55.

Here goes nothin.


I graduated high school. Nearly lost a dear friend. Broke up with who I thought was the love of my life. Switched high schools....twice. Made new friends. Lost good ones. Got a tattoo. Got suspended. And then 3rd partied. Got another tattoo. Enrolled in three different schools. Withdrew from two. "Cyberbullied." Made my schedule for college. Met my new soccer coach. Ordered books and uniforms. Met my roommate. Started counting down to August 11th. Worked Stampede. Went to a concert. Pierced a friend's ear. Had a graduation party. Walked the stage. Decorated my cap. Said goodbye to a dear friend who moved to Maryland. Was the DD, more than once. Told my story to an 11 year old. Watched my little help a girl accept Christ. Hung out with a girl I once hated. Learned to love her, a lot. SURVIVED HIGH SCHOOL AND DEFEATED SENIORITIS.


Been awhile, huh? You've missed a lot. I guess that's my fault though, right? Where I left off was a bad point. November 16th is always a rough day for me, and after that I suffered from an intense case of writer's block. So excuse me if this is rather boring and bland. Warning: it will be.


I literally did everything in high school that you possibly could.. I did drugs. I drank alcohol. I had boyfriends. I almost had a girlfriend (gross ew no). I got saved. I got baptized. I got suspended. I got 3rd partied. I went to alternative school. I got in a fight. I got broken up with. I got cheated on. I made new friends. I lost best friends. People died. New people came in my life. I went to football games. I went to baseball games. I went to basketball games. I played sports. I said I hated more people than I actually did. I switched schools..twice...in the middle of my senior year. I called a girl a slut. I broke up with people. I was convinced that I had found the love of my life. I went on field trips. I went to a church that became my other home. I thought I was a badass. I thought I was popular. I was depressed. I was happy. I came down with a major case of senioritis. I got accepted to college. I made friends much older than me and thought I was cool because of it. I adopted younger kids as my "littles." I had many best friends. I failed. I went to summer school. I made scenes, plenty of them. I screamed. I yelled. I cried. I smiled. I laughed.


Though my senior year was the only one that I was completely off drugs for, you'd think by the sounds of it that I would have fallen right back to where I was freshman and sophomore year. Bare with me, this is not a pity party.. I started of the year without my best friend with a fresh broken heart. I reconnected with one of my best friends, he became my boyfriend. My best girl friend came back from rehab and we reconnected and continued being best friends. I went to every single football because my boyfriend was (kinda) on the team. Whether it was raining or it was way too hot, I was at every single one. As time went on, I celebrated my one year clean. I was baptized, and then I lost all of what I was enjoying the day we got back from Christmas break. Rumor had it that an underclassmen was trying to "get with" my boyfriend. If you know me, you know I am extremely protective of what is mine. So, I took charge. Cyberbullied her and it came back to bite me right in the butt. I was suspended for a week. The end of that week was approaching when I got a phone call telling me that I was being 3rd partied. The initial sentence was 30 days, got in bumped down to 15. Ended up only spending 9 days at Metro. I came back to Heights on my 18th birthday. I got a tattoo that night. A couple weeks later, I was going to be 3rd partied again because I looked at that same girl when she parked next to me. Ended up that she wasn't only a giant tattle tell, but that she was literally out to get me. I made the decision with my mother to switch me schools. I withdrew from heights that next day and enrolled at boswell the day after that. I rebelled during spring break because I was so hurt and ended up getting myself in more trouble. I went to heights and boswell prom. made my college schedule. Actually passed my senior year and graduated.


And now you're filled in. I was fighting a battle inside of me that only God could help me overcome. Though I turned away from him for awhile because I thought that HE was out to get me, He proved me wrong. As always.

730 days..

Within the past 730 days my entire life has been turned upside down, tossed back and forth, lofted from a building and then that process is repeated. I've beaten an addiction, gone back to it, lost my Nanny, been saved, lost Nick, shared my testimony multiple times, made new friends, got my heart broken, fallen in and out of "love", gotten in fights, cried, lost 6 friends at once in a fire, got on stage in front of 100s of middle schoolers and revealed my biggest struggle, encourage others, hurt myself, cried myself to sleep, etc.. But the significance of this day.. The significance of this day haunts me in everything I do. Exactly 730 days ago I lost my brother, my best friend, my stronghold, my rock, my everything.. 730 days ago I ran out of my chemistry class sobbing.. 730 days ago I never would have expected to be where I am.


If what happened 730 days ago never would have happened, I wouldn't be the same person that I am today. I wouldn't be as strong.. 730 days ago my best friend in the entire world killed himself and my entire life was shattered.

I miss you, Bug.


I wanna sing
While the ocean sleeps
I wanna feel
what its like to be free
I wanna to see
what you see in me
I wanna know how it feels to believe

I feel lost somehow im drifting away
Was almost gone, you brought me to life again

so let me be your lighthouse
and i'll help you find a way out
of here

I see the tide is comming
dont let it take you away from me
theres no way im jumping over
I know its your love that saved me

Cause I was lost
somehow im drifting away
was almost gone
you brought me to life again

So let me be your lighthouse
and I'll help you find a way out of here

I can see the light out
from a far away out
but its slowly drifting away from me



cause I was lost
somehow I *drifting away
was almost gone
you brought me to life again

so let me be your lighthouse
and I'll help you find a way out of here
let me be your lighthouse
and I'll help you find a way out of here