Just add water.
I'm finally coming to the end of myself...It all started when I was admiring walking art.
Walking art is a person whose personal expression of self is bold and direct to who they are on the inside. It's all there, presented beautifully and unashamed. I love it because it's unapologetic. For the past almost 6 months, I've spent a lot of time apologizing or desperately trying to explain my character. I realized that if I presented my true self instead of hiding it, I probably wouldn't have to be so defensive...lesson learned.
Then Peter and the apostles replied, We must obey God rather than men.
HELLO MY NAME IS (insert your name here) AND I'M A (insert whatever your friends want you to be here) aka... HELLO MY NAME IS KAELEN AND I'M BITCHY, A FRIEND, A GIRL FRIEND, A BEST FRIEND, A LOVER, A DRINKER/SMOKER, A SOCCER PLAYER, A CRAZY KID.
My life is a series of walls. I've created a faux character that is acceptable, but at the same time it suppresses the real me...therefore, everything crafted for that faux character is killing me. In the past few weeks I've been dealing with a growing desire to shed this character to really embrace me. This idea is always combatted with, but what will they think? Then my true self replies, "Life is short, do you seriously want to suffocate another day?" Then the faux character says, " Well, what are you going to do?" With that question the dialogue ends with a collective, "I don't Know." All I know is that I'm tired of the iconform uniform, I just want to live.
I've decided to take steps towards happiness and freedom with each decision I make from here on out. Decisions will be based on what will make me happy and of course being lead by the Holy Spirit, so that I stay in the will of God. I just started and I'm already out of breath, it's hard. There is a storm going on in my life right now and I am so ready to run and jump ship. I keep praying, but what I hear from God is not what I want to hear. I want Him to say yes, you can jump and run. Instead, He talks about how He will protect me and He keeps reminding me that this is for my good...I also sought counsel on what I should do and both individuals said that we are to wear the full armor of God, remembering there is no protection for our backs, because God never intended for us to run. Furthermore, at this time in my life no one can help me. I hurt in places ONLY God can touch.
In the past two weeks I've also learned a few life lessons about dating. Ladies, if you meet someone and notice that time and time again that person shows himself to be inconsistent, don't expect that person to change. That person is showing you who they truly are and where you are in their list of priorities. If you continually hear the Holy Spirit telling you that this person is a liar and means no good for you BELIEVE IT. Never take the word of a fleshly being over the comforter,counselor, advocate and friend that we call the Holy Spirit. About three years ago, I met someone I normally wouldn't consider dating, but recently out of loneliness I settled and compromised. This gave room to the enemy in the area of my emotions. Of course, the relationship ended and I was left to bear and carry resentment, anger and loneliness. Did you notice that the initial area of weakness was still there? I realized the space in my heart that feels empty is meant to be filled by God not a man or material things. Also notice that I started with one weakness, opened myself to attack and was left with two infections. Be mindful of your weaknesses and don't think you can handle them on your own. Present them to God and seek healing...The other sad part about the situation is that no matter what I did, that person would have never appreciated me and he never intended to. How do I know? because, He never acknowledged my value or my worth in Christ. I say that, for those of you who think, that maybe if you dressed differently or weren't so proper or didn't talk so much etc, etc..
Well I am here to tell you, that you are a woman of virtue and you're perfect the way God made you. When we need improvement, God tears us down to build us back up. The enemy tears down to keep down and ultimately destroy.
God is made strong in your weakness. The enemy depends/pursues your weakness and wants you to stay that way.
The joy of the Lord is your strength. The enemy wants to steal your joy..get it?
There is so much going on, but the Lord is aware of it all. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding. He promised us abundant (blessed, happy, favored, to be envied) life. Let's live it! Let's go through the tests and trials expecting Victory. Joyce Meyer said, we're fighting from Victory, not in pursuit of it, because God has already given it to us.
Is your life like mine, flavorful, but still dry? Just add water.
