February 2011 documented some highs and some very lows.
Successes and failures
Hello's and goodbyes
Times of utter despair and sleepless nights
I fell apart, got mended again
I fell down, got back up again
Cried to the point of emptiness
Was courageous and a coward
I learned there are ugly places deep inside of me
I learned that my faith needs more "Vitamin C"
I learned that prideful believer's are full of unbelief
I learned that I rebel when I don't get my way
I learned the creature that disobeys its creator is insane
Minor cancerous condition quickly escalated to Code Blue
I'm a sinner, saved by grace, going in circles... without any excuses
So I'm running, If I can't walk then I'll crawl and I'll get up if I fall, gotta get to where you are.
"So I'm running, If I can't walk then I'll crawl and I'll get up if I fall, gotta get to where you are. So I'm running and I won't stop for nothing, it's hard , but its worth it, when its you Lord that I want".
Some of us are fighting with God and my advice is to give in, because you will NOT win. (I should probably start taking my own advice)...
Sometimes, God has to strip us of our "life-lines", so he can take us to another level..
Recently, I have been down on every side, I haven't been able catch a break anywhere and it feels like God has forgotten about me!
I was crying, complaining, looking at what everybody else had that I felt I was entitled to, and on top of that, I was a hater. Yes, I can admit that. I was not in a place where I could be happy for anybody, because nothing positive was happening for me. I wanted to tap-out of my life like I was in a wrestling match. Exhausted, I stopped fighting God realizing my misery was justified and the reason for my suffering was me.
While I was mad at God, refusing to talk to Him, He was right there with his arms wide open. But me being delirious with anger was too busy yelling where are you? to notice.
Now, I'm beginning to put myself in a place where I can celebrate the successes of other people and sincerely thank God for that dry place.
He wants us to have the best out of the life He has given, but we have to surrender and let Him have full control by realizing that your life is not about you, its about Him working in you.
God created us for a purpose, but we will never discover it, until we learn to let go. In trying to do this, we often get hung up on our own strengths and what we have overcome in the past. It is time to admit, that you don't have any strength and everything you got through in the past was by the grace of God, not you.
1 Peter 5:10 "After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all Grace who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you"
Some of us are fighting with God and my advice is to give in, because you will NOT win. (I should probably start taking my own advice)...
Sometimes, God has to strip us of our "life-lines", so he can take us to another level..
Recently, I have been down on every side, I haven't been able catch a break anywhere and it feels like God has forgotten about me!
I was crying, complaining, looking at what everybody else had that I felt I was entitled to, and on top of that, I was a hater. Yes, I can admit that. I was not in a place where I could be happy for anybody, because nothing positive was happening for me. I wanted to tap-out of my life like I was in a wrestling match. Exhausted, I stopped fighting God realizing my misery was justified and the reason for my suffering was me.
While I was mad at God, refusing to talk to Him, He was right there with his arms wide open. But me being delirious with anger was too busy yelling where are you? to notice.
Now, I'm beginning to put myself in a place where I can celebrate the successes of other people and sincerely thank God for that dry place.
He wants us to have the best out of the life He has given, but we have to surrender and let Him have full control by realizing that your life is not about you, its about Him working in you.
God created us for a purpose, but we will never discover it, until we learn to let go. In trying to do this, we often get hung up on our own strengths and what we have overcome in the past. It is time to admit, that you don't have any strength and everything you got through in the past was by the grace of God, not you.
1 Peter 5:10 "After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all Grace who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you"
Look up..
I messed up.
I hurt my best friend and now our friendship may never recover...I was distraught, until I took the spotlight off of myself and realized my friend was hurting the most. My thoughts were all over the place, and of course the enemy was saying, "Look what you did!,You're a terrible person and I was listening. Until, I remembered that there is no condemnation to those who are in Christ. I also showed mercy to myself being mindful of the fact that I'm a human being who made an irrational decision in an unbalanced emotional state. I believed a lie and responded to it.
I was so ashamed of myself and even though it felt like my lowest point and lowest deed He was right there with me, longing to hold me, if I would let Him.
And I let Him.
Since this incident a lot has changed, not only in that one particular friendship; but in most of my others. I'm no longer afraid to state my opinions, but I know when to hold them back. God has put a lock on my mouth (most of the time).. I've been able to keep my opinions to myself when I needed to most, and also express my opinions when He thought it was right for me to step up and say something. But before I say anything, I keep telling myself to "Look UP!".. He will lead me to where I need to go, He will push me into saying anything that He wants to come out of my mouth, He will guide me down the right path if I choose to walk with Him, He will be the light in my darkness, He is my strength when I'm weak, and He is everything.
I've been learning a lot from Him recently.. and what He's been teaching me is good, but it's hard to go through everything He has been putting me through. I know He's there to hug and hold me, and I know He's going to light up my darkness; but I just want to know what He is trying to teach me while He's putting me through all of this.. It hurts like hell, but I just have to "look UP" and know He is here through it all.. even when it hurts.
I hurt my best friend and now our friendship may never recover...I was distraught, until I took the spotlight off of myself and realized my friend was hurting the most. My thoughts were all over the place, and of course the enemy was saying, "Look what you did!,You're a terrible person and I was listening. Until, I remembered that there is no condemnation to those who are in Christ. I also showed mercy to myself being mindful of the fact that I'm a human being who made an irrational decision in an unbalanced emotional state. I believed a lie and responded to it.
