My initial reaction to certain questions/oppurtunities is a "YES", but when I think about it for a quick second that reaction turns into a "NO." Why don't I ALWAYS let myself think for that quick second before acting on my initial reaction??
Sometimes I think, if I didn't go on Winter Retreat in 2009, I could have found God somewhere else? Or... If I didn't go on Winter Retreat, I could still be using every single day. Or... If I didn't go on Winter Retreat, maybe I would have just gotten tired of always being in a different, sometimes scary, state of mind.. In that "messed up" state of mind, or "under the influence" is a better way to put it. Maybe I would have gotten tired of it and just quit?.. But, I know that it was for my best interest to go, because it was the best thing that has ever happened to me..
The bad thing is that sometimes I wish I wouldn't have gone. Sometimes I wish that I would have just stayed home and lived my life how I wanted to, and it makes me wonder how my life would be now. It would probably be somewhat like how today was...other than the (normal for me) guilt feeling that sinks in after a few hours. I think I would skip class and go smoke with a friend. I think that what happened today would be a daily routine, but I wouldn't have the strong feelings of guilt and regret.
I don't know how to deal with pain. That's the problem. I spend my whole morning crying (yes, in front of people..weird) because I'm so hurt and I just can't believe what some people say to tear other people down and what some people make up to try and make themselves feel better. And then an old friend says, "hey, you wanna leave for this period", I follow that initial reaction and don't think about it, I jump right on it, knowing exactly what is going to happen when we leave, I follow right along.. I try to cover up my pain/feelings/hurt by killing it off with what is only a temporary relief.
I don't know how I'm going to get through this next month, if I couldn't even make it through one day. I don't know where I am in my walk with God anymore. I don't know where my emotions are. I don't know how many more tears I can cry before I completely break. I don't know how many more people I can disappoint before they all just give up on me. I don't know what to do. I don't know who I am.
Suicide.
There are two ways to lose your mind.. The most familiar state of mind loss is the frightening separation from reality. Mind loss is usually caused by overwhelming circumstances, lack of faith and a loser mentality. It is best described as mind split.. A year ago, a friend of mine jumped out of a building as a suicide attempt, but he survived. His only injury was two broken legs. My friend said that he is now certain that God has a purpose for him and he would dedicate his life to finding and living it rather than trying to kill it off..
My friend then told me a story about a young man who wanted to be successful. He was told to meet a man at a lake, that man would be his mentor. The mentor sat on a boat in the water and told the young man to walk into the water, the young man not knowing how to swim did as he was told and found himself under the water. When he was pulled up, the mentor asked him what he wanted to do more than anything while he was under, the young man said, "I wanted to breathe"...then it hit me...
I was drowning in worry and more than anything I wanted comfort. I had to confess and repent to God, because worry means I wasn't totally trusting and depending on God. My spirit was saying, "All things are possible in Christ" while my flesh was saying, "Why?, How?, When?, Who?"
"Moreover let us exult and triumph in troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance. And endurance develops maturity of character And character produces joyful and confident hope of eternal salvation".
Honestly, learning how to rejoice in suffering is the last thing I want to do. But I know comfort is most present when we are in agreement with God's wisdom. Therefore, I'm called to stop questioning Him. I'm also called to release ownership of my situation.
The truth is, we don't deserve anything, we are not above adversity. our deeds don't give us merit, we are saved by grace. We are called to carry out the life of Christ within our bodies, we must follow Christ's example.
When we can swallow that pill, the infection of worry will heal. But, don't swallow the pill until after you lose your mind. I'm not talking about the loss that leads to suicide. I'm talking about the kind of mind loss found in God's word, it says to let the mind of Christ also be in us. This process represents a dissolution, where we submit our thoughts, hopes, and desires for His thoughts, hopes, and desires....I'm now called to lose my mind in exchange for His.
Jesus committed suicide, so we would never have to. He died for all of us..so we all should dedicate our lives to finding and living the purpose He ordained.
