As I was about to leave the Baylor Institute for Rehabilitation today, I bent over and said goodbye to Michael.. I grabbed his hand and said, "I love you, buddy! you're doing so good, I'll see you soon." I looked at him and he had a huge grin on his face, like he always had before, and then he let go of my hand; and he hugged me. Right at that moment I realized how true the statement "Our God is Healer" is.
We were there for an hour or so, within that time it was like miracle after miracle. He had his eyes wide open, making eye contact, WRITING!!, playing thumb wars, giving high fives, untying his shoes, and playing catch with balloons.. He made a joke; then laughed at his own joke. He smiled when I smelled his hair, when we were recording him, taking pics, talking about Antoine Dobson, and when we would just say something he thought was funny.
Number 2 of 36 on my bucket list: Witness a miracle.
Number 2 on my bucket list has officially been crossed out.
Thank you, Michael- for everything you've done for me this past year. Whether it was yelling at me to set me straight, listen to me when I complained, or hanging out with me when I just needed a friend.. Without you eaves-dropping on my life story at ski trip, I may have never met you.. SO, thank you for eaves-dropping. You have changed my life and you don't even know it yet. I love you, Michael Ian Batts. You are and always will be one of my best friends. Even when I do ignore you when I'm mad, yell at you when I'm frustrated, or don't talk to you when I'm aggravated; I know I didn't make it obvious how deeply I care about you, but you always knew :) You're a strong guy, we all know that now; I knew it before, but now everyone else can see it too.
Through all of this you have made me stronger. I now know that miracles are real, they CAN happen, and they DO happen. Your story is going to be so amazing when this is all over with, and with the progress that you've been making; It looks like you'll be able to tell your story pretty darn soon. You've spoken to so many people through this without even saying a word, and THAT is amazing. <3
Thanksgiving fail..
These past three days with my family have not gone how I expected them too. Our Thanksgiving didn't even seem like a thanksgiving. Every year we've gone to Nanny's, everyone hung around in the kitchen while Nanny and Mimi cooked and we would all chip in a helping hand. Papa would lose his shirt, yell about the door being open, and then tell ongoing stories about the most pointless yet interesting things. The little ones would beg to go on the golf cart, and Peepaw would set up a tent and camp out in the cold.. But this year was different. There was no Nanny, no Papa, no slaving in the kitchen, no pointless stories, no golf cart.. Of course, Peepaw slept outside still.. But, this year our thanksgiving was in Austin, not Killeen. It was just, dull.. Everything a thanksgiving shouldn't be.. If you were a friend that came over to "enjoy" it with us, you'd say it was anything but dull, but I think we'd all agree that our holidays will never be the same without Nanny; they'll just be dull..
Thanksgiving day we went to the A&M/UT football game. (gig em). So we had our thanksgiving on Friday instead.. Which Nanny would have been completely against. But we did it anyway..
But even if that was the situation, with Nanny here it all would have been so much different. I just know it. I hate this.
And now, I'm laying here. I can't sleep, I'm watching miss congenitality one and two. Doing anything to find a laugh. And then I hear screaming and crying from my cousins room. Scared the hell out of me. Ran in there and all I could hear my baby cousin saying through her tears and her fear was, "I want my Nanny"... I could not take it. I gave her my Timmy (comfort pillow) kissed her head, tucked her in, and walked out. She stopped crying just as soon as I started crying..
I've never missed someone more than I miss my Nanny. I've never had to deal with something like this in a healthy way and I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm weak. I'm broken. I'm hurting. And I'm about to hit rock bottom. I miss you, Nanny. I miss your smile, your laugh, your sense of humor, your scarves, your soft little jackets, your hugs, your voice; everything. I love you, Nanny.....
Ps. 56:3
Thanksgiving day we went to the A&M/UT football game. (gig em). So we had our thanksgiving on Friday instead.. Which Nanny would have been completely against. But we did it anyway..
But even if that was the situation, with Nanny here it all would have been so much different. I just know it. I hate this.
And now, I'm laying here. I can't sleep, I'm watching miss congenitality one and two. Doing anything to find a laugh. And then I hear screaming and crying from my cousins room. Scared the hell out of me. Ran in there and all I could hear my baby cousin saying through her tears and her fear was, "I want my Nanny"... I could not take it. I gave her my Timmy (comfort pillow) kissed her head, tucked her in, and walked out. She stopped crying just as soon as I started crying..
I've never missed someone more than I miss my Nanny. I've never had to deal with something like this in a healthy way and I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm weak. I'm broken. I'm hurting. And I'm about to hit rock bottom. I miss you, Nanny. I miss your smile, your laugh, your sense of humor, your scarves, your soft little jackets, your hugs, your voice; everything. I love you, Nanny.....