Counsel in the heart of man is like water in a deep well, but a man of understanding draws it out. Proverbs 20:5 (AMP)
Behold, God, my salvation! I will trust and not be afraid, for the Lord God is my strength and song; yes, He has become my salvation.Therefore with joy will you draw water from the wells of salvation. And in that day you will say, Give thanks to the Lord, call upon His name and by means of His name [in solemn entreaty]; declare and make known His deeds among the peoples of the earth, proclaim that His name is exalted! Isaiah 12:2-4 (AMP)
God Says: You Shall Live and Not Die
Walking art is a person whose personal expression of self is bold and direct to who they are on the inside. It's all there, presented beautifully and unashamed. I love it because it's unapologetic. For the past almost 6 months, I've spent a lot of time apologizing or desperately trying to explain my character. I realized that if I presented my true self instead of hiding it, I probably wouldn't have to be so defensive...lesson learned.
Then Peter and the apostles replied, We must obey God rather than men.
HELLO MY NAME IS (insert your name here) AND I'M A (insert whatever your friends want you to be here) aka... HELLO MY NAME IS KAELEN AND I'M BITCHY, A FRIEND, A GIRL FRIEND, A BEST FRIEND, A LOVER, A DRINKER/SMOKER, A SOCCER PLAYER, A CRAZY KID.
My life is a series of walls. I've created a faux character that is acceptable, but at the same time it suppresses the real me...therefore, everything crafted for that faux character is killing me. In the past few weeks I've been dealing with a growing desire to shed this character to really embrace me. This idea is always combatted with, but what will they think? Then my true self replies, "Life is short, do you seriously want to suffocate another day?" Then the faux character says, " Well, what are you going to do?" With that question the dialogue ends with a collective, "I don't Know." All I know is that I'm tired of the iconform uniform, I just want to live.
I've decided to take steps towards happiness and freedom with each decision I make from here on out. Decisions will be based on what will make me happy and of course being lead by the Holy Spirit, so that I stay in the will of God. I just started and I'm already out of breath, it's hard. There is a storm going on in my life right now and I am so ready to run and jump ship. I keep praying, but what I hear from God is not what I want to hear. I want Him to say yes, you can jump and run. Instead, He talks about how He will protect me and He keeps reminding me that this is for my good...I also sought counsel on what I should do and both individuals said that we are to wear the full armor of God, remembering there is no protection for our backs, because God never intended for us to run. Furthermore, at this time in my life no one can help me. I hurt in places ONLY God can touch.
In the past two weeks I've also learned a few life lessons about dating. Ladies, if you meet someone and notice that time and time again that person shows himself to be inconsistent, don't expect that person to change. That person is showing you who they truly are and where you are in their list of priorities. If you continually hear the Holy Spirit telling you that this person is a liar and means no good for you BELIEVE IT. Never take the word of a fleshly being over the comforter,counselor, advocate and friend that we call the Holy Spirit. About three years ago, I met someone I normally wouldn't consider dating, but recently out of loneliness I settled and compromised. This gave room to the enemy in the area of my emotions. Of course, the relationship ended and I was left to bear and carry resentment, anger and loneliness. Did you notice that the initial area of weakness was still there? I realized the space in my heart that feels empty is meant to be filled by God not a man or material things. Also notice that I started with one weakness, opened myself to attack and was left with two infections. Be mindful of your weaknesses and don't think you can handle them on your own. Present them to God and seek healing...The other sad part about the situation is that no matter what I did, that person would have never appreciated me and he never intended to. How do I know? because, He never acknowledged my value or my worth in Christ. I say that, for those of you who think, that maybe if you dressed differently or weren't so proper or didn't talk so much etc, etc..
Well I am here to tell you, that you are a woman of virtue and you're perfect the way God made you. When we need improvement, God tears us down to build us back up. The enemy tears down to keep down and ultimately destroy.
God is made strong in your weakness. The enemy depends/pursues your weakness and wants you to stay that way.
The joy of the Lord is your strength. The enemy wants to steal your joy..get it?
