Him..
I never really looked at death from someone else's point of view. I always look at it as "MY friend died", or "MY great grandma died".. but today, I looked at it differently. I started seeing things on twitter and facebook about my friends Kevin and Vinny.. A few minutes later Kevin's mom texted me, telling me that he and Vinny were killed in a drunk driving accident.. I couldn't believe it. I texted people asking for prayers, I cried like a small child, I laid in my bed not wanting to move, and then I thought... Kevin had a mom, a dad, a fiance, three brothers, and two sisters.. and at that moment, I stopped thinking about me and thought about them. Kevin may have been MY friend, but he was soo much more to them.. He was a son, a lover, a brother, a best friend; he was their life.. and he was taken away from them in an instant..
I know how it feels to have someone taken away from you without any sign of it coming. My best friend of 5 years killed himself without telling anyone, a good friend from church got in an accident and within 2 hours there were 20-30 students gathered at a home crying over the loss, a fire killed 6 of my friends in an instant without anyone thinking that birthday party would go so wrong..
Life throws you curve balls.. But you gotta catch 'em and give 'em to Him..
...but, I've learned things within just the past two days...
I look at my face and at the faces of those I love and wonder how did we get here?
I've asked countless times to be transformed and brought forth new... but I didn't know it would cost so much. It's cost me everything, no help in sight. It's just me and God who should be enough...but forgive me, I'm still growing. I'm still guilty of trying to put things/people where only God should be...I'm still guilty of taking matters into my own hands, because sometimes it feels like God is taking His sweet, sweet time...especially when decisions have to be made...
2011 has been a nightmare, for months it's been disaster after disaster and yes, I accept responsibility for causing some of my pain...but I'm not the only one to blame...and for the first time in the span of my years, every one of my friends is going through a war, there's carnage everywhere: separation, rebellion, heartache, rejection, adultery, revenge, anger, death, bitterness, unforgiveness, fornication, strife, homosexuality, poverty, debt...Chaos. I've literally felt my thoughts capsize in a sea of emotion...Lord, I confess I don't know what to do...I'm not ashamed to say, I still don't fully understand who I am, my value, my gifts, my purpose...What am I supposed to do for You?...like a fish out of water, I flop back and forth, gasping and waiting for You to show mercy or end my suffering.
Dear God,
We need you now. We are under attack and it looks like the enemy has the upper hand. Please open our eyes to see the millions of warrior angels surrounding us. Lift up our confidence, set fire to our faith so that the aroma overtakes heaven. We need you, heavenly Father we confess every sin and we ask right now that you would forgive and restore. We thank you right now God, because we know it's not over, we know Lord that the fight is fixed, Jesus give us your strength, control and obedience. Please Lord, don't let us die here, not like this...I'm still growing, but I know this carnage is NOT the work of your hands, you're a loving God, you give life, not death, prosperity instead of lack...Thank you, for allowing me time to roam seemingly alone, just to find my way back to you. I'm grateful for this experience, because I've learned that if no one preaches a word to me, I can preach one to myself. I also learned that you are my preference and my obsession.
What I feel for you is real, You live in the wells of me, I flow for you, naturally. You overtake me, I'm yours no matter where I've been or what I've done, because of your sacrifice on calvary I don't have to beg...so, I've come before you with the needs of many resting on my heart and I don't want to be selfish, so if it's your will to help me last, then so be it. Just as long as you come, you are welcome here and in every situation laid at your feet. I believe that you are able, so with expectation in my heart I will watch and wait for you. Thank you Jesus! You promised to take us from glory to glory, Lord I thank you, because I know there is more glory on the other side of this. Thank you God for restoring my confidence.
In the mighty and matchless name of Jesus I pray and ask all of these things, Amen.
I've asked countless times to be transformed and brought forth new... but I didn't know it would cost so much. It's cost me everything, no help in sight. It's just me and God who should be enough...but forgive me, I'm still growing. I'm still guilty of trying to put things/people where only God should be...I'm still guilty of taking matters into my own hands, because sometimes it feels like God is taking His sweet, sweet time...especially when decisions have to be made...
2011 has been a nightmare, for months it's been disaster after disaster and yes, I accept responsibility for causing some of my pain...but I'm not the only one to blame...and for the first time in the span of my years, every one of my friends is going through a war, there's carnage everywhere: separation, rebellion, heartache, rejection, adultery, revenge, anger, death, bitterness, unforgiveness, fornication, strife, homosexuality, poverty, debt...Chaos. I've literally felt my thoughts capsize in a sea of emotion...Lord, I confess I don't know what to do...I'm not ashamed to say, I still don't fully understand who I am, my value, my gifts, my purpose...What am I supposed to do for You?...like a fish out of water, I flop back and forth, gasping and waiting for You to show mercy or end my suffering.
