Not ok.
We'll leave it at that.
"'cause you're still not over him... "
I was trying to be strong, trying to make it seem like I could get over the fire, trying to make myself seem ok.. The comment was made that I wasn't over this death, which was over a year ago.. It really hit me.. You're gone and I can't change that. I can't snap my fingers and have you back here.
I never expected it to hit now.. I was thinkin' it'd happen in a few months. When things calmed down. But like they say.. When it rains, it pours.
I feel like it was just yesterday when you'd take me out muddin' and fishing and when we'd get back to your house we'd get yelled at for tracking in the mud and the smell of the lake.. haha. All those nights you'd take me out on the four wheeler and we'd watch for shooting stars, and the one night we saw one you crashed the four wheeler and we had to walk 4 miles back home because both of our phones broke.. Or when you'd make me pretend to be your girlfriend so that random girls wouldn't hit on you..
You are really gone. It finally hit, and I don't know what to do.....
Confession
I've been playing musical chairs with my emotions, nothing fits.
I'm somewhere between lost and found.
I roamed...I gotta get back to my source...I can't hear Him, there's too much static within me..."Lord, Can you hear me now?"
Please help me.
I Confess: I Can't Do This Without You
I Confess: It's not about me, it's about you...my job is to fit into your plan, not my own.
You, your will and your way are perfect. Teach me how to please you.
It's Simple: I need you.
Galatians 5: 24-26
And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and appetites and desires. If we live by the Holy Spirit let us also walk by the Spirit If by the Holy Spirit we have our life in God, let us go forward walking in line, our conduct controlled by the Spirit. Let us not become vainglorious and self-conceited, competitive and challenging and provoking and irritating to one another, envying and being jealous of one another.
I'm somewhere between lost and found.
I roamed...I gotta get back to my source...I can't hear Him, there's too much static within me..."Lord, Can you hear me now?"
Please help me.
I Confess: I Can't Do This Without You
I Confess: It's not about me, it's about you...my job is to fit into your plan, not my own.
You, your will and your way are perfect. Teach me how to please you.
It's Simple: I need you.
Galatians 5: 24-26
And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and appetites and desires. If we live by the Holy Spirit let us also walk by the Spirit If by the Holy Spirit we have our life in God, let us go forward walking in line, our conduct controlled by the Spirit. Let us not become vainglorious and self-conceited, competitive and challenging and provoking and irritating to one another, envying and being jealous of one another.
Under construction.
The Holy Spirit said, "The confirmation you just received was supposed to be your revelation"
I've been trying to resist a calloused heart. But, of course the last thing I wanted to hear, was what I had to do...I was like, "God, why is it that, every time we talk, there's always something I've gotta do?" When I'm stable I can understand his correction to be love, for my good and a chance to be who He promised I was. When I'm unstable (overwhelmed, bombarded by life and all of it's circumstances) I receive His correction as scolding and I feel beaten.
I can admit, that I don't know who I am and I don't know what I'm doing. The reality is that I've adopted a myriad of personalities while trying to discover who I truly am. I'm a young woman and a little girl in many ways. Sometimes, I feel so small and unimportant. Sometimes, I just stare at people wondering if they really see me...
There's a war going on inside me.
So, I confessed, "I thought I knew how to be in relationship with You, but I don't...show me how."
I keep thinking about this statement:
Your relationships with people are a representation of your relationship with God.
It's true. I do not honor people the way I'm supposed to. It all depends on my mood, sometimes I feel outgoing, other times I don't. When I don't feel outgoing, I can speak to someone without remembering their face or name and honestly, not caring because I'm so lost in my own thoughts... I realized I treat the Holy Spirit the same way... He's always speaking to me, but because I don't always feel outgoing or open, I respond with a shallow, "Ok". Without truly taking the time to appreciate Him for choosing me for that word at that moment.
Which brings me back to my original point of concern: "The confirmation you just received, was supposed to be your revelation". Meaning the confirmation was meant to be an outflow and not an inflow. He tried to send it to me, but it bounced back. SO he had to send it through another vessel-an open one. I'm disappointed, because I keep missing God. If I don't get it right, His plans for me will be null and void and He will be forced to choose someone else to carry out His plan. I want to shed where I am and who I know myself to be for where I'm going and who God created me to be..
My request: Have mercy on me and please be patient with me. I'm changing. I know you can't see it, neither can I, but something is going on, on the inside. HE is at work in me.
I'm Under Construction=Under His Will
He Shall Perfect Me and since He has begun the work, He is faithful to complete it
I've been trying to resist a calloused heart. But, of course the last thing I wanted to hear, was what I had to do...I was like, "God, why is it that, every time we talk, there's always something I've gotta do?" When I'm stable I can understand his correction to be love, for my good and a chance to be who He promised I was. When I'm unstable (overwhelmed, bombarded by life and all of it's circumstances) I receive His correction as scolding and I feel beaten.