Hebrews 12: 2-3 "Looking away to Jesus, Who is the Leader and the Source of our faith and is also its Finisher. He, for the joy that was set before Him. endured the cross, despising and ignoring the shame, and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Just think of Him Who endured from sinners such grievous opposition and bitter hostility against Himself so that you may not grow weary or exhausted, losing heart and relaxing and fainting in your MINDS."
My friend then told me a story about a young man who wanted to be successful. He was told to meet a man at a lake, that man would be his mentor. The mentor sat on a boat in the water and told the young man to walk into the water, the young man not knowing how to swim did as he was told and found himself under the water. When he was pulled up, the mentor asked him what he wanted to do more than anything while he was under, the young man said, "I wanted to breathe"...then it hit me...
I was drowning in worry and more than anything I wanted comfort. I had to confess and repent to God, because worry means I wasn't totally trusting and depending on God. My spirit was saying, "All things are possible in Christ" while my flesh was saying, "Why?, How?, When?, Who?"
"Moreover let us exult and triumph in troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance. And endurance develops maturity of character And character produces joyful and confident hope of eternal salvation".
Honestly, learning how to rejoice in suffering is the last thing I want to do. But I know comfort is most present when we are in agreement with God's wisdom. Therefore, I'm called to stop questioning Him. I'm also called to release ownership of my situation.
The truth is, we don't deserve anything, we are not above adversity. our deeds don't give us merit, we are saved by grace. We are called to carry out the life of Christ within our bodies, we must follow Christ's example.
When we can swallow that pill, the infection of worry will heal. But, don't swallow the pill until after you lose your mind. I'm not talking about the loss that leads to suicide. I'm talking about the kind of mind loss found in God's word, it says to let the mind of Christ also be in us. This process represents a dissolution, where we submit our thoughts, hopes, and desires for His thoughts, hopes, and desires....I'm now called to lose my mind in exchange for His.
Jesus committed suicide, so we would never have to. He died for all of us..so we all should dedicate our lives to finding and living the purpose He ordained.
Hebrews 12: 2-3 "Looking away to Jesus, Who is the Leader and the Source of our faith and is also its Finisher. He, for the joy that was set before Him. endured the cross, despising and ignoring the shame, and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Just think of Him Who endured from sinners such grievous opposition and bitter hostility against Himself so that you may not grow weary or exhausted, losing heart and relaxing and fainting in your MINDS."
Doubt.
The LORD reigns forever; he has established his throne for judgment.
He will judge the world in righteousness; he will govern the peoples with justice.
The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.
Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you. Psalms 9:7-10
How much do you trust God? Before answering, consider this.. Do you really trust the Lord when everything seems out of control and He appears absent? What about when He's called you to move in a certain direction that seems risky? And when painful circumstances continue, making you wonder if the Lord really cares?
We all have times of doubt when our expectations of God are dashed by the reality of our situation. Many of us want to trust Him but aren't sure how to do so. "Distance in our relationship with Him results in a lack of faith, but those who are intimately acquainted with Christ find it easier to Him wholeheartedly."
These are my thoughts when tempted to doubt..
1.) He is completely sovereign- God has everything in His control even when we can't perceive it.
2.) He is infinitely wise- The Lord knows every side of the situation inside and out and every event (past, present and future)
3.) He loves perfectly- Without exception, He always chooses what is best for us, even if it's not easy.
We grow in faith, not by trying harder to believe but, rather by pursuing the Lord. Then our trust in Him will grow as we learn that He never forsakes those who seek Him.
He will judge the world in righteousness; he will govern the peoples with justice.
The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.
Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you. Psalms 9:7-10
How much do you trust God? Before answering, consider this.. Do you really trust the Lord when everything seems out of control and He appears absent? What about when He's called you to move in a certain direction that seems risky? And when painful circumstances continue, making you wonder if the Lord really cares?
We all have times of doubt when our expectations of God are dashed by the reality of our situation. Many of us want to trust Him but aren't sure how to do so. "Distance in our relationship with Him results in a lack of faith, but those who are intimately acquainted with Christ find it easier to Him wholeheartedly."