Dear God,
We need you now. We are under attack and it looks like the enemy has the upper hand. Please open our eyes to see the millions of warrior angels surrounding us. Lift up our confidence, set fire to our faith so that the aroma overtakes heaven. We need you, heavenly Father we confess every sin and we ask right now that you would forgive and restore. We thank you right now God, because we know it's not over, we know Lord that the fight is fixed, Jesus give us your strength, control and obedience. Please Lord, don't let us die here, not like this...I'm still growing, but I know this carnage is NOT the work of your hands, you're a loving God, you give life, not death, prosperity instead of lack...Thank you, for allowing me time to roam seemingly alone, just to find my way back to you. I'm grateful for this experience, because I've learned that if no one preaches a word to me, I can preach one to myself. I also learned that you are my preference and my obsession.
What I feel for you is real, You live in the wells of me, I flow for you, naturally. You overtake me, I'm yours no matter where I've been or what I've done, because of your sacrifice on calvary I don't have to beg...so, I've come before you with the needs of many resting on my heart and I don't want to be selfish, so if it's your will to help me last, then so be it. Just as long as you come, you are welcome here and in every situation laid at your feet. I believe that you are able, so with expectation in my heart I will watch and wait for you. Thank you Jesus! You promised to take us from glory to glory, Lord I thank you, because I know there is more glory on the other side of this. Thank you God for restoring my confidence.
In the mighty and matchless name of Jesus I pray and ask all of these things, Amen.
10 days..
I have a bad bad bad feeling that these 10 days are gonna go by ridiculously slow... and I have an even worse feeling that I'm not gonna go one day without crying. I spent all of day 1 in tears.. I've always had bad attachment issues with people when they leave, but never like this. Saying bye was one of the hardest things I've had to do in a long time. It's not because I'm a baby, it's because I've had a bad feeling about this trip the whole time. I've had the same re-occurring dream that I'm gonna get a phone call that the one person I can go to with absolutely everything, is dead. That she won't be coming back from Thailand, that these 10 days have turned into a life time, that everything is gonna fall apart in an instant.
I'm praying for them while they're gone, and I hope I can get plenty of prayers as well. Because it's only day two, and I'm already sending texts to someone who won't be receiving them for 9 more days.. Oh, life...
I'm praying for them while they're gone, and I hope I can get plenty of prayers as well. Because it's only day two, and I'm already sending texts to someone who won't be receiving them for 9 more days.. Oh, life...
As I entered the home that seemed all too familiar, I instantly had flashbacks of all the good times I had in it. Whether it was mattress surfing down the stairs, painting the walls, breaking dishes after they were permanently stained, running into the walls on a unicycle, helping hang up picture frames, scaring the pizza guy, prank calling the neighbors, opening and closing the garage door on armadillos, shooting birds with potato guns, dying armpit hairs bright orange, waxing leg hairs on the couch, getting yelled at for being out too late, getting yelled at for being home too early, and so many more memories... I couldn't help but cry. I looked at the stairs in front of me and saw photos leading up the hall.. Most were of family, and then one frame caught my eye.. A picture of me. My fifth grade school picture..it was still there. Originally it was placed there so hunter could make fun of me for looking like a "fagoid".. But it was still there. I remembered the house perfectly. I knew whos room was where and what I could find in cabinets. The first room on the right still had my name spray painted on it, with a little heart at the top (I remember getting yelled at for hours about it).. And before I even opened it, I thought "maybe I shouldn't go in here. What if they cleaned it all out" but I went in. And it was exactly how he left it... The bed wasn't made, there were clothes on the floor- along with a blood stain from he shot himself, there were pictures on the walls- along with holes and dents from where we had tested out the potato guns..and bb guns, his book was still open to the page where he left off, and everything still smelt like him... The room was still his. As I walked around it, looking at photos of me and him and reading stuff that was laying around..tears filled my eyes. Everything was dusty and old, including the mcdonalds in the corner by the bean bag which was mine from two days before he died. As I started to sit on the bed his brother came in and said "they haven't moved anything in here... They wont even cover up that damn stain" then he began to cry. I got up to hug him and he said "fix the blanket. You moved it a little to the right"... He said he sleeps on the floor in there hoping maybe Hunter would come into his dreams that night. We continued talking about old times when I heard my name being called.
Two rooms to the left and across the hall, the woman who would "nurse me back to health" when I needed it most was sitting up in her bed. Going there I was expecting the worst, but as soon as I walked in she said "I'm gonna beat this. Cancer is my bitch".. Everything after that was just us reminiscing on old times and talking about the future.
Leaving, all I could think about was "what would hunter say if he was here" and then I looked under his bed for my jacket I had left there a few days before he died.. And in that jacket I found what everyone had been looking for this whole time. It was a note...