I can admit, that I don't know who I am and I don't know what I'm doing. The reality is that I've adopted a myriad of personalities while trying to discover who I truly am. I'm a young woman and a little girl in many ways. Sometimes, I feel so small and unimportant. Sometimes, I just stare at people wondering if they really see me...
There's a war going on inside me.
So, I confessed, "I thought I knew how to be in relationship with You, but I don't...show me how."
I keep thinking about this statement:
Your relationships with people are a representation of your relationship with God.
It's true. I do not honor people the way I'm supposed to. It all depends on my mood, sometimes I feel outgoing, other times I don't. When I don't feel outgoing, I can speak to someone without remembering their face or name and honestly, not caring because I'm so lost in my own thoughts... I realized I treat the Holy Spirit the same way... He's always speaking to me, but because I don't always feel outgoing or open, I respond with a shallow, "Ok". Without truly taking the time to appreciate Him for choosing me for that word at that moment.
Which brings me back to my original point of concern: "The confirmation you just received, was supposed to be your revelation". Meaning the confirmation was meant to be an outflow and not an inflow. He tried to send it to me, but it bounced back. SO he had to send it through another vessel-an open one. I'm disappointed, because I keep missing God. If I don't get it right, His plans for me will be null and void and He will be forced to choose someone else to carry out His plan. I want to shed where I am and who I know myself to be for where I'm going and who God created me to be..
My request: Have mercy on me and please be patient with me. I'm changing. I know you can't see it, neither can I, but something is going on, on the inside. HE is at work in me.
I'm Under Construction=Under His Will
He Shall Perfect Me and since He has begun the work, He is faithful to complete it
Lost
Neglected. Hurt. Mad. Tears.
When the one person you want to talk to doesn't answer your calls or texts, mad.
When the one person you want to come and catch your tears while you're loud crying is too busy to come to your rescue, neglected.
When the one person you always run to isn't there, hurt.
When every emotion you've been holding in hits you like a big bus, you get tears.
When the one person you want to talk to doesn't answer your calls or texts, mad.
When the one person you want to come and catch your tears while you're loud crying is too busy to come to your rescue, neglected.
When the one person you always run to isn't there, hurt.
When every emotion you've been holding in hits you like a big bus, you get tears.
emotions
Disaster, hurt, sad, angry, crushed, frustrated, irritated, confused, helpless, wreck, tears, broken.
I broke.
I don't know what to do with the 232345 pieces of my heart I'm holding here in my hands. I don't know what to do when the one person I need to talk to most asks me to "hold on" and I'm left in the silence just catching my own tears in my hands, waiting for a phone call or text message. I don't know how to handle the loss of six good friends at once. I don't know how to even comprehend the magnitude of the pain me and my dearest friends are having to go through. I don't know what to do when everything falls apart and I'm left here, alone.
All I can do now is pray and hope that tomorrow is a better day.
I broke.
I don't know what to do with the 232345 pieces of my heart I'm holding here in my hands. I don't know what to do when the one person I need to talk to most asks me to "hold on" and I'm left in the silence just catching my own tears in my hands, waiting for a phone call or text message. I don't know how to handle the loss of six good friends at once. I don't know how to even comprehend the magnitude of the pain me and my dearest friends are having to go through. I don't know what to do when everything falls apart and I'm left here, alone.
All I can do now is pray and hope that tomorrow is a better day.
The sharp knife of a short life..
This week has been one word: hell. Every morning that I wake up I think it's all a dream, I turn my TV on and I see it on the news. Or I have a text/wall post telling me that everyone is here for me and praying for me. But I never wake up to a text from them, not a text saying it's all some cruel joke.. or that I've finally been waken up from this nightmare.. Usually when you lose one person in your life it's really hard, but when you lost 6 people all at once.. it doesn't hit as hard until a few days later. When you get calls/texts/messages/wall posts to you from people you haven't talked to since middle school telling you that they're here for you forever and they remember how me and one of the girls who is now dead were best friends... It just hurts so much more when there are six people you love are gone, especially when one of them has been your best friend for 4+ years..
Calvin Reineck- you were my best friend/partner in crime/ride or die.. we grew apart over the years, but you always knew just how to put a smile on my face. I was your first kiss, and you told me you'd love me forever for teaching you how to "love someone the right way".. RIP
Nick Evans- you were absolutely crazy, and that's why we got along. You could say one word in an australian accent and it sounded legit, you always called me when you wanted to go get a snow cone or when you wanted a slushy, you always texted me and told me how I was your girly best friend.. RIP
TIMMY- you told me every time I wrote your name down it had to be in all caps, so there it is. I only met you 5-8 times, but every time I was around you, you'd go out of your way to let me know I was beautiful.. I never got to thank you for that.. RIP
Vivian Rodriguez- you girl, you were crazy.. people judged you for liking who you liked, and you stuck your middle finger up and did whatever you wanted. I loved that about you. You'd call me when you needed someone to cry to when you and Celeste were having problems, and then you'd hang up on me when she called you back ;) we always talked about getting matching tattoos of kittens and whatnot, but i'll never forget our last conversation about you wanting to start coming to church with me.. I wish you could have stayed around so that could have happened. RIP baby girl.