Ps. 56:3
Dear Nanny..
Hey Nan, it's our first thanksgiving without you and I can't even begin to explain how weird it is. I think it's finally hit us all that you're really gone now.. It sucks but we know you're in a much better place.. We miss you a lot, I know you know this. I just wish you could be here with us. Abby's getting so big now, she's beautiful.. Gage is still his awkward little self, but he's breaking his shell. Brody, well, he's still irritating. I made the fruit salad yesterday, it was weird not hearing "now you watch your fingers, we don't wanna take a trip to the hospital on a holiday, the streets are too busy for traveling" hahah, and I didn't cut off a finger.. Just sayin. ;) well, Christmas is next and I'm sure that'll be ten times harder. Someone's gotta wear those huge earrings shaped like Christmas bells like you used to.. I love you and I miss you so much, Nanny. See ya <3
Through it all..
He redeemed my soul from going down to the pit, and I will live to enjoy the light
For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee
Dear Lord Jesus,
Thank you
You saved me
You never disappoint me
You always have time for me
You only desire the best for me
and I'm always on Your mind
There is no greater love than this
Your everything to me
I need You at All times
Help me to hear You when life gets too loud
Help me to see You when the path gets dark
Help me to feel your presence when I'm all alone
and Lord please help me to remember that You are More than enough
and All that you say about me is true and will manifest
Lord give me the wisdom to avoid the tricks and traps of the enemy
You said, you would pull me from the pit and set my feet upon a rock
to then establish me..I believe it.
My eyes are on you...I'm waiting.
For you, from me.
In your precious name I pray and give thanks, Amen.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand
For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee
Dear Lord Jesus,
Thank you
You saved me
You never disappoint me
You always have time for me
You only desire the best for me
and I'm always on Your mind
There is no greater love than this
Your everything to me
I need You at All times
Help me to hear You when life gets too loud
Help me to see You when the path gets dark
Help me to feel your presence when I'm all alone
and Lord please help me to remember that You are More than enough
and All that you say about me is true and will manifest
Lord give me the wisdom to avoid the tricks and traps of the enemy
You said, you would pull me from the pit and set my feet upon a rock
to then establish me..I believe it.
My eyes are on you...I'm waiting.
For you, from me.
In your precious name I pray and give thanks, Amen.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand
It's not dead
It doesn't matter how bad the situation looks or how bad it stinks, it's not dead.
We've been praying, crying, and waiting and at some moments we've been wondering where God is.. He's there in the midst of this situation, feeling our pain, and interceding on our behalf. He's about to perform a miracle for you; He HAS performed a miracle, for US. Never forget that we serve a God who is never too far off that He does not feel our pain. Why does He seem delayed? Because the miracle is for you, but its not all about you. Those who witness God's blessing on your life, will believe too. We have to learn how to be selfless in our suffering, because all around we have unbelievers watching us. We have to keep our faith and remember that God ALWAYS fulfills His promises. Now, we wait on the Lord..
We've been praying, crying, and waiting and at some moments we've been wondering where God is.. He's there in the midst of this situation, feeling our pain, and interceding on our behalf. He's about to perform a miracle for you; He HAS performed a miracle, for US. Never forget that we serve a God who is never too far off that He does not feel our pain. Why does He seem delayed? Because the miracle is for you, but its not all about you. Those who witness God's blessing on your life, will believe too. We have to learn how to be selfless in our suffering, because all around we have unbelievers watching us. We have to keep our faith and remember that God ALWAYS fulfills His promises. Now, we wait on the Lord..
1 year.
Time flies when things are changing - that's what a friend told me today, the one year anniversary of my best friend's death.
I expected today to be one of the hardest days ever, I expected to be absolutely miserable. I didn't go to school, but I'm sure I could have handled it if I would have gone. I didn't really talk to anyone, but I'm sure I could have if I would have had more confidence in myself. I spent my entire day with one of my closest friends, although that didn't take my mind off it at all; it helped. and then I went to the hospital, which a lot of people thought would make me worse and make my day hell.. But it only made it better.
We got there and literally no less than 5 minutes after we got inside, the two people that were back there with Michael came out with huge smiles on their faces, telling us how Michael had opened his eyes completely and gave them a HUGE "Michael smile." It made my heart happy.
When Ashley and I went back, we didn't expect him to do much for us since he was tired. But we forgot to expect the unexpected.. He was high fiving us like crazy, sticking his tongue out and licking his lips, and when I told him we were leaving he wouldn't let go of my hand. It took me and his mom at least 5 minutes to get him to let go; of course I didn't want to let go, but he had other guests waiting for him. Hahah.