I was so ashamed of myself and even though it felt like my lowest point and lowest deed He was right there with me, longing to hold me, if I would let Him.
And I let Him.
Since this incident a lot has changed, not only in that one particular friendship; but in most of my others. I'm no longer afraid to state my opinions, but I know when to hold them back. God has put a lock on my mouth (most of the time).. I've been able to keep my opinions to myself when I needed to most, and also express my opinions when He thought it was right for me to step up and say something. But before I say anything, I keep telling myself to "Look UP!".. He will lead me to where I need to go, He will push me into saying anything that He wants to come out of my mouth, He will guide me down the right path if I choose to walk with Him, He will be the light in my darkness, He is my strength when I'm weak, and He is everything.
I've been learning a lot from Him recently.. and what He's been teaching me is good, but it's hard to go through everything He has been putting me through. I know He's there to hug and hold me, and I know He's going to light up my darkness; but I just want to know what He is trying to teach me while He's putting me through all of this.. It hurts like hell, but I just have to "look UP" and know He is here through it all.. even when it hurts.
Rough.
I was woken up this morning by a text from my soccer coach, telling me that we would not be playing in the game that we've all been wanting to play for the past two weeks. Moments later, as I was falling back into a deep sleep, my phone rang again. This time it was a parent, a woman who I've looked up to for years, a woman who is stronger than almost any other person that I know; she was in tears. She told me that she had been diagnosed with cancer, it wasn't severe and she said that they could take care of it easy because they found it so soon.. But all she wanted was her son. All she wanted was a hug from her son. All she wanted was to hear her son tell her that she would be ok, and then tell her a funny joke about a black man and an asian housewife.. All she wanted was her son..
It's funny, ya know... 15 months ago, she was sitting in a hospital with a straight face and not one tear rolled down her face.. She was strong. A few days later, she tried holding herself together, somehow she was still in better shape than I was at that funeral.. At his graduation I only stayed strong because I hate showing emotion, but that was one of the first times I saw(heard) her break. She was pissed, upset, infuriated, unhappy, disgusted, disappointed.. Every emotion a person could feel, she felt them all within an hour.. Once they passed where the "Moke" should have been with the seniors walking across the stage, she was done. It had all become real at that moment.. And now she's calling me, crying her eyes out, telling me how scared she is; how much she needs her son. And I can't do anything about. I can't tell her that it will be ok, because I don't know that. I cant' tell her that this will all be done with when treatment is over, because I don't know that. I can't give her the "Hunter hug" that she wants, because I'm not him. I don't know how to help her.
If you know me, helping people who are hurting is like a hobby. I try my hardest to stay strong for other people so that I can take care of the one's who are hurting. I try so hard to hide my feelings when others are hurting. I try to be "ok" so that others can come to me when they need something. In this situation, I'm scared to help her. I'm scared I'll say the wrong thing. I'm scared that my help won't be what she wants/needs, and I'll disappoint her in who she thinks I am.
God, I know you hear me. I know you have complete control of what's going on down here.. Please watch over her, somehow tell her that she will be ok. Give me guidance. Give me the confidence I need to help her like she needs me to. God, give her a sign that her son is watching over her and protecting her from everything just like he said he always would. I know he's with you, but I know he's still that mama's boy he's always been. God, help me out. Help her out. Help out that family, because this just seems unfair to them.. So unfair.
It's funny, ya know... 15 months ago, she was sitting in a hospital with a straight face and not one tear rolled down her face.. She was strong. A few days later, she tried holding herself together, somehow she was still in better shape than I was at that funeral.. At his graduation I only stayed strong because I hate showing emotion, but that was one of the first times I saw(heard) her break. She was pissed, upset, infuriated, unhappy, disgusted, disappointed.. Every emotion a person could feel, she felt them all within an hour.. Once they passed where the "Moke" should have been with the seniors walking across the stage, she was done. It had all become real at that moment.. And now she's calling me, crying her eyes out, telling me how scared she is; how much she needs her son. And I can't do anything about. I can't tell her that it will be ok, because I don't know that. I cant' tell her that this will all be done with when treatment is over, because I don't know that. I can't give her the "Hunter hug" that she wants, because I'm not him. I don't know how to help her.
If you know me, helping people who are hurting is like a hobby. I try my hardest to stay strong for other people so that I can take care of the one's who are hurting. I try so hard to hide my feelings when others are hurting. I try to be "ok" so that others can come to me when they need something. In this situation, I'm scared to help her. I'm scared I'll say the wrong thing. I'm scared that my help won't be what she wants/needs, and I'll disappoint her in who she thinks I am.
God, I know you hear me. I know you have complete control of what's going on down here.. Please watch over her, somehow tell her that she will be ok. Give me guidance. Give me the confidence I need to help her like she needs me to. God, give her a sign that her son is watching over her and protecting her from everything just like he said he always would. I know he's with you, but I know he's still that mama's boy he's always been. God, help me out. Help her out. Help out that family, because this just seems unfair to them.. So unfair.
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