"kaebug. I'm always with you. I love you."
RIP best friend. I love you and I miss you.
Two rooms to the left and across the hall, the woman who would "nurse me back to health" when I needed it most was sitting up in her bed. Going there I was expecting the worst, but as soon as I walked in she said "I'm gonna beat this. Cancer is my bitch".. Everything after that was just us reminiscing on old times and talking about the future.
Leaving, all I could think about was "what would hunter say if he was here" and then I looked under his bed for my jacket I had left there a few days before he died.. And in that jacket I found what everyone had been looking for this whole time. It was a note...
"kaebug. I'm always with you. I love you."
RIP best friend. I love you and I miss you.
What's the point?
What's the point in life?
What's the point in trying?
What's the point in apologizing when your apology isn't accepted?
What's the point in caring about someone when they don't give a damm about you?
Whats the point in LIFE?
Why did God take 10 people away from me when I much rather would have been dead myself. Not many would care if it was me, I'd rather be dead than be hurting like this. my life has become pointless in every way possible now. I have no one to hold me accountable, no one to hold me when I cry, pray for me when I need it, encourage me when I'm knocked down.. I have no one to call "mom 2". I don't see the point in life anymore. My faith was so strong and now it has taken a turn for the absolute worse. I guess you could come to the conclusion that i have officially hit rock bottom. I can't do it on my own now. I'm turning to God but it feels like he isn't there, it feels like NO ONE is here.... I'm alone.
So answer this for me... What's the point in living when you have nothing to live for?
What's the point in trying?
What's the point in apologizing when your apology isn't accepted?
What's the point in caring about someone when they don't give a damm about you?
Whats the point in LIFE?
Why did God take 10 people away from me when I much rather would have been dead myself. Not many would care if it was me, I'd rather be dead than be hurting like this. my life has become pointless in every way possible now. I have no one to hold me accountable, no one to hold me when I cry, pray for me when I need it, encourage me when I'm knocked down.. I have no one to call "mom 2". I don't see the point in life anymore. My faith was so strong and now it has taken a turn for the absolute worse. I guess you could come to the conclusion that i have officially hit rock bottom. I can't do it on my own now. I'm turning to God but it feels like he isn't there, it feels like NO ONE is here.... I'm alone.
So answer this for me... What's the point in living when you have nothing to live for?
No sweeter name..
This past week I've really got to take a look at how He's changing me. I got to sit back and watch how He changes others. I got to see the impact that I've made on others. And this makes me incredibally happy.
Never in my life have I heard so many people tell me they're proud of me. This week I've heard it from about 10 different people. I'm changing, but I'm not doing it on my own. HE is changing me. I didn't even realize it until I took a step back and looked at who I was the week school let out, and took a good look at who I am now/who I'm becoming.. and I couldn't be more impressed by the person I see ;) really though, I've never been able to say that I'm proud of myself- but right now, I am.
I stood in front of 400 middle schoolers with a sign in my hand that told my entire story in just 6 words. Last week I told a room full of freshman my testimony. I got out of my "comfort zone" to share the love of God to others.
I never thought I'd be able to say this about myself, but I'm happy with the person that I've become/am becoming.
Never in my life have I heard so many people tell me they're proud of me. This week I've heard it from about 10 different people. I'm changing, but I'm not doing it on my own. HE is changing me. I didn't even realize it until I took a step back and looked at who I was the week school let out, and took a good look at who I am now/who I'm becoming.. and I couldn't be more impressed by the person I see ;) really though, I've never been able to say that I'm proud of myself- but right now, I am.
I stood in front of 400 middle schoolers with a sign in my hand that told my entire story in just 6 words. Last week I told a room full of freshman my testimony. I got out of my "comfort zone" to share the love of God to others.
I never thought I'd be able to say this about myself, but I'm happy with the person that I've become/am becoming.
Succulent.
So, this week was Project Freshman.. Depending on which day you talked to me, I was either really excited to go, or I was mad that I had agreed to give up my first week of summer for a church trip with a bunch of freshman.. But I couldn't be happier that I made the decision to give up my first week of summer, because it honestly changed me.
What did I learn? I learned how to be vulnerable without being scared of what people will think of me.
I learned that I can love God without being worried about people judging me.
I learned how to be myself around people without being afraid of how they would view me.
I gave my testimony about the deaths I've had in my life. Which was basically like me letting my guard down to everyone in the room (which was a lot of people) and really showing them the serious side of me. The side of me that hurts, that cries, that deals with things the wrong way, and the side of me that truly loves God with all my heart. And that's the side I want everyone to see from now on. I don't want people to think that at church I'm one person, and around everyone else I'm someone different. I want everyone to know who I really am. I don't want to live two lives anymore. I just want to live one life, the life that I choose to live is going to be a life revolving around God and His great love for me.
