As I entered the home that seemed all too familiar, I instantly had flashbacks of all the good times I had in it. Whether it was mattress surfing down the stairs, painting the walls, breaking dishes after they were permanently stained, running into the walls on a unicycle, helping hang up picture frames, scaring the pizza guy, prank calling the neighbors, opening and closing the garage door on armadillos, shooting birds with potato guns, dying armpit hairs bright orange, waxing leg hairs on the couch, getting yelled at for being out too late, getting yelled at for being home too early, and so many more memories... I couldn't help but cry. I looked at the stairs in front of me and saw photos leading up the hall.. Most were of family, and then one frame caught my eye.. A picture of me. My fifth grade school picture..it was still there. Originally it was placed there so hunter could make fun of me for looking like a "fagoid".. But it was still there. I remembered the house perfectly. I knew whos room was where and what I could find in cabinets. The first room on the right still had my name spray painted on it, with a little heart at the top (I remember getting yelled at for hours about it).. And before I even opened it, I thought "maybe I shouldn't go in here. What if they cleaned it all out" but I went in. And it was exactly how he left it... The bed wasn't made, there were clothes on the floor- along with a blood stain from he shot himself, there were pictures on the walls- along with holes and dents from where we had tested out the potato guns..and bb guns, his book was still open to the page where he left off, and everything still smelt like him... The room was still his. As I walked around it, looking at photos of me and him and reading stuff that was laying around..tears filled my eyes. Everything was dusty and old, including the mcdonalds in the corner by the bean bag which was mine from two days before he died. As I started to sit on the bed his brother came in and said "they haven't moved anything in here... They wont even cover up that damn stain" then he began to cry. I got up to hug him and he said "fix the blanket. You moved it a little to the right"... He said he sleeps on the floor in there hoping maybe Hunter would come into his dreams that night. We continued talking about old times when I heard my name being called.

Two rooms to the left and across the hall, the woman who would "nurse me back to health" when I needed it most was sitting up in her bed. Going there I was expecting the worst, but as soon as I walked in she said "I'm gonna beat this. Cancer is my bitch".. Everything after that was just us reminiscing on old times and talking about the future.


Leaving, all I could think about was "what would hunter say if he was here" and then I looked under his bed for my jacket I had left there a few days before he died.. And in that jacket I found what everyone had been looking for this whole time. It was a note...

"kaebug. I'm always with you. I love you."


RIP best friend. I love you and I miss you.

What's the point?

What's the point in life?
What's the point in trying?
What's the point in apologizing when your apology isn't accepted?
What's the point in caring about someone when they don't give a damm about you?
Whats the point in LIFE?

Why did God take 10 people away from me when I much rather would have been dead myself. Not many would care if it was me, I'd rather be dead than be hurting like this. my life has become pointless in every way possible now. I have no one to hold me accountable, no one to hold me when I cry, pray for me when I need it, encourage me when I'm knocked down.. I have no one to call "mom 2". I don't see the point in life anymore. My faith was so strong and now it has taken a turn for the absolute worse. I guess you could come to the conclusion that i have officially hit rock bottom. I can't do it on my own now. I'm turning to God but it feels like he isn't there, it feels like NO ONE is here.... I'm alone.

So answer this for me... What's the point in living when you have nothing to live for?

No sweeter name..

This past week I've really got to take a look at how He's changing me. I got to sit back and watch how He changes others. I got to see the impact that I've made on others. And this makes me incredibally happy.

Never in my life have I heard so many people tell me they're proud of me. This week I've heard it from about 10 different people. I'm changing, but I'm not doing it on my own. HE is changing me. I didn't even realize it until I took a step back and looked at who I was the week school let out, and took a good look at who I am now/who I'm becoming.. and I couldn't be more impressed by the person I see ;) really though, I've never been able to say that I'm proud of myself- but right now, I am.

I stood in front of 400 middle schoolers with a sign in my hand that told my entire story in just 6 words. Last week I told a room full of freshman my testimony. I got out of my "comfort zone" to share the love of God to others.

I never thought I'd be able to say this about myself, but I'm happy with the person that I've become/am becoming.

Succulent.