There is so much going on, but the Lord is aware of it all. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding. He promised us abundant (blessed, happy, favored, to be envied) life. Let's live it! Let's go through the tests and trials expecting Victory. Joyce Meyer said, we're fighting from Victory, not in pursuit of it, because God has already given it to us.
Is your life like mine, flavorful, but still dry? Just add water.
Counsel in the heart of man is like water in a deep well, but a man of understanding draws it out. Proverbs 20:5 (AMP)
Behold, God, my salvation! I will trust and not be afraid, for the Lord God is my strength and song; yes, He has become my salvation.Therefore with joy will you draw water from the wells of salvation. And in that day you will say, Give thanks to the Lord, call upon His name and by means of His name [in solemn entreaty]; declare and make known His deeds among the peoples of the earth, proclaim that His name is exalted! Isaiah 12:2-4 (AMP)
God Says: You Shall Live and Not Die
Quiet.
For the first time in my life I woke up this morning and just didn't want to talk.. Everyone knows that I love talking..it's my favorite thing to do. But this morning, I sat up in my bed and thought to myself.. "I wonder what it would be like to not talk much all day and just listen to what other people had to say.." So, that's what I did. Throughout the day I heard other people's opinions on things that I wouldn't usually care about/listen to. I heard what other people's lives were like, I eaves dropped a bit.. And then when I was asked questions I'd go for the one to five word answers.
I get to church and there was an awkward silence. As I sat in a room with 4 people I didn't know well, I attempted to start a conversation..that didn't go too well. One person ended up almost in tears and the other 3 just sat there awkwardly.. so we started the video and began working on our skit, forgetting the topic was ever brought up.
My question was "if you had to choose one thing that was the hardest to go through this past school year, what would it be?" After asking that, I began thinking about it myself.. And the only thing that I could think about was the fire. So at the end of the evening when the question was thrown back in my face, I didn't say anything. Then I realized how selfish I have been.. I ask others the tough stuff and then when it gets thrown back at me I avoid it at all costs. That's what you would call a "wall." That invisible thing that covers up all your deepest emotions and thoughts so you can just keep 'em all to yourself..
And here we are.. The only thing on my mind is the fire.. and the song "Everything" by lifehouse. Two things that hurt my heart when they're put together.
The wall is slowly comin' down.
I get to church and there was an awkward silence. As I sat in a room with 4 people I didn't know well, I attempted to start a conversation..that didn't go too well. One person ended up almost in tears and the other 3 just sat there awkwardly.. so we started the video and began working on our skit, forgetting the topic was ever brought up.
My question was "if you had to choose one thing that was the hardest to go through this past school year, what would it be?" After asking that, I began thinking about it myself.. And the only thing that I could think about was the fire. So at the end of the evening when the question was thrown back in my face, I didn't say anything. Then I realized how selfish I have been.. I ask others the tough stuff and then when it gets thrown back at me I avoid it at all costs. That's what you would call a "wall." That invisible thing that covers up all your deepest emotions and thoughts so you can just keep 'em all to yourself..
And here we are.. The only thing on my mind is the fire.. and the song "Everything" by lifehouse. Two things that hurt my heart when they're put together.
The wall is slowly comin' down.
If heaven wasn't so far away..
I'd tell my Nanny how much I loved her, because I don't feel like I did that enough when she was here. I'd let Nick know what an impact he made on my life. I'd make one more crazy memory with Savannah, Vivian, Nick, Tim, and Calvin. I'd be sure to let Alexis know how much she meant to me. I'd kick Hunter as hard as I could, and then I'd get one last "big-bug hug" from him. I'd tell Dereck (D-wreck) how good I've been doing lately, so I could hear him tell me he's proud of me one last time. Then, I'd ask God why he took all these people away from within a two year run.. It almost seemed as though I never got a break. And now that they're all gone, I will never get a "break" again, cause they are constantly on my mind and in my hurt. It's always going to hurt. People always tell me that time heals everything, but in my experience..time has only brought more pain. I just wanna know when/if the hurt will ever go away. Does it?
Out of the "blur"..