SUCCULENT
What did I learn? I learned how to be vulnerable without being scared of what people will think of me.
I learned that I can love God without being worried about people judging me.
I learned how to be myself around people without being afraid of how they would view me.
I gave my testimony about the deaths I've had in my life. Which was basically like me letting my guard down to everyone in the room (which was a lot of people) and really showing them the serious side of me. The side of me that hurts, that cries, that deals with things the wrong way, and the side of me that truly loves God with all my heart. And that's the side I want everyone to see from now on. I don't want people to think that at church I'm one person, and around everyone else I'm someone different. I want everyone to know who I really am. I don't want to live two lives anymore. I just want to live one life, the life that I choose to live is going to be a life revolving around God and His great love for me.
SUCCULENT
Turn around...
He's right where you left Him..
I was walking on water, so to speak, then I sunk...in my feelings, actions and thoughts... I've come to realize that I already had what I wanted.
I wanted: A real relationship, to really know God and to really know me.
I've learned that a relationship with God will reveal/satisfy all of these things. God is faithful and I want to learn how to be faithful too. It doesn't make sense to cheat on God---no one and nothing can compare to Him...everything falls and bows before Him, He has no competition. Jesus died and was resurrected for me, He wants to be close to me, He cares about my thoughts, feelings and dreams...He loves me. He already loved me, before I knew who He was...still I was drowning in my feelings and thoughts almost engulfed in a wave of idolatry, because God wasn't first. If you don't know it, anything in your life (heart) before God is an idol.
It all seems so silly now...this is why it is so important to stay committed to the one you're with...once I understood what was happening-everything I've learned in my own personal study came flooding back to me. In placing my affection in the idol I subconsciously built a dam to protect what I wanted even though it wasn't of God.
I would spend time with God-but still felt distant and I didn't understand why. Of course, He didn't move, I did...But He broke the dam and every levee today, because He loves me and I wanted Him back. I missed Him and I wasn't comfortable with a long distance relationship. Thank God, I was lost and He came looking for me. Now I'm on my way to everything I've always wanted, because I'm back with the God who created me, loves me, protects me and supplies all my needs. He loves me. I have to keep saying it, because I need to get it past my intellect into my spirit. Jesus loves me. The God who created heaven and earth is concerned about little ol' me. How cool is that?!
With that said, that means it's time to make some changes. First realizing I can't change/fix myself and mindful of the fact that sometimes change takes time. I also acknowledge that my understanding of what needs to change is laughable compared to what God has in mind, so I just want to do what I can to be in agreement with Him. Prayerfully, and if it's God will..I'm open to a total makeover. I know it won't always be easy, but I'm willing to go through it, believing that God always gives us double for our trouble and also believing that I was created for a purpose and I have to change in order to see and live in God's vision for my life.
I'm back in His arms, where I belong. Doing the best I can with where I am and what I have and now, I am absolutely on my way.
Thank you Jesus, because of you I can walk on water and endure till the end. I pray that you will mend every broken heart and that you will draw near to show us how sweet and loving you are. I rebuke the spirit of offense and unforgiveness and I pray that you will teach us how to walk in forgiveness. Help us to forgive like you. Help us to remember our own sin, before we judge or hold a grudge against another. Lord, I pray for all of the people who have been rejected, Lord I pray that they will come to know that you love them unconditionally and though sometimes they feel unwanted and alone, you love them and they're never alone. I pray that you will fill the hurt places with righteousness, love, favor and peace and Lord Jesus please help us to be bold for you. We always look to you expecting, but God what do you want us to do? What can we do that will put a smile on your face? Lord, please help us to be in a position to help somebody else and bless us with the discernment to know when and how. Lord, let it be done in a way that brings glory and honor to you. It' s not about us or being a hero, because you're the only hero. Help us to be humble in our thoughts and purify our hearts so that everything we do will be done with the right intentions and will ultimately bring glory to your name.
I was walking on water, so to speak, then I sunk...in my feelings, actions and thoughts... I've come to realize that I already had what I wanted.
I wanted: A real relationship, to really know God and to really know me.
I've learned that a relationship with God will reveal/satisfy all of these things. God is faithful and I want to learn how to be faithful too. It doesn't make sense to cheat on God---no one and nothing can compare to Him...everything falls and bows before Him, He has no competition. Jesus died and was resurrected for me, He wants to be close to me, He cares about my thoughts, feelings and dreams...He loves me. He already loved me, before I knew who He was...still I was drowning in my feelings and thoughts almost engulfed in a wave of idolatry, because God wasn't first. If you don't know it, anything in your life (heart) before God is an idol.
It all seems so silly now...this is why it is so important to stay committed to the one you're with...once I understood what was happening-everything I've learned in my own personal study came flooding back to me. In placing my affection in the idol I subconsciously built a dam to protect what I wanted even though it wasn't of God.