So, this week was Project Freshman.. Depending on which day you talked to me, I was either really excited to go, or I was mad that I had agreed to give up my first week of summer for a church trip with a bunch of freshman.. But I couldn't be happier that I made the decision to give up my first week of summer, because it honestly changed me.

What did I learn? I learned how to be vulnerable without being scared of what people will think of me.
I learned that I can love God without being worried about people judging me.
I learned how to be myself around people without being afraid of how they would view me.

I gave my testimony about the deaths I've had in my life. Which was basically like me letting my guard down to everyone in the room (which was a lot of people) and really showing them the serious side of me. The side of me that hurts, that cries, that deals with things the wrong way, and the side of me that truly loves God with all my heart. And that's the side I want everyone to see from now on. I don't want people to think that at church I'm one person, and around everyone else I'm someone different. I want everyone to know who I really am. I don't want to live two lives anymore. I just want to live one life, the life that I choose to live is going to be a life revolving around God and His great love for me.

SUCCULENT

Turn around...

He's right where you left Him..


I was walking on water, so to speak, then I sunk...in my feelings, actions and thoughts... I've come to realize that I already had what I wanted.
I wanted: A real relationship, to really know God and to really know me.
I've learned that a relationship with God will reveal/satisfy all of these things. God is faithful and I want to learn how to be faithful too. It doesn't make sense to cheat on God---no one and nothing can compare to Him...everything falls and bows before Him, He has no competition. Jesus died and was resurrected for me, He wants to be close to me, He cares about my thoughts, feelings and dreams...He loves me. He already loved me, before I knew who He was...still I was drowning in my feelings and thoughts almost engulfed in a wave of idolatry, because God wasn't first. If you don't know it, anything in your life (heart) before God is an idol.

It all seems so silly now...this is why it is so important to stay committed to the one you're with...once I understood what was happening-everything I've learned in my own personal study came flooding back to me. In placing my affection in the idol I subconsciously built a dam to protect what I wanted even though it wasn't of God.
I would spend time with God-but still felt distant and I didn't understand why. Of course, He didn't move, I did...But He broke the dam and every levee today, because He loves me and I wanted Him back. I missed Him and I wasn't comfortable with a long distance relationship. Thank God, I was lost and He came looking for me. Now I'm on my way to everything I've always wanted, because I'm back with the God who created me, loves me, protects me and supplies all my needs. He loves me. I have to keep saying it, because I need to get it past my intellect into my spirit. Jesus loves me. The God who created heaven and earth is concerned about little ol' me. How cool is that?!
With that said, that means it's time to make some changes. First realizing I can't change/fix myself and mindful of the fact that sometimes change takes time. I also acknowledge that my understanding of what needs to change is laughable compared to what God has in mind, so I just want to do what I can to be in agreement with Him. Prayerfully, and if it's God will..I'm open to a total makeover. I know it won't always be easy, but I'm willing to go through it, believing that God always gives us double for our trouble and also believing that I was created for a purpose and I have to change in order to see and live in God's vision for my life.

I'm back in His arms, where I belong. Doing the best I can with where I am and what I have and now, I am absolutely on my way.


Thank you Jesus, because of you I can walk on water and endure till the end. I pray that you will mend every broken heart and that you will draw near to show us how sweet and loving you are. I rebuke the spirit of offense and unforgiveness and I pray that you will teach us how to walk in forgiveness. Help us to forgive like you. Help us to remember our own sin, before we judge or hold a grudge against another. Lord, I pray for all of the people who have been rejected, Lord I pray that they will come to know that you love them unconditionally and though sometimes they feel unwanted and alone, you love them and they're never alone. I pray that you will fill the hurt places with righteousness, love, favor and peace and Lord Jesus please help us to be bold for you. We always look to you expecting, but God what do you want us to do? What can we do that will put a smile on your face? Lord, please help us to be in a position to help somebody else and bless us with the discernment to know when and how. Lord, let it be done in a way that brings glory and honor to you. It' s not about us or being a hero, because you're the only hero. Help us to be humble in our thoughts and purify our hearts so that everything we do will be done with the right intentions and will ultimately bring glory to your name.