Earlier this week I was reading Genesis 2 and 3. After Adam and Eve sinned they tried to hide themselves from an omnipresent God, that doesn't make any sense to me, but what really intrigued me was God's reaction in Genesis 3:9, God calls out to Adam and asks where are you? God calling out to Adam signifies that He was lost and no longer in right-standing with God. I loved that God's response to Adam and Eve's sin was love. Instead of raging with anger towards Adam and Eve, He first addressed Satan and declared His plan of redemption for His people in Genesis 3: 14-15.
In verse 17-19 He is speaking to Adam and assigns punishment for his disobedience that would also affect him and all of the generations that would follow. God is Just, look at the order He chose---> Satan, Eve, Adam.
Before the fall, Adam and Eve reigned the earth in full authority, their sin opened the earth to be overthrown by evil and disrupted with calamity, still God brought peace and acted in love.
When we sin, we disappoint God and there will be repercussions, but we must understand that we serve a God of love. No matter what you do, think, or say He still loves you because His love is perfect and everlasting.
Romans 8:38-39 "For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
We need to know that our purpose in God does not change because of our sin. He has already established a plan of reconciliation, it's called forgiveness. When we confess our sins, faults and shortcomings to God He is QUICK to forgive. He is not a friend that will condemn or continually bring your lowest moments back-up. The word says He throws them behind His back and never remembers them again. Once we've asked for forgiveness, then ask God to help us forgive ourselves. This is often the hardest part, because we replay the events over and over -- instead of accepting God's mercy we beat ourselves mentally and emotionally over something God has already forgotten. The word says, that the Lord disciplines those He loves...not to hurt us, but to restore us.
If we have fallen from the grace of God, don't try to hide (it's impossible) instead, run to Him and confess your wrongs so He can make you right. He is in love with you, it is foolish to seek comfort and restoration from anyone/where else. There are many great men and women in the Bible who were called by God to be great and to do great things, but somewhere along the way, they fell short. David was a man after God's own heart, but he still committed murder and adultery. Did David fall yes, but he was a man who knew how to repent and cry out to the Lord in times of strife and in times of joy. David was a worshipper, and so are we. We are all created to worship, that is our common bond. Follow David's example, run to God, confess and praise the Lord, sin does not devalue your worship. Please know that the Lord is looking for you and longing to hear from you, just like He did with Adam in the garden.
Always remember, you are not what you did, you are who God called you to be. The word of God never changes and His plan is fixed, set and established. His plan does not alter itself because we fall short, the goal is for us to alter ourselves through the leading of the Holy Spirit to fit and carry out God's custom plan for our lives. It's ok. You fell. Get back up and continue forward. God still wants to give us His best and He still wants to see us blessed.
God says: You Are Forgiven.
In verse 17-19 He is speaking to Adam and assigns punishment for his disobedience that would also affect him and all of the generations that would follow. God is Just, look at the order He chose---> Satan, Eve, Adam.
Before the fall, Adam and Eve reigned the earth in full authority, their sin opened the earth to be overthrown by evil and disrupted with calamity, still God brought peace and acted in love.
When we sin, we disappoint God and there will be repercussions, but we must understand that we serve a God of love. No matter what you do, think, or say He still loves you because His love is perfect and everlasting.
Romans 8:38-39 "For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
We need to know that our purpose in God does not change because of our sin. He has already established a plan of reconciliation, it's called forgiveness. When we confess our sins, faults and shortcomings to God He is QUICK to forgive. He is not a friend that will condemn or continually bring your lowest moments back-up. The word says He throws them behind His back and never remembers them again. Once we've asked for forgiveness, then ask God to help us forgive ourselves. This is often the hardest part, because we replay the events over and over -- instead of accepting God's mercy we beat ourselves mentally and emotionally over something God has already forgotten. The word says, that the Lord disciplines those He loves...not to hurt us, but to restore us.