Savannah Lynn Morrero- now we're getting to the hard ones.. You were my little. In middle school I remember how you begged and begged to come to my birthday party and I said no every time until the day of, and then you couldn't even come haha. You always called me to make sure I was in school back when I used to skip, you texted me on weekends and told me to be safe. In middle school when you weren't following me and meg around, you would tell me how much you looked up to us. You will ALWAYS be my little. RIP
Alexis Jade Schooley- you have been my best friend for years.. I remember when we got in that fight in middle school and people were surrounding us, yelling out the colors of our purses. All because I didn't want you at my birthday party and I pushed Kayla into you.. Oh, and right after we were done fighting I complimented your shoes and you tried to get out of getting suspended by sayin my birthday party was that friday and I would get in trouble. I remember when we walked to Leonard allll the way from my house in chapel creek. When we found some kid's backpack and thought we had just solved a crime, and we made Todd call the cops everything. I remember when we would be running the mile in PE and we'd run off course to get snow cones. I remember when we would always go to Mansfield with Kayla and walk around that town like we owned it. I remember all those times when we would go up to Leonard and climb on the football posts.. I remember the night of the haunted house, right before we went in you smacked my butt and said "i love you boo boo"... I remember all those times when we would walk to Kaltrina's house and bug the hell out of her mom to make us their albanian food. I honestly don't have a clue what I'm going to do without you here. We texted everyday, almost all day long. You have been one of the biggest parts of my life for years now, and I could never imagine my life without you here with me. You ARE my best friend, and I love you so much, forever. RIP, best friend <3
Friends Mourn Party Trailer Fire Victims: MyFoxDFW.com
Calvin Reineck- you were my best friend/partner in crime/ride or die.. we grew apart over the years, but you always knew just how to put a smile on my face. I was your first kiss, and you told me you'd love me forever for teaching you how to "love someone the right way".. RIP
Nick Evans- you were absolutely crazy, and that's why we got along. You could say one word in an australian accent and it sounded legit, you always called me when you wanted to go get a snow cone or when you wanted a slushy, you always texted me and told me how I was your girly best friend.. RIP
TIMMY- you told me every time I wrote your name down it had to be in all caps, so there it is. I only met you 5-8 times, but every time I was around you, you'd go out of your way to let me know I was beautiful.. I never got to thank you for that.. RIP
Vivian Rodriguez- you girl, you were crazy.. people judged you for liking who you liked, and you stuck your middle finger up and did whatever you wanted. I loved that about you. You'd call me when you needed someone to cry to when you and Celeste were having problems, and then you'd hang up on me when she called you back ;) we always talked about getting matching tattoos of kittens and whatnot, but i'll never forget our last conversation about you wanting to start coming to church with me.. I wish you could have stayed around so that could have happened. RIP baby girl.
Savannah Lynn Morrero- now we're getting to the hard ones.. You were my little. In middle school I remember how you begged and begged to come to my birthday party and I said no every time until the day of, and then you couldn't even come haha. You always called me to make sure I was in school back when I used to skip, you texted me on weekends and told me to be safe. In middle school when you weren't following me and meg around, you would tell me how much you looked up to us. You will ALWAYS be my little. RIP
Alexis Jade Schooley- you have been my best friend for years.. I remember when we got in that fight in middle school and people were surrounding us, yelling out the colors of our purses. All because I didn't want you at my birthday party and I pushed Kayla into you.. Oh, and right after we were done fighting I complimented your shoes and you tried to get out of getting suspended by sayin my birthday party was that friday and I would get in trouble. I remember when we walked to Leonard allll the way from my house in chapel creek. When we found some kid's backpack and thought we had just solved a crime, and we made Todd call the cops everything. I remember when we would be running the mile in PE and we'd run off course to get snow cones. I remember when we would always go to Mansfield with Kayla and walk around that town like we owned it. I remember all those times when we would go up to Leonard and climb on the football posts.. I remember the night of the haunted house, right before we went in you smacked my butt and said "i love you boo boo"... I remember all those times when we would walk to Kaltrina's house and bug the hell out of her mom to make us their albanian food. I honestly don't have a clue what I'm going to do without you here. We texted everyday, almost all day long. You have been one of the biggest parts of my life for years now, and I could never imagine my life without you here with me. You ARE my best friend, and I love you so much, forever. RIP, best friend <3
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