Michael made my day better than I expected it to be; Michael has given me hope. The hope that I've needed to get by, the hope that I've needed to be strong again, the hope that I've needed to be confident and faithful again, the kind of hope that has brought me back to God.. Michael is changing our lives through this storm, and when he wakes up from all of this; he will have one heck of an amazing story to tell :)
"How could I stand here and not be moved by YOU?"
Of course I miss Hunter more than anything, and I'd give up everything to have him back with me. But Michael has shown me how to stay strong through anything and everything, and if he can get through this; then I can get through it all.
Always expect the unexpected
I expected today to be one of the hardest days ever, I expected to be absolutely miserable. I didn't go to school, but I'm sure I could have handled it if I would have gone. I didn't really talk to anyone, but I'm sure I could have if I would have had more confidence in myself. I spent my entire day with one of my closest friends, although that didn't take my mind off it at all; it helped. and then I went to the hospital, which a lot of people thought would make me worse and make my day hell.. But it only made it better.
We got there and literally no less than 5 minutes after we got inside, the two people that were back there with Michael came out with huge smiles on their faces, telling us how Michael had opened his eyes completely and gave them a HUGE "Michael smile." It made my heart happy.
When Ashley and I went back, we didn't expect him to do much for us since he was tired. But we forgot to expect the unexpected.. He was high fiving us like crazy, sticking his tongue out and licking his lips, and when I told him we were leaving he wouldn't let go of my hand. It took me and his mom at least 5 minutes to get him to let go; of course I didn't want to let go, but he had other guests waiting for him. Hahah.
Michael made my day better than I expected it to be; Michael has given me hope. The hope that I've needed to get by, the hope that I've needed to be strong again, the hope that I've needed to be confident and faithful again, the kind of hope that has brought me back to God.. Michael is changing our lives through this storm, and when he wakes up from all of this; he will have one heck of an amazing story to tell :)
"How could I stand here and not be moved by YOU?"
Of course I miss Hunter more than anything, and I'd give up everything to have him back with me. But Michael has shown me how to stay strong through anything and everything, and if he can get through this; then I can get through it all.
Always expect the unexpected
It's crazy, ya know..
9 days ago life was average.
8 days ago one of my closest friends was in a car accident that many thought would be fatal.
7 days ago that friend was taken off of life support, and he was still living.
6 days ago that same friend was only on a breathing machine, which was just helpin' him out a bit.
5 days ago he started moving around and responding to commands like "squeeze my hand", and "raise your arm"
4 days ago he was taken completely off of the things that were helping him breathe, and he was doing it all on his own, he held my hand, and shooshed me and a friend as we were singing to him. :)
3 days ago he continued making major progress.
2 days ago things started to go downhill..
And yesterday, things got worse. His fever was up dangerously high, along with his heart rate. He wasn't moving much at all, and they found an infection in his central line and they planned to do a procedure today to insert a feeding tube.
Today they were unable to do the procedure because of the infection. He played thumb wars with our youth leader. His fever and heart rate stayed in a stable place. And he was moving around, a lot.
BUT, through all of this. He has been in a coma. Crazy, right? A boy in a coma is responding to commands, shooshing us while we sing to him, doing sign language, and playing thumb wars with our youth leader..
Before last Sunday, my passion for God had faded. I had no desire to read the Bible, or even encourage others to believe. I was not believing. My faith had faded so much over the past couple months.. And last Sunday, all of that faith suddenly came back to me. I realized that my friend was still alive, and that was only by the Grace of God.
On Wednesday night I broke. Everything caught up to me all at once and I could do nothing but cry. And that's exactly what I did. I looked around me and there were others in tears as well. Then, I realized that THIS is what reality looks like. Through the majority of the struggles that I've gone through, I've numbed my pain.. And now I realize that feeling pain isn't so much a bad thing. Towards the end of the night, I saw one of the strongest men that I know break down in tears while reading me Psalm 56.3, "When I'm afraid, I put my trust in YOU" and that's what I've begun doing. I'm scared, terrified actually, we all are, but I know that this IS God's will. Everything good and everything bad is all in God's plan for us. Expect the unexpected is also something that I've learned to live by this past week. And, miracles CAN happen; and I've witnessed a mircale happening in one of the most amazing boys I've ever met in my life.
I now believe more than I ever have that God is all we need. He is our Salvation. He is Healer, He is stronger, He is greater, He is awesome in power, He is higher than any other.. HE. IS. GOD. and HE. IS. GOOD!
Dear Lord Jesus,
I'm chasing after you, I want your heart
Thank you for your unconditional love
I praise you because you are not a God of coincidence
Everything happens for a reason and no matter what it looks like its always for my good!