These are my thoughts when tempted to doubt..
1.) He is completely sovereign- God has everything in His control even when we can't perceive it.
2.) He is infinitely wise- The Lord knows every side of the situation inside and out and every event (past, present and future)
3.) He loves perfectly- Without exception, He always chooses what is best for us, even if it's not easy.
We grow in faith, not by trying harder to believe but, rather by pursuing the Lord. Then our trust in Him will grow as we learn that He never forsakes those who seek Him.
Captured.
Job 33:28 (NIV)
He redeemed my soul from going down to the pit, and I will live to enjoy the light
Dear Lord,
Thank you
You saved me
You never disappoint me
You always have time for me
You only desire the best for me
and I'm always on Your mind
There is no greater love than this
Your everything to me
I need You at All times
Help me to hear You when life gets too loud
Help me to see You when the path gets dark
Help me to feel Your presence when I'm all alone
and Lord please help me to remember that You are More than enough
and all that You say about me is true and will manifest
Lord give me the wisdom to avoid the tricks and traps of the enemy
You said, You would pull me from the pit and set my feet upon a rock
to then establish me..I believe it.
My eyes are on you...I'm waiting.
For you, from me.
In your precious name I pray, Amen.
Psalm 40:2 (NIV)
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He redeemed my soul from going down to the pit, and I will live to enjoy the light
Dear Lord,
Thank you
You saved me
You never disappoint me
You always have time for me
You only desire the best for me
and I'm always on Your mind
There is no greater love than this
Your everything to me
I need You at All times
Help me to hear You when life gets too loud
Help me to see You when the path gets dark
Help me to feel Your presence when I'm all alone
and Lord please help me to remember that You are More than enough
and all that You say about me is true and will manifest
Lord give me the wisdom to avoid the tricks and traps of the enemy
You said, You would pull me from the pit and set my feet upon a rock
to then establish me..I believe it.
My eyes are on you...I'm waiting.
For you, from me.
In your precious name I pray, Amen.
Psalm 40:2 (NIV)
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
"Perfection?"
There was a great conflict going on inside of me:
I was trying too hard. Trying so hard to be "perfect" for everyone else, and for Him. Therefore my existence was empty and mechanical. How did this happen? I was doing the "right" things on the outside, but I was screaming on the inside. I lived in a little "perfect" box where there was hardly enough room to turn around. I alienated people. I set myself apart from others, even the closest people. Instead of spending time with them, I would spend the time alone trying to make sure that I was doing what was "right" in the eyes of others and trying to perfect everything I did so that I wouldn't disappoint anyone. My life lacked balance. It was be perfect, don't say that, don't do this, watch your step, don't wear that, don't listen to that all the time. All of this was a culmination of teachings I picked up throughout my childhood, watching as my mom would try to be "perfect" for my dad, and how my peepaw would try to make my mimi look "perfect" when she was a drunken alcoholic before AA. In my attempt to be like everyone wanted me to be, I actually got further from them and my relationship with Him was quickly fading. Jesus was always available to the people, they could always touch Him and in Hebrews 4:15-16 it says He is not so far off that He cannot feel our pain. So what was I thinking? I remember telling the Lord that living to please Him and others was too hard. He kindly told me, that I made it that way and He was right, it was my fault.
Then the light came on.
In Matthew 11:28-30 Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
I realized I don't have to do anything but love God and live, He will take care of the rest. My relationship with Him is designed to be custom for who I am and where I am, not who other people want me to be and where others want me to be; meaning He loves me and will always meet me where I am. This means I don't have to try, I only have to "BE". He will perfect me, and since He is at work in me there can be peace where conflict used to be.
I don't have to be so hard on myself and I'm so glad that God is merciful and quick to forgive.