If we have fallen from the grace of God, don't try to hide (it's impossible) instead, run to Him and confess your wrongs so He can make you right. He is in love with you, it is foolish to seek comfort and restoration from anyone/where else. There are many great men and women in the Bible who were called by God to be great and to do great things, but somewhere along the way, they fell short. David was a man after God's own heart, but he still committed murder and adultery. Did David fall yes, but he was a man who knew how to repent and cry out to the Lord in times of strife and in times of joy. David was a worshipper, and so are we. We are all created to worship, that is our common bond. Follow David's example, run to God, confess and praise the Lord, sin does not devalue your worship. Please know that the Lord is looking for you and longing to hear from you, just like He did with Adam in the garden.
Always remember, you are not what you did, you are who God called you to be. The word of God never changes and His plan is fixed, set and established. His plan does not alter itself because we fall short, the goal is for us to alter ourselves through the leading of the Holy Spirit to fit and carry out God's custom plan for our lives. It's ok. You fell. Get back up and continue forward. God still wants to give us His best and He still wants to see us blessed.
God says: You Are Forgiven.
When you're asked the tough questions..
It's tuesday, and my week already sucks.
Since Sunday I've been asked the tough questions. Mainly about two of my best friends being dead. Although one of the deaths happened over a year ago, it's even harder than dealing with the death that happened just a couple of months ago.
This week has been harder for others for some reason. I've been asked multiple times a day by random people if it's still hard to wake up in the morning knowing I won't see or talk to them.. And yes, it is still hard. Honestly, it gets harder every single day.. The hardest part is when I'm about to go to sleep, and thinking about how used to..when I was going to bed, Hunter would call and sing me goodnight, even though he couldn't sing at all.. And how Alexis would send me a text saying something stupid as hell, but at the end it would always say "Goodnight pretty nigga, love you <3" Every. Night.
And every morning, I'd have a new voicemail from Hunter.. He used to always wake himself up at 1:23 AM and call me just to tell me that it was infact 1:23 in the morning. I never would wake up for that call, but if I had my old phone..you'd get to listen to at least 34 voicemails from him. I'd always have a text or two from Alexis saying she was gonna show up at my house or that she was outside of my window..although that was never true, she thought it'd scare me if I actually woke up to it in the middle of the night.
And now, I don't get those 1:23 AM voicemails, or those goodnight texts.
It seems to get harder every day. Especially this week. Nothing was better than having them around, and now nothing is harder than having them gone-for good. Not too sure why this week is so hard, but it is.. and I'm gonna need every bit of strength to get through it without having another break down like last nights...
God, I just need strength.
Since Sunday I've been asked the tough questions. Mainly about two of my best friends being dead. Although one of the deaths happened over a year ago, it's even harder than dealing with the death that happened just a couple of months ago.
This week has been harder for others for some reason. I've been asked multiple times a day by random people if it's still hard to wake up in the morning knowing I won't see or talk to them.. And yes, it is still hard. Honestly, it gets harder every single day.. The hardest part is when I'm about to go to sleep, and thinking about how used to..when I was going to bed, Hunter would call and sing me goodnight, even though he couldn't sing at all.. And how Alexis would send me a text saying something stupid as hell, but at the end it would always say "Goodnight pretty nigga, love you <3" Every. Night.
And every morning, I'd have a new voicemail from Hunter.. He used to always wake himself up at 1:23 AM and call me just to tell me that it was infact 1:23 in the morning. I never would wake up for that call, but if I had my old phone..you'd get to listen to at least 34 voicemails from him. I'd always have a text or two from Alexis saying she was gonna show up at my house or that she was outside of my window..although that was never true, she thought it'd scare me if I actually woke up to it in the middle of the night.
And now, I don't get those 1:23 AM voicemails, or those goodnight texts.
It seems to get harder every day. Especially this week. Nothing was better than having them around, and now nothing is harder than having them gone-for good. Not too sure why this week is so hard, but it is.. and I'm gonna need every bit of strength to get through it without having another break down like last nights...