Thank you for the times I felt like I was going to faint
Thank you for carrying me when I did
Thank you for Your correction that pulls me from destruction every time I lose my way
Thank you for being a faithful God who supplies needs, opens doors, answers prayers, and forgives before I can say Amen
Lord, please remove anyone/thing that competes with my relationship with You
Forgive me for foolishly seeking fulfillment outside of you
Thank you for showing me how frail I am, while assuring me of how strong I can be, if I stay faithful to my covenant relationship with You
You know I desire to walk in total obedience to Your will
Please guide me, and hold my hand, as I enter into a new life
Thank you Jesus, I can finally see the sun and feel its warmth on my skin
In the precious name of Jesus I pray, Amen.
8 days ago one of my closest friends was in a car accident that many thought would be fatal.
7 days ago that friend was taken off of life support, and he was still living.
6 days ago that same friend was only on a breathing machine, which was just helpin' him out a bit.
5 days ago he started moving around and responding to commands like "squeeze my hand", and "raise your arm"
4 days ago he was taken completely off of the things that were helping him breathe, and he was doing it all on his own, he held my hand, and shooshed me and a friend as we were singing to him. :)
3 days ago he continued making major progress.
2 days ago things started to go downhill..
And yesterday, things got worse. His fever was up dangerously high, along with his heart rate. He wasn't moving much at all, and they found an infection in his central line and they planned to do a procedure today to insert a feeding tube.
Today they were unable to do the procedure because of the infection. He played thumb wars with our youth leader. His fever and heart rate stayed in a stable place. And he was moving around, a lot.
BUT, through all of this. He has been in a coma. Crazy, right? A boy in a coma is responding to commands, shooshing us while we sing to him, doing sign language, and playing thumb wars with our youth leader..
Before last Sunday, my passion for God had faded. I had no desire to read the Bible, or even encourage others to believe. I was not believing. My faith had faded so much over the past couple months.. And last Sunday, all of that faith suddenly came back to me. I realized that my friend was still alive, and that was only by the Grace of God.
On Wednesday night I broke. Everything caught up to me all at once and I could do nothing but cry. And that's exactly what I did. I looked around me and there were others in tears as well. Then, I realized that THIS is what reality looks like. Through the majority of the struggles that I've gone through, I've numbed my pain.. And now I realize that feeling pain isn't so much a bad thing. Towards the end of the night, I saw one of the strongest men that I know break down in tears while reading me Psalm 56.3, "When I'm afraid, I put my trust in YOU" and that's what I've begun doing. I'm scared, terrified actually, we all are, but I know that this IS God's will. Everything good and everything bad is all in God's plan for us. Expect the unexpected is also something that I've learned to live by this past week. And, miracles CAN happen; and I've witnessed a mircale happening in one of the most amazing boys I've ever met in my life.
I now believe more than I ever have that God is all we need. He is our Salvation. He is Healer, He is stronger, He is greater, He is awesome in power, He is higher than any other.. HE. IS. GOD. and HE. IS. GOOD!
Dear Lord Jesus,
I'm chasing after you, I want your heart
Thank you for your unconditional love
I praise you because you are not a God of coincidence
Everything happens for a reason and no matter what it looks like its always for my good!
Thank you for the times I felt like I was going to faint
Thank you for carrying me when I did
Thank you for Your correction that pulls me from destruction every time I lose my way
Thank you for being a faithful God who supplies needs, opens doors, answers prayers, and forgives before I can say Amen
Lord, please remove anyone/thing that competes with my relationship with You
Forgive me for foolishly seeking fulfillment outside of you
Thank you for showing me how frail I am, while assuring me of how strong I can be, if I stay faithful to my covenant relationship with You
You know I desire to walk in total obedience to Your will
Please guide me, and hold my hand, as I enter into a new life
Thank you Jesus, I can finally see the sun and feel its warmth on my skin
In the precious name of Jesus I pray, Amen.
Jesus Spam.
I'm not so into Jesus spam. I'm not sure Jesus would be. There is a difference between "unashamed" and obnoxious. I am not totally sure all the time where those lines are, but I don't want anywhere near them. I am pretty sure that anyone who knows me (christ-followers and not) would tell you that my faith is very real and important to me, but I am just not into using my fb - or my life for that matter - as a platform to "preach". I don't like shoving my faith in people's faces. I don't think Jesus did that - shove himself on people. He just had real relationships with people, and those people were deeply and irrevocably altered by him. That's my experience with Jesus.
Jesus paid it all. All to Him I owe. Sin had left a crimson stain. He washed it white as snow.
Jesus paid it all. All to Him I owe. Sin had left a crimson stain. He washed it white as snow.
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