I would spend time with God-but still felt distant and I didn't understand why. Of course, He didn't move, I did...But He broke the dam and every levee today, because He loves me and I wanted Him back. I missed Him and I wasn't comfortable with a long distance relationship. Thank God, I was lost and He came looking for me. Now I'm on my way to everything I've always wanted, because I'm back with the God who created me, loves me, protects me and supplies all my needs. He loves me. I have to keep saying it, because I need to get it past my intellect into my spirit. Jesus loves me. The God who created heaven and earth is concerned about little ol' me. How cool is that?!
With that said, that means it's time to make some changes. First realizing I can't change/fix myself and mindful of the fact that sometimes change takes time. I also acknowledge that my understanding of what needs to change is laughable compared to what God has in mind, so I just want to do what I can to be in agreement with Him. Prayerfully, and if it's God will..I'm open to a total makeover. I know it won't always be easy, but I'm willing to go through it, believing that God always gives us double for our trouble and also believing that I was created for a purpose and I have to change in order to see and live in God's vision for my life.
I'm back in His arms, where I belong. Doing the best I can with where I am and what I have and now, I am absolutely on my way.
Thank you Jesus, because of you I can walk on water and endure till the end. I pray that you will mend every broken heart and that you will draw near to show us how sweet and loving you are. I rebuke the spirit of offense and unforgiveness and I pray that you will teach us how to walk in forgiveness. Help us to forgive like you. Help us to remember our own sin, before we judge or hold a grudge against another. Lord, I pray for all of the people who have been rejected, Lord I pray that they will come to know that you love them unconditionally and though sometimes they feel unwanted and alone, you love them and they're never alone. I pray that you will fill the hurt places with righteousness, love, favor and peace and Lord Jesus please help us to be bold for you. We always look to you expecting, but God what do you want us to do? What can we do that will put a smile on your face? Lord, please help us to be in a position to help somebody else and bless us with the discernment to know when and how. Lord, let it be done in a way that brings glory and honor to you. It' s not about us or being a hero, because you're the only hero. Help us to be humble in our thoughts and purify our hearts so that everything we do will be done with the right intentions and will ultimately bring glory to your name.
Just add water.
I'm finally coming to the end of myself...It all started when I was admiring walking art.
Walking art is a person whose personal expression of self is bold and direct to who they are on the inside. It's all there, presented beautifully and unashamed. I love it because it's unapologetic. For the past almost 6 months, I've spent a lot of time apologizing or desperately trying to explain my character. I realized that if I presented my true self instead of hiding it, I probably wouldn't have to be so defensive...lesson learned.
Then Peter and the apostles replied, We must obey God rather than men.
HELLO MY NAME IS (insert your name here) AND I'M A (insert whatever your friends want you to be here) aka... HELLO MY NAME IS KAELEN AND I'M BITCHY, A FRIEND, A GIRL FRIEND, A BEST FRIEND, A LOVER, A DRINKER/SMOKER, A SOCCER PLAYER, A CRAZY KID.
My life is a series of walls. I've created a faux character that is acceptable, but at the same time it suppresses the real me...therefore, everything crafted for that faux character is killing me. In the past few weeks I've been dealing with a growing desire to shed this character to really embrace me. This idea is always combatted with, but what will they think? Then my true self replies, "Life is short, do you seriously want to suffocate another day?" Then the faux character says, " Well, what are you going to do?" With that question the dialogue ends with a collective, "I don't Know." All I know is that I'm tired of the iconform uniform, I just want to live.
I've decided to take steps towards happiness and freedom with each decision I make from here on out. Decisions will be based on what will make me happy and of course being lead by the Holy Spirit, so that I stay in the will of God. I just started and I'm already out of breath, it's hard. There is a storm going on in my life right now and I am so ready to run and jump ship. I keep praying, but what I hear from God is not what I want to hear. I want Him to say yes, you can jump and run. Instead, He talks about how He will protect me and He keeps reminding me that this is for my good...I also sought counsel on what I should do and both individuals said that we are to wear the full armor of God, remembering there is no protection for our backs, because God never intended for us to run. Furthermore, at this time in my life no one can help me. I hurt in places ONLY God can touch.