God, I just need strength.
jakdfjasndfsj
God is good, I truly mean that. I know it's a common saying, but for me it's become more than a saying. Over the past two months it's become a confession. I really appreciate the fact that He is always honest with me and He corrects me when I'm wrong. I also love the fact that when I'm right He tells me, not to fear, not to let my heart be troubled and He reminds me that He has already given me peace. How awesome to stand before an army empty-handed and still win. That's just how good God is when you are in right-standing with Him.
I'm still in the "wilderness", but I'm not afraid. It's just a place of passing and no matter how hard it gets,I'm encouraged to know that it will not deter or destroy God's plan for my life. Each day He gives me is an opportunity to believe and agree with what He has already spoken over me. Do you know that when you are in the wilderness but in right-standing with God, you become the most dangerous/powerful being in the wilderness? Why? Because if God be for you, who can be against you?
My prayer is is that I can develop an insatiable hunger for the word of God. This is the time to truly embrace God not for what I want, but for who He is. It seems like I have been dealing with circumstances that seem too hard to bear, I'm praying that I continue to cast my cares upon Him because I know He cares for me. I have to remind myself to just declare Him as Lord, and remember that Lord means owner. When I do that, every situation becomes His responsibility. I'll try not to procrastinate or try to fix it on my own, but give it to Jesus.
I'm still in the "wilderness", but I'm not afraid. It's just a place of passing and no matter how hard it gets,I'm encouraged to know that it will not deter or destroy God's plan for my life. Each day He gives me is an opportunity to believe and agree with what He has already spoken over me. Do you know that when you are in the wilderness but in right-standing with God, you become the most dangerous/powerful being in the wilderness? Why? Because if God be for you, who can be against you?
My prayer is is that I can develop an insatiable hunger for the word of God. This is the time to truly embrace God not for what I want, but for who He is. It seems like I have been dealing with circumstances that seem too hard to bear, I'm praying that I continue to cast my cares upon Him because I know He cares for me. I have to remind myself to just declare Him as Lord, and remember that Lord means owner. When I do that, every situation becomes His responsibility. I'll try not to procrastinate or try to fix it on my own, but give it to Jesus.
"Do you even remember 9/11?"
"yeah! i was in class"
Keeping the answer short and simple, there was no need to go into detail at that moment. Remembering it perfectly her mind went somewhere else, it was like a flashback sort of thing. She remembered her best friend running and screaming down the hallways of the elementary school yelling about her father who was just killed in the twin towers incident. No one knew what she was talking about until you heard the roar of cell phone rings and the announcements come and tell everyone to head to the auditorium/gym where we would spend the rest of the day in silence.. Absences were excused and hearts were broken.
The screaming cries of her best friend come to her mind everytime 9/11 is mentioned. She hears her yelling about how the "bad guys killed her daddy" and she remembers all the times she spent with that family.. She remembers how her best friend's dad would leave for a long time on work, but when he came home he'd let her pretend to shoot his gun and walk around in his bullet proof vest..
So when the question is asked, "do you even remember 9/11?", she just says yes.. nothing more. She may have been young, but she remembers becuase that man was the first person she ever lost.
RIP all of the lives lost in 9/11. We got him.
Keeping the answer short and simple, there was no need to go into detail at that moment. Remembering it perfectly her mind went somewhere else, it was like a flashback sort of thing. She remembered her best friend running and screaming down the hallways of the elementary school yelling about her father who was just killed in the twin towers incident. No one knew what she was talking about until you heard the roar of cell phone rings and the announcements come and tell everyone to head to the auditorium/gym where we would spend the rest of the day in silence.. Absences were excused and hearts were broken.
The screaming cries of her best friend come to her mind everytime 9/11 is mentioned. She hears her yelling about how the "bad guys killed her daddy" and she remembers all the times she spent with that family.. She remembers how her best friend's dad would leave for a long time on work, but when he came home he'd let her pretend to shoot his gun and walk around in his bullet proof vest..
So when the question is asked, "do you even remember 9/11?", she just says yes.. nothing more. She may have been young, but she remembers becuase that man was the first person she ever lost.
RIP all of the lives lost in 9/11. We got him.
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