If I stumble, I can confess, repent and keep going. I think this is the greatest lesson I have ever learned. Now that the burden of a boxed life has been lifted, I can fly
I was trying too hard. Trying so hard to be "perfect" for everyone else, and for Him. Therefore my existence was empty and mechanical. How did this happen? I was doing the "right" things on the outside, but I was screaming on the inside. I lived in a little "perfect" box where there was hardly enough room to turn around. I alienated people. I set myself apart from others, even the closest people. Instead of spending time with them, I would spend the time alone trying to make sure that I was doing what was "right" in the eyes of others and trying to perfect everything I did so that I wouldn't disappoint anyone. My life lacked balance. It was be perfect, don't say that, don't do this, watch your step, don't wear that, don't listen to that all the time. All of this was a culmination of teachings I picked up throughout my childhood, watching as my mom would try to be "perfect" for my dad, and how my peepaw would try to make my mimi look "perfect" when she was a drunken alcoholic before AA. In my attempt to be like everyone wanted me to be, I actually got further from them and my relationship with Him was quickly fading. Jesus was always available to the people, they could always touch Him and in Hebrews 4:15-16 it says He is not so far off that He cannot feel our pain. So what was I thinking? I remember telling the Lord that living to please Him and others was too hard. He kindly told me, that I made it that way and He was right, it was my fault.
Then the light came on.
In Matthew 11:28-30 Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
I realized I don't have to do anything but love God and live, He will take care of the rest. My relationship with Him is designed to be custom for who I am and where I am, not who other people want me to be and where others want me to be; meaning He loves me and will always meet me where I am. This means I don't have to try, I only have to "BE". He will perfect me, and since He is at work in me there can be peace where conflict used to be.
I don't have to be so hard on myself and I'm so glad that God is merciful and quick to forgive.
If I stumble, I can confess, repent and keep going. I think this is the greatest lesson I have ever learned. Now that the burden of a boxed life has been lifted, I can fly
Behind the music?
You know how you can hear a song 30 times, but notice something different the 31st time? Well that happened to me today. The part of the song that really clanged in my ears was "BUT IF", this BUT IF acknowledges that God is able to pull us through any trial, however, it also acknowledges His sovereign authority to allow the storm to rage.
Then I felt like the Lord's question to me was, "Are you willing to trust Me, EVEN when it feels and looks like you're drowning?"
I had to pause right there. My first thought was.....How could I not feel betrayed if you allowed me to drown? I don't have an answer, but I'm working on it..
Have you ever heard from God, set off to do the very thing He asked, but along the way you were met with obstacles and hardships from every direction? If you've been there, you know it's an extremely lonely and frustrating time. But, I'm going to tell you, what I tell myself (in the midst of my tears) "God is not surprised by the opposition, He's prepared for a time such as this, and the only reason why your faith, tears, worship, prayers, and sowing seems to be in vain, is because the enemy knows God is about to bless you with your destiny and he can't stand it. A child of God in right standing with the Father is a threat to the enemy. For that very reason the enemy is trying to take you out of your God given race. The enemy will attack you: mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Therefore, let your mind be renewed, guard your heart, and read the word of God for ammunition".
The only thing that qualifies me to speak about the Lord is the fact that I'm saved, filled with the Holy Spirit and maintain a personal relationship with Him.
I'm a sinner saved by grace and growing in the Lord.
Though the storms keep on raging in my life
And sometimes it's hard to tell the night from day
Still that hope that lies within is reassured as I keep my eyes upon the distant shore
I know He'll lead me safely to that blessed place He has prepared
But if the storm don't cease and if the winds keep on blowing in my life
My soul has been anchored in the Lord.
I realize that sometimes, in this life, we're gonna be tossed be the waves and the currents that seem so fierce
But in the Word of God I've got an anchor, oh yes I have, and keeps me steadfast, unmoveable, despite the tide
But if the storm don't cease and if the winds keep on blowing in my life
My soul has been anchored in the Lord
Then I felt like the Lord's question to me was, "Are you willing to trust Me, EVEN when it feels and looks like you're drowning?"
