I've voiced my thoughts and concerns. I've prayed and cried.
Now it's time to listen for the voice of God....
I bow my head, submit my plans and hush my soul to hear from YOU...Lord Jesus Speak, I'm listening..
Stupid Satan..
I used to say that I could never catch a break.. and when it seemed like everything was going back to "normal", something else would end up happening. Or bad things would happen back-to-back-to-back.. And then I hear other people's stories, and I realize how thankful I should be for what God has given me.
I never really looked at death from someone else's point of view. I always look at it as "MY friend died", or "MY great grandma died".. but today, I looked at it differently. I started seeing things on twitter and facebook about my friends Kevin and Vinny.. A few minutes later Kevin's mom texted me, telling me that he and Vinny were killed in a drunk driving accident.. I couldn't believe it. I texted people asking for prayers, I cried like a small child, I laid in my bed not wanting to move, and then I thought... Kevin had a mom, a dad, a fiance, three brothers, and two sisters.. and at that moment, I stopped thinking about me and thought about them. Kevin may have been MY friend, but he was soo much more to them.. He was a son, a lover, a brother, a best friend; he was their life.. and he was taken away from them in an instant..
I know how it feels to have someone taken away from you without any sign of it coming. My best friend of 5 years killed himself without telling anyone, a good friend from church got in an accident and within 2 hours there were 20-30 students gathered at a home crying over the loss, a fire killed 6 of my friends in an instant without anyone thinking that birthday party would go so wrong..
Life throws you curve balls.. But you gotta catch 'em and give 'em to Him..
I never really looked at death from someone else's point of view. I always look at it as "MY friend died", or "MY great grandma died".. but today, I looked at it differently. I started seeing things on twitter and facebook about my friends Kevin and Vinny.. A few minutes later Kevin's mom texted me, telling me that he and Vinny were killed in a drunk driving accident.. I couldn't believe it. I texted people asking for prayers, I cried like a small child, I laid in my bed not wanting to move, and then I thought... Kevin had a mom, a dad, a fiance, three brothers, and two sisters.. and at that moment, I stopped thinking about me and thought about them. Kevin may have been MY friend, but he was soo much more to them.. He was a son, a lover, a brother, a best friend; he was their life.. and he was taken away from them in an instant..
I know how it feels to have someone taken away from you without any sign of it coming. My best friend of 5 years killed himself without telling anyone, a good friend from church got in an accident and within 2 hours there were 20-30 students gathered at a home crying over the loss, a fire killed 6 of my friends in an instant without anyone thinking that birthday party would go so wrong..
Life throws you curve balls.. But you gotta catch 'em and give 'em to Him..
...but, I've learned things within just the past two days...
I look at my face and at the faces of those I love and wonder how did we get here?
I've asked countless times to be transformed and brought forth new... but I didn't know it would cost so much. It's cost me everything, no help in sight. It's just me and God who should be enough...but forgive me, I'm still growing. I'm still guilty of trying to put things/people where only God should be...I'm still guilty of taking matters into my own hands, because sometimes it feels like God is taking His sweet, sweet time...especially when decisions have to be made...
2011 has been a nightmare, for months it's been disaster after disaster and yes, I accept responsibility for causing some of my pain...but I'm not the only one to blame...and for the first time in the span of my years, every one of my friends is going through a war, there's carnage everywhere: separation, rebellion, heartache, rejection, adultery, revenge, anger, death, bitterness, unforgiveness, fornication, strife, homosexuality, poverty, debt...Chaos. I've literally felt my thoughts capsize in a sea of emotion...Lord, I confess I don't know what to do...I'm not ashamed to say, I still don't fully understand who I am, my value, my gifts, my purpose...What am I supposed to do for You?...like a fish out of water, I flop back and forth, gasping and waiting for You to show mercy or end my suffering.
Dear God,
We need you now. We are under attack and it looks like the enemy has the upper hand. Please open our eyes to see the millions of warrior angels surrounding us. Lift up our confidence, set fire to our faith so that the aroma overtakes heaven. We need you, heavenly Father we confess every sin and we ask right now that you would forgive and restore. We thank you right now God, because we know it's not over, we know Lord that the fight is fixed, Jesus give us your strength, control and obedience. Please Lord, don't let us die here, not like this...I'm still growing, but I know this carnage is NOT the work of your hands, you're a loving God, you give life, not death, prosperity instead of lack...Thank you, for allowing me time to roam seemingly alone, just to find my way back to you. I'm grateful for this experience, because I've learned that if no one preaches a word to me, I can preach one to myself. I also learned that you are my preference and my obsession.