In the past two weeks I've also learned a few life lessons about dating. Ladies, if you meet someone and notice that time and time again that person shows himself to be inconsistent, don't expect that person to change. That person is showing you who they truly are and where you are in their list of priorities. If you continually hear the Holy Spirit telling you that this person is a liar and means no good for you BELIEVE IT. Never take the word of a fleshly being over the comforter,counselor, advocate and friend that we call the Holy Spirit. About three years ago, I met someone I normally wouldn't consider dating, but recently out of loneliness I settled and compromised. This gave room to the enemy in the area of my emotions. Of course, the relationship ended and I was left to bear and carry resentment, anger and loneliness. Did you notice that the initial area of weakness was still there? I realized the space in my heart that feels empty is meant to be filled by God not a man or material things. Also notice that I started with one weakness, opened myself to attack and was left with two infections. Be mindful of your weaknesses and don't think you can handle them on your own. Present them to God and seek healing...The other sad part about the situation is that no matter what I did, that person would have never appreciated me and he never intended to. How do I know? because, He never acknowledged my value or my worth in Christ. I say that, for those of you who think, that maybe if you dressed differently or weren't so proper or didn't talk so much etc, etc..
Well I am here to tell you, that you are a woman of virtue and you're perfect the way God made you. When we need improvement, God tears us down to build us back up. The enemy tears down to keep down and ultimately destroy.
God is made strong in your weakness. The enemy depends/pursues your weakness and wants you to stay that way.
The joy of the Lord is your strength. The enemy wants to steal your joy..get it?
There is so much going on, but the Lord is aware of it all. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding. He promised us abundant (blessed, happy, favored, to be envied) life. Let's live it! Let's go through the tests and trials expecting Victory. Joyce Meyer said, we're fighting from Victory, not in pursuit of it, because God has already given it to us.
Is your life like mine, flavorful, but still dry? Just add water.
Counsel in the heart of man is like water in a deep well, but a man of understanding draws it out. Proverbs 20:5 (AMP)
Behold, God, my salvation! I will trust and not be afraid, for the Lord God is my strength and song; yes, He has become my salvation.Therefore with joy will you draw water from the wells of salvation. And in that day you will say, Give thanks to the Lord, call upon His name and by means of His name [in solemn entreaty]; declare and make known His deeds among the peoples of the earth, proclaim that His name is exalted! Isaiah 12:2-4 (AMP)
God Says: You Shall Live and Not Die
Walking art is a person whose personal expression of self is bold and direct to who they are on the inside. It's all there, presented beautifully and unashamed. I love it because it's unapologetic. For the past almost 6 months, I've spent a lot of time apologizing or desperately trying to explain my character. I realized that if I presented my true self instead of hiding it, I probably wouldn't have to be so defensive...lesson learned.
Then Peter and the apostles replied, We must obey God rather than men.
HELLO MY NAME IS (insert your name here) AND I'M A (insert whatever your friends want you to be here) aka... HELLO MY NAME IS KAELEN AND I'M BITCHY, A FRIEND, A GIRL FRIEND, A BEST FRIEND, A LOVER, A DRINKER/SMOKER, A SOCCER PLAYER, A CRAZY KID.
My life is a series of walls. I've created a faux character that is acceptable, but at the same time it suppresses the real me...therefore, everything crafted for that faux character is killing me. In the past few weeks I've been dealing with a growing desire to shed this character to really embrace me. This idea is always combatted with, but what will they think? Then my true self replies, "Life is short, do you seriously want to suffocate another day?" Then the faux character says, " Well, what are you going to do?" With that question the dialogue ends with a collective, "I don't Know." All I know is that I'm tired of the iconform uniform, I just want to live.
I've decided to take steps towards happiness and freedom with each decision I make from here on out. Decisions will be based on what will make me happy and of course being lead by the Holy Spirit, so that I stay in the will of God. I just started and I'm already out of breath, it's hard. There is a storm going on in my life right now and I am so ready to run and jump ship. I keep praying, but what I hear from God is not what I want to hear. I want Him to say yes, you can jump and run. Instead, He talks about how He will protect me and He keeps reminding me that this is for my good...I also sought counsel on what I should do and both individuals said that we are to wear the full armor of God, remembering there is no protection for our backs, because God never intended for us to run. Furthermore, at this time in my life no one can help me. I hurt in places ONLY God can touch.
In the past two weeks I've also learned a few life lessons about dating. Ladies, if you meet someone and notice that time and time again that person shows himself to be inconsistent, don't expect that person to change. That person is showing you who they truly are and where you are in their list of priorities. If you continually hear the Holy Spirit telling you that this person is a liar and means no good for you BELIEVE IT. Never take the word of a fleshly being over the comforter,counselor, advocate and friend that we call the Holy Spirit. About three years ago, I met someone I normally wouldn't consider dating, but recently out of loneliness I settled and compromised. This gave room to the enemy in the area of my emotions. Of course, the relationship ended and I was left to bear and carry resentment, anger and loneliness. Did you notice that the initial area of weakness was still there? I realized the space in my heart that feels empty is meant to be filled by God not a man or material things. Also notice that I started with one weakness, opened myself to attack and was left with two infections. Be mindful of your weaknesses and don't think you can handle them on your own. Present them to God and seek healing...The other sad part about the situation is that no matter what I did, that person would have never appreciated me and he never intended to. How do I know? because, He never acknowledged my value or my worth in Christ. I say that, for those of you who think, that maybe if you dressed differently or weren't so proper or didn't talk so much etc, etc..