I had to pause right there. My first thought was.....How could I not feel betrayed if you allowed me to drown? I don't have an answer, but I'm working on it..
Have you ever heard from God, set off to do the very thing He asked, but along the way you were met with obstacles and hardships from every direction? If you've been there, you know it's an extremely lonely and frustrating time. But, I'm going to tell you, what I tell myself (in the midst of my tears) "God is not surprised by the opposition, He's prepared for a time such as this, and the only reason why your faith, tears, worship, prayers, and sowing seems to be in vain, is because the enemy knows God is about to bless you with your destiny and he can't stand it. A child of God in right standing with the Father is a threat to the enemy. For that very reason the enemy is trying to take you out of your God given race. The enemy will attack you: mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Therefore, let your mind be renewed, guard your heart, and read the word of God for ammunition".
The only thing that qualifies me to speak about the Lord is the fact that I'm saved, filled with the Holy Spirit and maintain a personal relationship with Him.
I'm a sinner saved by grace and growing in the Lord.
Though the storms keep on raging in my life
And sometimes it's hard to tell the night from day
Still that hope that lies within is reassured as I keep my eyes upon the distant shore
I know He'll lead me safely to that blessed place He has prepared
But if the storm don't cease and if the winds keep on blowing in my life
My soul has been anchored in the Lord.
I realize that sometimes, in this life, we're gonna be tossed be the waves and the currents that seem so fierce
But in the Word of God I've got an anchor, oh yes I have, and keeps me steadfast, unmoveable, despite the tide
But if the storm don't cease and if the winds keep on blowing in my life
My soul has been anchored in the Lord
Tears.
Too many goodbyes for me within the past month. Hatin' it a lot. But I know God has a plan for everyone who has gone, and He took the one's who have left for good for a reason. Right? I'm really bad at this whole goodbye thing.. but someone told me today "You know this isn't goodbye.." and that surprisingly made me feel a lot worse.. ha. It's scary, cause that was the last thing my nanny said to me before she died. I know that he's not dying, I'm just scared that we'll drift apart more than we already have, idk..just scares me. He literally knows EVERYTHING about my life, everything.. I hate goodbyes..
Ever wondered what your last words would be?
Something cliche or a simple "I love you."
Hunter- "it's a long story. I love you though"
Nanny- "I love you. I'll be seeing you."
Derek- "I want help like you got help kae. I love you."
Shelbie- "you hate me but I love you"
Katy- "have a good life kae."
Alex- "I miss you sissy!"
There's a pattern of "love" in these last words. I could go on with a few more people but they all end with "can I buy some from you?" or "what the hell is happening? I can't see straight" ha.
Weird seeing how different it all is with different people (not).
Hunter- "it's a long story. I love you though"
Nanny- "I love you. I'll be seeing you."
Derek- "I want help like you got help kae. I love you."
Shelbie- "you hate me but I love you"
Katy- "have a good life kae."
Alex- "I miss you sissy!"
There's a pattern of "love" in these last words. I could go on with a few more people but they all end with "can I buy some from you?" or "what the hell is happening? I can't see straight" ha.
Weird seeing how different it all is with different people (not).
It's funny..
Seeing how things change so fast. And how ok I am with it all.
How I can grow apart from the people I'm closest with, and then grow closer to others that I've never even thought about being close with.
It's funny how ok I am with this change in my life. I love it. I love my life just how it is. Even if I've grown apart from some people, I'm happy with that because obviously that's what God wants for my life right now.
I have an amazing best friend, an amazing guy, and an amazing family around me. I have a growing relationship with Him. What more could I need? My life is finally just the way i want it to be :)
How I can grow apart from the people I'm closest with, and then grow closer to others that I've never even thought about being close with.
It's funny how ok I am with this change in my life. I love it. I love my life just how it is. Even if I've grown apart from some people, I'm happy with that because obviously that's what God wants for my life right now.
I have an amazing best friend, an amazing guy, and an amazing family around me. I have a growing relationship with Him. What more could I need? My life is finally just the way i want it to be :)
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