What I feel for you is real, You live in the wells of me, I flow for you, naturally. You overtake me, I'm yours no matter where I've been or what I've done, because of your sacrifice on calvary I don't have to beg...so, I've come before you with the needs of many resting on my heart and I don't want to be selfish, so if it's your will to help me last, then so be it. Just as long as you come, you are welcome here and in every situation laid at your feet. I believe that you are able, so with expectation in my heart I will watch and wait for you. Thank you Jesus! You promised to take us from glory to glory, Lord I thank you, because I know there is more glory on the other side of this. Thank you God for restoring my confidence.
In the mighty and matchless name of Jesus I pray and ask all of these things, Amen.
I've asked countless times to be transformed and brought forth new... but I didn't know it would cost so much. It's cost me everything, no help in sight. It's just me and God who should be enough...but forgive me, I'm still growing. I'm still guilty of trying to put things/people where only God should be...I'm still guilty of taking matters into my own hands, because sometimes it feels like God is taking His sweet, sweet time...especially when decisions have to be made...
2011 has been a nightmare, for months it's been disaster after disaster and yes, I accept responsibility for causing some of my pain...but I'm not the only one to blame...and for the first time in the span of my years, every one of my friends is going through a war, there's carnage everywhere: separation, rebellion, heartache, rejection, adultery, revenge, anger, death, bitterness, unforgiveness, fornication, strife, homosexuality, poverty, debt...Chaos. I've literally felt my thoughts capsize in a sea of emotion...Lord, I confess I don't know what to do...I'm not ashamed to say, I still don't fully understand who I am, my value, my gifts, my purpose...What am I supposed to do for You?...like a fish out of water, I flop back and forth, gasping and waiting for You to show mercy or end my suffering.
Dear God,
We need you now. We are under attack and it looks like the enemy has the upper hand. Please open our eyes to see the millions of warrior angels surrounding us. Lift up our confidence, set fire to our faith so that the aroma overtakes heaven. We need you, heavenly Father we confess every sin and we ask right now that you would forgive and restore. We thank you right now God, because we know it's not over, we know Lord that the fight is fixed, Jesus give us your strength, control and obedience. Please Lord, don't let us die here, not like this...I'm still growing, but I know this carnage is NOT the work of your hands, you're a loving God, you give life, not death, prosperity instead of lack...Thank you, for allowing me time to roam seemingly alone, just to find my way back to you. I'm grateful for this experience, because I've learned that if no one preaches a word to me, I can preach one to myself. I also learned that you are my preference and my obsession.
What I feel for you is real, You live in the wells of me, I flow for you, naturally. You overtake me, I'm yours no matter where I've been or what I've done, because of your sacrifice on calvary I don't have to beg...so, I've come before you with the needs of many resting on my heart and I don't want to be selfish, so if it's your will to help me last, then so be it. Just as long as you come, you are welcome here and in every situation laid at your feet. I believe that you are able, so with expectation in my heart I will watch and wait for you. Thank you Jesus! You promised to take us from glory to glory, Lord I thank you, because I know there is more glory on the other side of this. Thank you God for restoring my confidence.
In the mighty and matchless name of Jesus I pray and ask all of these things, Amen.
10 days..
I have a bad bad bad feeling that these 10 days are gonna go by ridiculously slow... and I have an even worse feeling that I'm not gonna go one day without crying. I spent all of day 1 in tears.. I've always had bad attachment issues with people when they leave, but never like this. Saying bye was one of the hardest things I've had to do in a long time. It's not because I'm a baby, it's because I've had a bad feeling about this trip the whole time. I've had the same re-occurring dream that I'm gonna get a phone call that the one person I can go to with absolutely everything, is dead. That she won't be coming back from Thailand, that these 10 days have turned into a life time, that everything is gonna fall apart in an instant.
I'm praying for them while they're gone, and I hope I can get plenty of prayers as well. Because it's only day two, and I'm already sending texts to someone who won't be receiving them for 9 more days.. Oh, life...
I'm praying for them while they're gone, and I hope I can get plenty of prayers as well. Because it's only day two, and I'm already sending texts to someone who won't be receiving them for 9 more days.. Oh, life...
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