Well I am here to tell you, that you are a woman of virtue and you're perfect the way God made you. When we need improvement, God tears us down to build us back up. The enemy tears down to keep down and ultimately destroy.
God is made strong in your weakness. The enemy depends/pursues your weakness and wants you to stay that way.
The joy of the Lord is your strength. The enemy wants to steal your joy..get it?
There is so much going on, but the Lord is aware of it all. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding. He promised us abundant (blessed, happy, favored, to be envied) life. Let's live it! Let's go through the tests and trials expecting Victory. Joyce Meyer said, we're fighting from Victory, not in pursuit of it, because God has already given it to us.
Is your life like mine, flavorful, but still dry? Just add water.
Counsel in the heart of man is like water in a deep well, but a man of understanding draws it out. Proverbs 20:5 (AMP)
Behold, God, my salvation! I will trust and not be afraid, for the Lord God is my strength and song; yes, He has become my salvation.Therefore with joy will you draw water from the wells of salvation. And in that day you will say, Give thanks to the Lord, call upon His name and by means of His name [in solemn entreaty]; declare and make known His deeds among the peoples of the earth, proclaim that His name is exalted! Isaiah 12:2-4 (AMP)
God Says: You Shall Live and Not Die
Quiet.
For the first time in my life I woke up this morning and just didn't want to talk.. Everyone knows that I love talking..it's my favorite thing to do. But this morning, I sat up in my bed and thought to myself.. "I wonder what it would be like to not talk much all day and just listen to what other people had to say.." So, that's what I did. Throughout the day I heard other people's opinions on things that I wouldn't usually care about/listen to. I heard what other people's lives were like, I eaves dropped a bit.. And then when I was asked questions I'd go for the one to five word answers.
I get to church and there was an awkward silence. As I sat in a room with 4 people I didn't know well, I attempted to start a conversation..that didn't go too well. One person ended up almost in tears and the other 3 just sat there awkwardly.. so we started the video and began working on our skit, forgetting the topic was ever brought up.
My question was "if you had to choose one thing that was the hardest to go through this past school year, what would it be?" After asking that, I began thinking about it myself.. And the only thing that I could think about was the fire. So at the end of the evening when the question was thrown back in my face, I didn't say anything. Then I realized how selfish I have been.. I ask others the tough stuff and then when it gets thrown back at me I avoid it at all costs. That's what you would call a "wall." That invisible thing that covers up all your deepest emotions and thoughts so you can just keep 'em all to yourself..
And here we are.. The only thing on my mind is the fire.. and the song "Everything" by lifehouse. Two things that hurt my heart when they're put together.
The wall is slowly comin' down.
I get to church and there was an awkward silence. As I sat in a room with 4 people I didn't know well, I attempted to start a conversation..that didn't go too well. One person ended up almost in tears and the other 3 just sat there awkwardly.. so we started the video and began working on our skit, forgetting the topic was ever brought up.
My question was "if you had to choose one thing that was the hardest to go through this past school year, what would it be?" After asking that, I began thinking about it myself.. And the only thing that I could think about was the fire. So at the end of the evening when the question was thrown back in my face, I didn't say anything. Then I realized how selfish I have been.. I ask others the tough stuff and then when it gets thrown back at me I avoid it at all costs. That's what you would call a "wall." That invisible thing that covers up all your deepest emotions and thoughts so you can just keep 'em all to yourself..
And here we are.. The only thing on my mind is the fire.. and the song "Everything" by lifehouse. Two things that hurt my heart when they're put together.
The wall is slowly comin' down.
If heaven wasn't so far away..
I'd tell my Nanny how much I loved her, because I don't feel like I did that enough when she was here. I'd let Nick know what an impact he made on my life. I'd make one more crazy memory with Savannah, Vivian, Nick, Tim, and Calvin. I'd be sure to let Alexis know how much she meant to me. I'd kick Hunter as hard as I could, and then I'd get one last "big-bug hug" from him. I'd tell Dereck (D-wreck) how good I've been doing lately, so I could hear him tell me he's proud of me one last time. Then, I'd ask God why he took all these people away from within a two year run.. It almost seemed as though I never got a break. And now that they're all gone, I will never get a "break" again, cause they are constantly on my mind and in my hurt. It's always going to hurt. People always tell me that time heals everything, but in my experience..time has only brought more pain. I just wanna know when/if the hurt will ever go away. Does it?
Out of the "blur"..
Earlier this week I was reading Genesis 2 and 3. After Adam and Eve sinned they tried to hide themselves from an omnipresent God, that doesn't make any sense to me, but what really intrigued me was God's reaction in Genesis 3:9, God calls out to Adam and asks where are you? God calling out to Adam signifies that He was lost and no longer in right-standing with God. I loved that God's response to Adam and Eve's sin was love. Instead of raging with anger towards Adam and Eve, He first addressed Satan and declared His plan of redemption for His people in Genesis 3: 14-15.
In verse 17-19 He is speaking to Adam and assigns punishment for his disobedience that would also affect him and all of the generations that would follow. God is Just, look at the order He chose---> Satan, Eve, Adam.
Before the fall, Adam and Eve reigned the earth in full authority, their sin opened the earth to be overthrown by evil and disrupted with calamity, still God brought peace and acted in love.
When we sin, we disappoint God and there will be repercussions, but we must understand that we serve a God of love. No matter what you do, think, or say He still loves you because His love is perfect and everlasting.
Romans 8:38-39 "For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
We need to know that our purpose in God does not change because of our sin. He has already established a plan of reconciliation, it's called forgiveness. When we confess our sins, faults and shortcomings to God He is QUICK to forgive. He is not a friend that will condemn or continually bring your lowest moments back-up. The word says He throws them behind His back and never remembers them again. Once we've asked for forgiveness, then ask God to help us forgive ourselves. This is often the hardest part, because we replay the events over and over -- instead of accepting God's mercy we beat ourselves mentally and emotionally over something God has already forgotten. The word says, that the Lord disciplines those He loves...not to hurt us, but to restore us.
If we have fallen from the grace of God, don't try to hide (it's impossible) instead, run to Him and confess your wrongs so He can make you right. He is in love with you, it is foolish to seek comfort and restoration from anyone/where else. There are many great men and women in the Bible who were called by God to be great and to do great things, but somewhere along the way, they fell short. David was a man after God's own heart, but he still committed murder and adultery. Did David fall yes, but he was a man who knew how to repent and cry out to the Lord in times of strife and in times of joy. David was a worshipper, and so are we. We are all created to worship, that is our common bond. Follow David's example, run to God, confess and praise the Lord, sin does not devalue your worship. Please know that the Lord is looking for you and longing to hear from you, just like He did with Adam in the garden.
Always remember, you are not what you did, you are who God called you to be. The word of God never changes and His plan is fixed, set and established. His plan does not alter itself because we fall short, the goal is for us to alter ourselves through the leading of the Holy Spirit to fit and carry out God's custom plan for our lives. It's ok. You fell. Get back up and continue forward. God still wants to give us His best and He still wants to see us blessed.
God says: You Are Forgiven.
In verse 17-19 He is speaking to Adam and assigns punishment for his disobedience that would also affect him and all of the generations that would follow. God is Just, look at the order He chose---> Satan, Eve, Adam.
Before the fall, Adam and Eve reigned the earth in full authority, their sin opened the earth to be overthrown by evil and disrupted with calamity, still God brought peace and acted in love.
When we sin, we disappoint God and there will be repercussions, but we must understand that we serve a God of love. No matter what you do, think, or say He still loves you because His love is perfect and everlasting.
Romans 8:38-39 "For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
We need to know that our purpose in God does not change because of our sin. He has already established a plan of reconciliation, it's called forgiveness. When we confess our sins, faults and shortcomings to God He is QUICK to forgive. He is not a friend that will condemn or continually bring your lowest moments back-up. The word says He throws them behind His back and never remembers them again. Once we've asked for forgiveness, then ask God to help us forgive ourselves. This is often the hardest part, because we replay the events over and over -- instead of accepting God's mercy we beat ourselves mentally and emotionally over something God has already forgotten. The word says, that the Lord disciplines those He loves...not to hurt us, but to restore us.
If we have fallen from the grace of God, don't try to hide (it's impossible) instead, run to Him and confess your wrongs so He can make you right. He is in love with you, it is foolish to seek comfort and restoration from anyone/where else. There are many great men and women in the Bible who were called by God to be great and to do great things, but somewhere along the way, they fell short. David was a man after God's own heart, but he still committed murder and adultery. Did David fall yes, but he was a man who knew how to repent and cry out to the Lord in times of strife and in times of joy. David was a worshipper, and so are we. We are all created to worship, that is our common bond. Follow David's example, run to God, confess and praise the Lord, sin does not devalue your worship. Please know that the Lord is looking for you and longing to hear from you, just like He did with Adam in the garden.
Always remember, you are not what you did, you are who God called you to be. The word of God never changes and His plan is fixed, set and established. His plan does not alter itself because we fall short, the goal is for us to alter ourselves through the leading of the Holy Spirit to fit and carry out God's custom plan for our lives. It's ok. You fell. Get back up and continue forward. God still wants to give us His best and He still wants to see us blessed.
God says: You Are Forgiven.
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